Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

245 replies

daffodillament · 30/09/2018 11:32

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ? Shock

OP posts:
eddiemairswife · 30/09/2018 12:21

I was glad to see each of mine go, because that is what they wanted to do, and it was the next phase in their lives. I had also returned full-time to teaching, and, as a neighbour said, I had a new family to care for (all 26 Y6s).

Babyroobs · 30/09/2018 12:21

We dropped our ds1 off last week - three hours from home and yes I am missing him but he seems to be fine and having a great time. I have been texting him daily just to check he's ok but all seems to be fine. It is hard to adjust but then for us, we have 3 others at home and life is very hectic. My ds did a gap year and worked and grew in confidence, so I hope this helps.

speakout · 30/09/2018 12:22

I think it's easier as my eldest had a gap year in New Zealand- I found that tough.

Thing is he came back and looks like he is settled for the next decade or so at home!!

Would actually love to see him fly!

ElleMcFearsome · 30/09/2018 12:25

I found when eldest DD went that the first few months were very odd, I missed her a great deal (she has a BIG personality) and there seemed to be so much empty space at home. I'd just got used to it, then she came home for Xmas (which was lovely) and then went again. When she went back after Xmas I was dreading it - having just got used to her not being here, then her coming home, I thought I'd go through all the upset again, and you know what? It was fine. The next year youngest DD went off to Uni and the same thing happened. Now eldest is in her final year and Youngest is in her 2nd year and DH and I enjoy our time when they are away, and love spending time with them when they're back.

FullMetalRabbit · 30/09/2018 12:25

Hi OP, I really feel for you. I had this for the first few weeks and then I got used to it and really enjoyed it when he came home in the in-between bits. You will start getting used to a new normal.

My eldest has never really returned home as he has now graduated and his first job in in another city.

My middle son will be going in a year so I think I'll going through it all again!

It will get better Smile

AbsentmindedWoman · 30/09/2018 12:26

I think it depends on the kid and every parent knows their own kid, when it comes to how often to visit.

I loved my folks visiting me for lunch and I went home every weekend, as did many of my friends - seems to be quite normal in Ireland, not so much in the UK.

ashtrayheart · 30/09/2018 12:26

You must be incredibly proud of him. You've raised a child who has gone to uni, I would be so proud of myself too! Grin
A time for adjustment I guess, it will be fine.

HelloMorning · 30/09/2018 12:28

Sending sympathies OP! This will be me in 10 years! :) Flowers

MrsBartlet · 30/09/2018 12:30

Op - I completely relate to this. My dd has just started her fourth year and I was like this when she started first year. It took me most of the first term to get used to it as it feels like the end of an era and your family is moving onto a new stage. You will get used to it and start to enjoy a new relationship with your more grown up dc.

I can't understand all the previous posters telling you not to visit. All of dd's friends have their parents visit now and again and take them out for dinner.

Gersemi · 30/09/2018 12:34

Not sure that visiting regularly is a great idea. I know how you feel, having been similarly devastated when DD went to university over 200 miles away. We planned a weekend trip to visit her, looked forward to it massively, but when we were there the last two or three hours were really overshadowed by the realisation we were going to have to go through that parting all over again. And it did indeed feel equally awful, but the worst thing was that I knew that it really wasn't good for DD - she also was clearly only just holding it in when we parted the first time, she then settled in OK, but the second parting took her back to square one.

cantkeepawayforever · 30/09/2018 12:35

MrsBartlet,

I would say it is OK to visit - IF invited and IF specifically asked for a particular weekend, not on a 'previously planned timetable stretching over the entire term'. But visits should be on the child's terms, and at their instigation, not the adult's.

MissConductUS · 30/09/2018 12:39

My oldest started uni the first week of September and we went up last weekend for parents and homecoming weekend. What's helped are video chatting on FaceTime and going up to see him last weekend. He's about 200 miles away, we're in New York and he's near Boston.

The video chatting let me see that he's really okay. TBH, there are things he misses about home and things he likes about university. You have to be there for him. If he knows that you're shattered about it it will be harder for him, so put on a good face.

MaMisled · 30/09/2018 12:40

I felt like I'd been hit by a train. I wailed and wept for four days. That was 5 years ago. I promise you'll soon adapt but it is the eginning of the end of a happy,busy, chaotic era. I hope, like mine, your DC will thrive and love uni life as that'll make it so much easier for you.

Sending hugs.xxx

daisypond · 30/09/2018 12:44

I've texted mine to ask if she wanted me/us to visit and she most definitely doesn't. She doesn't want to do FaceTime/Skype. At the moment we send a WhatsApp message every day, but I'll expect that to decrease over time.

roisin · 30/09/2018 12:45

I always thought I wouldn't be that parent: I wanted them to be independent, looked forward to them going to uni. I didn't prepare or anticipate feeling bereft, especially when ds2 was still here. So it hit me like an unexpected freight train and I was totally floored. I have worked full-time for years, have hobbies, friends and various commitments. But it still feels very strange to be in this big old house which feels empty and abandoned.

They are in yr2 and yr4 of uni now and it will still take me several weeks to adapt after a summer of their company.

My thoughts are with you OP.

user1471451866 · 30/09/2018 12:47

OP my two went two years ago and I was just like you. It gradually got better but for the first week at least i was a wreck. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit I couldn't eat for a few days!
We see them a couple of times each term, one slightly more than the other. We are led by them, but most of their friend's parents visit too, or go home so I don't think it's that unusual.
It does get easier!

Maelstrop · 30/09/2018 12:49

Please don’t plan a ton of visits. My parents visited and I’m afraid I just didn’t want them there. I was busy studying, working, it was awful. Go if invited. He needs to be independent and make friends.

sonjadog · 30/09/2018 12:51

I understand that you are sad about it, but seriously, don't go visit him every 2-3 weeks, even for a brief visit. You will be hampering his social activities ("I can´t go because my Mum is turning up") and you will also be making it harder for him to cut the apron strings and gain complete independence. Young people need to be in situations where they need to to work it out themselves without their Mum turn up regularly to give them a pep talk. If I were you, I´d go once in a month or so, and then leave it at that. If he really wants you to come between then and Christmas, he can ask you. If not, it isn´t long between end of October and Christmas anyway.

scaryteacher · 30/09/2018 12:52

Mine has just finished after 4 years and is now home again. Am getting a tad bored of my house being treated as if it is his accommodation at uni - am getting really bored of sweeping up breadcrumbs and putting the butter away every time he has toast.

He went to board at sixth form, so him going to university wasn't such a shock. Having him home is!

JaceLancs · 30/09/2018 13:01

I thought I was fine when DS (my youngest) went to university - took him there helped unload went for lunch etc didn’t shed a tear
Then that evening on way over to see a friend as I was driving I suddenly started to cry like I couldn’t stop - pulled over and eventually carried on to friends house who took one look at me poured my a very large brandy and suggested I stay over
I got very drunk and cried a lot!
All that said I soon adjusted
DS came home at some point most holidays depending on his part time job and social life
Every now and then I would visit take him for a meal and do a big food shop
Our relationship changed but grew
He’s now 25 in a good job but temporarily living back at home saving for a house deposit
I am sure I’ll ferl bad again when he goes but that’s the parent bit - bringing them up to be independent grow up and fly the nest

bewilderedhedgehog · 30/09/2018 13:01

Hi, I really feel for you. I took my youngest to university yesterday, the eldest 10 years ago. I hardly ever post here (but lurk a lot!), but wanted to share a poem I have found very helpful (below). I agree with much of what others have said - when you let them go, and then watch them grow it is brilliant. Anyway, see if this helps

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Tartyflette · 30/09/2018 13:03

When DS (only child) went away to university at the other end of the country I though I'd be far worse than I actually was.
I was sad, felt bereft of course but DH and I were determined to plan things to do for ourselves and not be a couple of saddos moping around at home. We went out at least a couple of times a week, had projects like foreign cinema (that one lasted a couple of terms Grin ) and generally put effort into enjoying ourselves without him.
It wasn't always easy but it worked.
Also DS was quite independent, good at making friends and happy to go off without a backward glance at us since his YR6 residential! (sob) So I suppose we were OK parents. Probably.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 30/09/2018 13:05

I can’t imagine feeling like this. I’m actively looking forward to my eldest spreading her wings a little and having some adventures.

I am, apparently, rather odd! :o

Mind you, I can’t imagine ever getting to have my home to myself ever again either as I have two children with additional needs.

Pass the Gin please? :)

daisypond · 30/09/2018 13:10

bewilderedhedgehog - that's lovely. I don't know that Khalil Gibran one.

EdWinchester · 30/09/2018 13:12

I dreaded my eldest going 2 years ago.

But in reality, it was fine and the holidays are very long indeed.

We have visited him once at uni in that 2 years, and that was only because it was his birthday. We felt very much that we were on his territory.

I always have a little private cry when he goes back, but would never let on. Uni is the making of them and our job is to be strong and supportive. I always remember my mum - she was a clingy nightmare and made me feel guilty for going.