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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

245 replies

daffodillament · 30/09/2018 11:32

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ? Shock

OP posts:
TheThirdOfHerName · 30/09/2018 15:15

When I went to university, my family encouraged no visits home (or visits from them) in the first month - phone calls and letters only. The first week was hard, but I then settled fully, my halls felt like home, and I was actually less homesick than my friends who went home every weekend.

We are encouraging the same policy with DS1 because we believe that's best for him in the long run. Obviously we would go up there if there's an emergency, but no visits home (or parental visits to him) planned until the end of October.

His girlfriend is visiting him soon, and his grandparents soon after that, so he will have some visitors.

user1492809438 · 30/09/2018 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EthelHornsby · 30/09/2018 15:23

You say you are not ready for this - not sure how, it’s hardly a surprise he’s left school and moved on! I think you are very OTT, yes. Instead of highlighting all the weekends and holidays on your calendar, how about letting him alone to settle in and spending the time with your other DC instead. If you’ve done your job right he should be able to cope fine without constant visits

TonTonMacoute · 30/09/2018 15:25

It is like their first day at school with knobs on.

The initial parting is so painful, but it never takes me long to get over it.
Each to their own, but I wouldn’t dream of visiting my DS every 3 weeks, don’t be hurt or surprised if he decides he wants to scale that back in future. You obviously have a strong bond with your DS, it won’t diminish because he is off beginning to live his own life. I’m nearly sixty, and I’m still incredibly close to my DF, and I left home nearly forty years ago!

Remember, that one of the crises of our modern age is the fact that so many adults have had to go back and live with their parents because they cannot afford their own place Smile.

I hope you feel better soon OP.

TheThirdOfHerName · 30/09/2018 15:26

@NotSureThisIsWhatIWant

Thank you for posting that. Some of my friends seem to be visiting their offspring already and/or being delighted that they are coming home for a weekend, even though they only left a week or at most a fortnight ago.

Of course I would love to see DS1, give him a hug and spend time with him, but I really believe that these weekends in the first term are important for bonding with new friends and establishing a sense of belonging. It's important for his development that DH & I give him some space.

TheThirdOfHerName · 30/09/2018 15:42

@Nettleskeins
That is very insightful.
I hadn't thought of categorising the support I want to give him into things that will actually benefit him vs things which are really for my benefit.

StripeyDeckchair · 30/09/2018 15:44

You're planning a get together every two or three weeks!
That's WAY over the top.

Your job as a parent is to prepare your children to live their life away from you, he's off on the first step of doing that and you need to leave him rob it. He'll initiate contact & visits when it's suits him & he needs it. It's not about you and what you think/ feel now, it's about him.

I also feel a bit sorry for your children still at home - do they not matter? You trailing around weeping because your eldest has moved on, a natural & planned step, is likely to make them feel inadequate.

Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 15:56

Ooof ! I feel like I'm getting a battering now ! Anyway, we ARE all different. I don't agree with uni students discouraging home visits and I certainly don't agree with whoever said they will actively discourage visits and have phone calls and letters only. Like I said, I am going to take his lead and be there and support him whatever. Blimey, I am not neglecting my other two because of this stripeydeckchair, they know what I'm like and know I'll be exactly the same with them..god help them !

OP posts:
Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 15:57

PS. Does anyone know what that deleted message said ? Missed that one.

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 30/09/2018 16:11

It didn't really say anything that the more blunt posters haven't, just in a particularly unpleasant way that suggests the poster may not be a very nice person Grin

SoyDora · 30/09/2018 16:12

user1492809438 basically said you were being pathetic and she felt sorry fo your son, but in even harsher terms! It was a bit OTT.

I think what you need to remember OP is that what your son is saying re visits after 24 hours at uni is very likely to change over the next few weeks. Don’t hold him to the plans he may already have made, or make him feel guilty if he no longer wants you to visor so often. Honestly the only person I knew at uni who saw parents every 2-3 weeks ended up dropping out by Christmas as she didn’t give herself the opportunity to settle and make friends.

IfNotNowThenWhen1 · 30/09/2018 16:37

Some people just can't help being cunts. They would never dare say that to your face though!

MrsStrowman · 30/09/2018 16:39

This seems a bit of an overreaction, I went 350 miles away, pretty sure my parents weren't bereft. What are you going to do when he moves out, or gets married? He's an adult now, be proud of his achievements and let him go

MrsStrowman · 30/09/2018 16:42

My parents dropped me off at the start of the year and picked me and ask if my stuff, up at the end of the year. I'd go home for the holidays, or a major event (dad's fiftieth). Your son will have his own life, work and social commitments, I don't mean this cruelly but he won't want you there every few weeks, let him spread his wings.

Macaroni46 · 30/09/2018 16:50

Maybe I'm hard hearted but I don't really get where you're coming from. I see my job as a parent to prepare my children for adulthood, to be independent and confident to go out into the world unencumbered by a clingy parent. I want them to enjoy their own life and I'm happy for them that they're both fully integrated into uni life. I see their leaving as a new chapter. I loved having them at home when they were younger. Now that time has passed and it is a new stage. There's nothing to be sad about. It's just how life works.
My own mother found it impossible to let me go (I was an only child) and as a result I spent a lot of my youth, including uni, feeling obliged to see her and feeling guilty for having fun. Please don't live through your child. Let him be his own person. He knows you love him, are there for him etc. Let him lead the way.

6triesbuttingout · 30/09/2018 16:51

Oh I remember that one!!!! I spent days in tears, son thought all his Christmas’s had come at once. He settled in and had a brilliant time. However when he came home for visit we had ‘top dog syndrome ‘ Mostly based on who had control if remote control 😊😊 if it’s any help it was a great experience for him and a leaning curve for me. Son is now in mid 30s and dad of oldest granchild. This may be a bit of a cliche but you have to let them go to get them back 💐💐💐💐

Nydj · 30/09/2018 17:11

It does get easier - we still miss our son who has just started second year at uni but we all settle into term time and holiday routines. I try and focus on the positives like the fact that I t’s lovely seeing him becoming more independent and mature.

Severide08 · 30/09/2018 17:25

My eldest graduated this July, i still have to much younger DC's at home. It does get easier OP honestly. Me and my DS have always been very close and the day we took him up 3 yrs ago I was upset on the way home. I really worried he was going from a tiny village to a city how would he cope etc .He now has a house ,a job and a partner in the City he graduated in. We go up now and I am so incredibly proud and you will be too OP. You have brought him up well and now he is spreading his wings and becoming independent. My DS knows I am always at the end the phone he needs me but now is his time to make his life . Graduation day will come OP and you will sit there bursting with pride .

Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 17:27

Thankyou again for all the nice messages and supportive advice. To those saying I'll be holding him back..this is nonsense, as I've said, i'll take a back step, take his lead, be a distant cheer leader or whatever but I will never discourage him or force myself into his space.

OP posts:
Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 17:28

severeride Thankyou and you and your son sound amazing !

OP posts:
Everyoneiswingingit · 30/09/2018 17:30

Your son is a lucky boy OP. He has the confidence to follow his dream and you in his corner when he needs it.

Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 17:32

That's so lovely of you Everyone !

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Severide08 · 30/09/2018 17:35

daffodillament Thankyou,I think my son is not so sure about me lol .You won't hold him back at all .Just be there if he needs you and you will be fine. I remember my son whatsapping me rather worse the wear after freshers in the early hrs 😂and then again the next morning with a hangover .We look back on it now and laugh .You sound like a fab mum he will be fine Smile

bewilderedhedgehog · 30/09/2018 17:37

Daffodillament - you sound lovely, and you will be fine. It is not surprising to feel emotional about big changes in your family, but it will become more familiar. My daughter has just rung to say the washing is expensive, so she doesn't plan on doing any, except handwashing ! So that will be interesting...(I am assuming that she will actually wash her clothes and bedding!) x

RuthW · 30/09/2018 18:02

Hugs. It does get better. My only child went off to uni three years ago. For three weeks I couldn't think about her without bursting into tears.

It does yet better but it takes weeks. I still cry when she goes off. She went today to start her 4th year but now I wait until she's gone so she doesn't see.