Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

[daffodillament]

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ?

Our DS is coming home for a week at the end of November for the Thanksgiving holiday. We're all looking forward to having him back and it's a lovely holiday.

I know exactly what you're feeling but please, please, don't set too much store by planned visits, trips home, holidays, etc. They need to lead their own lives and things will change and the phone calls will come, "I can't make it this weekend there's a band playing and a few of us are going", " know you were planning on coming up this weekend but I'm going somewhere with a couple of mates", "there's no room for you to stay next week as flatmate's parents are coming and they're flying from Korea so it's not like they can change their plans easily", etc., etc.
But this is how it should be, this is what we raise them for, to lead busy and interesting lives and be self sufficient. But it's hard, oh boy is it ever hard.

Concentrate on your DC still at home because the time is coming when they, too, will fly the nest. And start being just a little bit selfish. Find your own things to be passionate about in life, other than your children.

It’s also a kind of bereavement for our own ‘yourh’ - if your kids are all old enough to have left home we’re old!
Plus I’m not sure if having your kids later in life ( 35+ ) makes it worse?

You’ve lived your young life before settling down so your child becomes almost a companion in your old age.
Having a child at 22 - they leave home at 18 - you’re only 40 with so much life still ahead of you.
A child leaving when you’re pushing 60 must be so much harder?
I don’t know, just thinking out loud.

surferjet

I'm not sure about that- I had my kids later in life, my youngest has just gone to University.

I had lived a lot of adult life as a childless woman- and frankly had a ball- I had learned how to be self sufficient, to see that there was lots of pleasure to be had without the ties of kids around, to prioritise myself,- for me now it's a bit like going back to that state.

I already know how to live a fulfilling adult life with no kids around.

Perhaps some women who had their kids early have yet to learn that- they are starting from scratch on a child free adult life.

It feels to me like just picking up the reins again.

@surferjet I'm the mum who was 22 and now 40. I don't think it's been easier for me compared to parents who were older than me. I think we all find it hard but some may find strategies to help them deal with the change quicker than others.

I miss my Dd a lot but I am also aware that she needs to do this. She knows I'm always there. I just have to stop myself texting and snap chatting every hour!

Hi daffodillament

I had exactly the same (mother of 3 DS) - eldest is now 24 but I cried everytime I dropped him off at the station and am welling up thinking about it even now...it does get better - its just another (very large) part of being a mum and adjustment through all their life journeys...I too worried that the other two left at home would think I loved him more but my feelings when second one left for uni (2 years later) were different because he was a different sort of person and I had been able to anticipate this emotional roller coaster. Do not put a great deal of anticipation on his first visit back home - ours was disastrous - we were all looking forward to it and he just slept and ate and made fun of his siblings when they told him their news - it was a horrible weekend tbh - also they don't want you visiting them - there is pressure on them to show you how well they are coping and how many friends they have...when possibly that is not the case. Keep in touch with them yes - but also transfer your weight to the others - they have a greater share of you now and deserve a happy mum - seek out things that make you happy and if necessary make a list of all that you want to do now that 1/3 of your time is free!!! Inverse psychology works too - silly things like less potatoes to peel for Sunday roast, less washing, closing the door on of his filthy bedroom made me think that there were some positives!!! and do you know what - go cry on a long walk with sunglasses - crying is good for you and if the others see how lovely a mum you are for caring then that is no bad thing - just tell them that you will feel the same for them when the time comes...xx

DD and I spoke at length last night- she is doing well, but the biggest problem is boredom.

Her flat mates are nice enough, but she says they are now " down to small talk". She only attends University two days a week, and is spending a lot of her time in her room watching Netflix or going out with her best friend from school.

I agree about building up visits home. When ds returned for Christmas after his first term he was exhausted. He was so grumpy, and slept every day till lunchtime. Like ejm's ds, he also bickered with dh and dd and in fact was a right pain, which he hadn't been previously!

Actually I really miss ds today... time to launch a barrage of texts, methinks...

Poor thing I’m sure it does get better and it’s a natural course of events, leading to independence. But that doesn’t really help, does it? I think you have to be led by your offspring on this. Hopefully they’ll settle quickly, make friends and NOT want to come home every other weekend/have visits. I’d hang in to that, if I were you. And I’d probably treat myself to something (whatever your thing is).

I have a different heartache. My son has autism and is at college doing entry level subjects. His peers will be moving on to university this time next year. He will watch them go (so will I) and he won’t be going with them. At the moment this makes me sad. That they’re moving forward naturally, as they “should” and that for us, for him, this cannot happen. The savings account we opened for him at 6 weeks old as a Uni fund/gap year/travel fund/new car is being swallowed up by the government to pay for his care/assistance requirements.

OP, try to keep your chin up. It’s a very exciting/difficult time for all of you.

I give their rooms a thorough clean, turn the radiator down and close the bedroom door.

They keep going, and they keep coming back. Sometimes the coming back is not a good thing, but there is little you can do - they are finding their way and have to work it out.

Find something nice for yourself to do while they are away. You need looking after too, and it will be more interesting for them when they come back.

My DD (only child) went out and got herself a scholarship at a private school at 16. At the time I felt I'd been robbed by her leaving home two years earlier. Sounds silly, but I made myself do all those jobs I kept meaning to do, arranged to meet friends, even went into town and had lunch a couple of times.

We all cope with things in different ways, but fast forward a year it's almost easier not to have her at home. Although, we still love her and will support her, she's changed and DH and DD have had a few words. I guess she's got used to some more independence and is growing up into her own person but we still expect her to live by our home rules/expectations.

Try and hold on the fact your son has the opportunity to be out there living his life, which is exactly what deep down you want for him. I'm sure you're really proud of his achievements and he wouldn't have been able to do some things without you, so obviously done a great job bringing him up.

@speakout your daughter needs to get herself involved in some university societies/groups. She can choose a few she is interested in this first year and drop the ones where she doesn't like the people and doesn't make friends. Then next year and subsequent years choose a maximum of 2 to get more involved with and try to get an elected/appointed role. She should be looking for societies/groups that look good on her CV but she also is interested in e.g. sports, outdoor activities, volunteering, music, arts.

I spring cleaned DDs room the day after she left, shut the door, and hopefully she'll pop home to mess it all up again just before Xmas . Our home is now a bit too tidy and quiet but I am so pleased that my once shy little girl is blossoming, learning to live independently and have a ball with her great flatmates at Uni although she still texts us to ask how long she has to cook roast potatoes for, and what program she needs to use on the washing machine.
She's getting there...

BlueBug45

She needs to work really.

She has joined the dance society, two evenings a week, and she teaches dance on Saturday at her old dance school.

Trouble is she will be on placement 6 weeks on and 6 weeks off, so any activities and work may be hard during that time as it will involve shift work/ overnight and weekend working.

@BlueBug45
How old is she? What year is she in? What about volunteering for a while to allow her to gain experience? Does she have a CV or not?

I know it's cliche, but if you have a spare room now would you consider fostering OP?

Couldn’t let this go unanswered.

Fostering is more than providing a bedroom for a child. And it absolutely isn’t for filling a void left by a child going off to uni. What a ridiculous suggestion.

ive had the opposite, not that I am pleased to see my offspring leave home, but my son who is moving out after Christmas and buying a place with his GF, keeps asking me if I will miss him and questions why his GF's mum is really upset, (with irrational anger outbursts) about her moving out when I seem to be OK about him leaving home. I think its because he is moving only 20 mins from me and he is 29,. whereas his GF is 25 and moving about 2 hours from her mum. I do have 2 other offspring, another son of 25 who went to Uni and then moved into a flat with his GF who he met at Uni (they now live 20 mins from me too!)...I have a daughter who is 23 and says she is never leaving home but when her time comes I hope to deal with it the same. To be honest I see more of them now they have left than before. My middle son stays over a couple of times a week when his GF is out or away with friends (he plays XBox with his brother and reverts to being a kid again). I did wonder if I would suffer from empty next syndrome or loneliness as I am single but I have a busy job and lots of friends, interests and to be honest enjoy the peace

So do you still have children at home? My daughter is gone now, 25 and 2 girls of her own but I have 3 boys at home still. One is 24 and just thinking about getting a place with a friend. If I hadn't of started all over again and had the younger 2 who are 10 and 4, I'd be laughing!! I cannot wait to get them all gone now, buy a camper van and drive off into the sunset, totally by myself!

“Plus I’m not sure if having your kids later in life ( 35+ ) makes it worse?”

No, not at all. Like speakout I had DD later (at 41). OH is 66 and we are both ready to not have a teenager in the house all the time. He has had some pretty serious health scares, and we want to be able to do our own thing, and pop away for the odd short break etc without needing to think about DD, and before it is too late.

“Perhaps some women who had their kids early have yet to learn that- they are starting from scratch on a child free adult life.
It feels to me like just picking up the reins again.”

I agree with this ^^

I couldn't work out whether to let the fostering suggestion go unanswered or not, but it is utterly ridiculous.

Not only is fostering about far more than providing a spare room, but just think how a potentially homesick new student DD or DS would feel. Taking their first tentative steps towards leaving home and they then find that they have been supplanted by a foster child.

Not a great idea.

No, not at all. Like speakout I had DD later (at 41).

I had DS at 39, then DD at 41. I don't think my quasi-geriatric status makes much difference, but I have no basis for comparison. We still have DD at home, so I still have someone to look after. She really misses her brother.

Crikey! I can't imagine feeling this bereft. If anything, I can't wait to gut out her bedroom, tip that it is!

Not RTFT, so someone may already have mentioned this but I recommend you watch Cold enough for snow by Jack Rosenthal (sequel to Eskimo day) It's brilliantly funny but its also semi autobiographical - JR fell apart when his son went to university.

It does get better and you will adjust, allow yourself a weep a day!
My two left home within 6 weeks of each other and I took it well and thought it was all a myth this “empty nest” lark.

Roll on 8 years and I’m right where you are, my son in June emigrated to America, when I took him and his fiancée to the airport I suddenly sobbed whilst driving. In hindsight I think I’d been in denial about how permanent his move was and it hit me like a freight train. We have just returned from his wedding last week and I felt another wave of emptiness as I hugged him goodbye. I am so happy for him/them but they are always your children. Every hour on the plane back just increased that feeling of distance. It’s also that knowledge that I can’t just get to him quickly should he need help. ( he would be mortified at 29 to know I think like this 😳).

It will get easier and FaceTime is a godsend. My MIL always said, never wish their lives away too quickly, and she was right. I would give anything to go back in time and have the noise and bustle of them and their friends making a mess 💐

My daughter moved away to uni last year, she was homesick, I was bereft! Fast forward a a year, she skipped back to the new term.
It got me hard, wasn't expecting that as she was the 3rd to leave home. There's lots if advice, do what feels right for you. We needed lots if contact in those early weeks. Allow yourself those moments to have a cry, talk to other mums who have been there, we understand 💚