To want to hold my baby

[shelbeee]

Have name-changed for this so I don't have to censor my (prob quite over emotional) ranting..

My DD is 3 weeks old and we've come to PIL for the weekend. MiL invited 4 different groups of people over today to meet DD - the last group are still here. All day they have passed around my baby. I just had her back to feed, was just finishing and MIL is standing over me asking to 'have a turn'. She has since handed her to one of the friends' kids. I'm so desperate for them to go so I can hold my baby. I don't want to constantly feel like she's about to be taken off of me. She smells all wrong.

How do I say 'no actually' when people want to hold her?? They have done this every time they've seen her since she's been born and it leaves me feeling really anxious and wound up.

AIBU? Or hormonal?

Just stand up, take her off whoever has her (big smile) and say "its been lovely to see you all but we've had a very busy day and someone needs to settled down with mummy now" and leave the room.

That’s a lot of passing around for a very young baby. Just get up and take the baby while saying “she needs some time with mummy”. It’s not as if you have not been accomodating enough already. I feel that some babies get unsettled when passed around a lot of people. Cuddles from 2-3 people is probably enough.

At three weeks old, she doesn’t need to be passed round like a doll. Foodylicious has great advice, just take her back.

Why is she taking her off you to give to friends kids anyway?!

Yanbu.

Just say 'no, actually, I haven't held her much today and it's very important that I do for us both to bond, so I'm going to hold her for a while now. You can have a turn when she's next ready for one'.

It is horrible though, I remember it well. I get what you mean about them smelling all wrong too.

I wanted very much to scream "no you can't bloody hold him he's mine!" And "give him back right now" to literally everyone who held ds until he was about one.

Maternal instinct is a strong thing!

I agree. Say your baby needs to be back with you, and take her back. Don't worry about offending anyone- stand your ground

Say that she's getting overwhelmed so.youre taking her to your room for a bit. Are you breast feeding? The midwife or hv should back you up that you need to feed on demand.if you don't want children holding your baby just take them back out of their arms. I dont let children pick DD up but would sit them together in an armchair for a photo.

You are totally right and some good advice here

I used to just take my baby back and say sorry but I miss him when I'm not holding him.

Or you could put baby in a sling.

YOU are the mother now, not your MIL. A 3 week old is far too young to be passed around to do many people in a day. It's time to stand up for what you want and tell your MIL this will not be happening again. If someone asks to hold her, you simply say no.

Oh God I remember it well. I was desperate for someone to take her so I could get a break and then as soon as they did I was practically clawing my way out of my own skin. Tbh I'm still like that!

Did she ask you if you were up for visitors? How totally disrespectful

Ultimately it’s your baby your choice and MIL should respect that. On a personal level I could not disagree more with you though, I loved having the opportunity to drink a hot cup of coffee and was happy to have someone hold her, especially if it’s a loving grandparent and the smell thing sounds a bit odd to me. But it doesn’t matter what I think, you don’t want other people to hold your baby so just say no and be firm, make an excuse to leave the room if necessary.

YANBU it’s too much for your baby (and too much for you), I agree taking her back with s cheery ‘she needs to settle now’ Is the best plan. I used to get the rage when my babies ended up smelling of other people perfume and body lotions - maternal instinct is strong!

Urgh. Babies are not dolls. They are real people why have strong emotional needs to be with their mothers. A 3 week old doesn’t even know they are their mother are not the same entity.

Just say “that’s enough now, my baby needs to settle with their mother”.

In the nicest way possible OP grow a pair and advocate for the emotional needs of your child. Welcome to parenthood!!

Get your DH to have a word - he should be prioritising you and his baby anyway. Or tell pil to cut it out yourself or just refuse to visit for the time being if they won’t.

I would be so worried about my tiny baby catching something too...!

You haven't said it's affecting baby, if its only one day I'd let it go. The novelty will soon wear off and you can hold her all day every other day

Just say no more - you’re really tired and need to take baby to bed. It’s not a really bad thing to be assertive in these situations!

Totally agree with @abs, good advice

ugh germs. Just leave the room I used to say feeding time now

Totally agree with abs, good advice

Ugh I feel for you :( I really struggled with this. My dd is 5 months now and in the beginning it was horrible my mil would walk into a room and just take her from my arms. I couldn't feed without my fil sitting on the edge of the chair bouncing to get at her. People kept telling me how lovely it was that she had grandparents who were interested but I just felt like I never got a look in with my baby and the poor thing was passed around like a rag doll. It only changed when she started having to be put down for naps now I just take her up earlier than I need to and stay with her. Even with thať though I feel like I can't even hold my own baby around them.

I wish I had had the confidence to say no I'm good with her right now she needs a little break. start doing this now before she gets older and they're used to just taking her from you!

You are her mummy. It’s weird in the first few weeks when you’re getting used to the concept of being someone’s mummy, but basically it means your word is law. If you don’t want anyone to hold your baby, that’s ok. If you’re uncomfortable with people wearing perfume and holding your baby, that’s ok. If you don’t want to visit anyone for 3 months that’s ok. You call the shots.

Your tiny precious newborn doesn’t have a voice yet, so you’re her voice. You say, “I’m just having a cuddle/she’s seen enough faces/she’s tired/needs a feed” or simply no, not just now or, if you’re brave enough, no. It’s a complete sentence don’t you know

That’s not the point though @mrsS@ is it? She’s unhappy now. Actually the other people can hold the baby when she’s bigger.

I know what you mean about the smell. My dh was great and told people if they wanted to hold baby they couldn t wear perfume or aftershave. Even my highly perfumed aunt followed the rule.

However one day my friend dropped in and I wasn't thinking. She held my baby and when she came back to me she smelt of perfume.

I had to bath her that evening with baby wash to get her smell back.

A 3 week old baby should not be passed around. They haven't had their jabs and can pick up all sorts of germs and bugs.

I was so lucky that all my family and friends waited for me to offer, or if they asked and I said no they respected that.

You need to protect your baby and your bonding..just take the baby back and say you need to change nappy or try a feed.

It can really unsettle them..remember these first weeks baby is still in 4th trimester, they don't understand where they are and they will feel safest against a familiar smell and heart beat

Enlist your DH. If there are lots more callers tomorrow, head to the bedroom with the baby and he can field his mother and the well wishers.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. Have very nearly burst into tears so have come out to clean up the kitchen and calm down.

Going to put my big girl pants on in a sec and go and get her back.