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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to hold my baby

181 replies

shelbeee · 28/09/2018 21:54

Have name-changed for this so I don't have to censor my (prob quite over emotional) ranting..

My DD is 3 weeks old and we've come to PIL for the weekend. MiL invited 4 different groups of people over today to meet DD - the last group are still here. All day they have passed around my baby. I just had her back to feed, was just finishing and MIL is standing over me asking to 'have a turn'. She has since handed her to one of the friends' kids. I'm so desperate for them to go so I can hold my baby. I don't want to constantly feel like she's about to be taken off of me. She smells all wrong.

How do I say 'no actually' when people want to hold her?? They have done this every time they've seen her since she's been born and it leaves me feeling really anxious and wound up.

AIBU? Or hormonal?

OP posts:
sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 30/09/2018 11:47

This thread makes me angry all over again!!

TurquoiseDress · 30/09/2018 11:54

Just to add- family/close relatives aside for a moment- I don't get why some people insist on holding newborn/tiny babies!

When I meet new babies I only hold them if I'm invited to do so by the mum/Dad- I don't tend to ask or pressure for it.

Some mothers just aren't comfortable with others holding their babies so early on- and that is perfectly ok!

TurquoiseDress · 30/09/2018 11:55

@sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch

Yes it's doing that to me too!
And even a little bit tearful yikes

Original poster
shelbeee · 30/09/2018 12:06

Essentially DH won't back me up on this.. his mum is such a strong character and he hates confrontation. It has caused problems between us before.

When I took baby back yesterday she just said 'oh, let me give her a kiss goodbye'

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 30/09/2018 12:18

Well no one should be kissing the baby until they’re at least 6 weeks old anyway!!!

offspring.lifehacker.com/even-if-you-feel-like-a-jerk-dont-let-people-kiss-your-1797246899

So your DH won’t support and out first the needs of his postnatal wife and infant child because he cares more about upsetting his grown adult mother than the 2 of you.

Just read that sentence a few times. Get him to read it. He is primarily a father and husband.

Like I said, predictable since time immemorial HmmSadAngry

ledzepplintooasiseclectic · 30/09/2018 12:19

My OH was pathetic when it came to his own parents. So it’s up to you to be clear about the boundaries as you can’t rely on him. It amazes me how my OH who has a very senior and responsible role can rever back to being a teenager around his DP

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 30/09/2018 12:36

Unfortunately then you have to stand firm. Sling the baby and say no, walk off if you need to. Make it clear to dh you are doing this as a direct result of MIL actions and refusing to listen to you both. Tell him you would be very disapointed if he kept putting his mum over his wife and dc just because she might kick off

Original poster
shelbeee · 30/09/2018 13:52

I've told him this. He said it's very hard and he doesn't want to make a scene. I said if it carries on like this I'll be the one making a scene.

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 30/09/2018 14:39

It sounds like he is scared of upsetting his mother. Maybe you need to make it very clear in not backing you up and helping establishing boundaries he is upsetting you and his child. You are his family and he needs to step up otherwise he is risking driving a wedge beteeen you.

Good luck OP

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 30/09/2018 14:41

I cringe now when I think of it blush. I'm ashamed to admit I also visited new babies when they were just a few days old AND didn't bring food AND sat for ages AND let the new parents make me tea. Feel like apologising to every person I did this too Tbh new parents are not one homogeneous mass. Some enjoy friends and family visiting and that's fine too! I love my family and loved having them visit as I felt supported and could just feel how much everyone loved my son. Others like to be left alone with their new baby and that's fine too! I do think that guide for visiting new parents is ridiculous though and I would be embarrassed to hand that to anyone! I'd be mortified if visitors came round and started doing jobs in my house. Or if they felt they had to bring me a meal each time they visited. Some of my friends can only afford to feed themselves and their own families, without feeling like they had to provide my family with food also!

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 30/09/2018 15:09

Good point @WaterOffaDucksCrack

Absofrigginlootly · 30/09/2018 15:09

I don’t think it’s supposed to be taken literally, I wouldn’t expect visitors to do “jobs” around the house either (could you just regrout the tiles while you’re here Barbara?! Grin) but it’s a good reason minder for those with entitled and disrespectful relatives (like the OPs) that it’s not all about them and they should be SUPPORTING the new parents with their baby

Absofrigginlootly · 30/09/2018 15:10

*reason minder ???? Reminder

OhHolyJesus · 30/09/2018 15:19

I really feel for you OP, it's so hard and especially when your baby wants you at night as she hasn't had you during the day so you don't sleep and then are expected to have your newborn passed around like a doll. To me it's wrong and as a new mother your physical and mental health is fragile and I think others should do as you ask not the other way around. Your DH included.
Anyway, I'm afraid this is an early test of your marriage as you both learn to be parents and how being a parent is more important than being a son or a daughter yourselves.
If you stand your ground now it will not only make you feel stronger but draw a line between what went before and how it is now you are the parent and not just the daughter in law.
Stand up for your DD to your MiL, you're the boss now. Stay home, don't visit, decline her visits to you, make your own friends you can be busy with, make plans that don't include her and just slowly increase that degree of separation.
Look after yourself and your mental health, it's really important.

Inertia · 30/09/2018 15:21

Your husband will continue to capitulate to his mother at the expense of you and the baby, because he is weak. You do need to be prepared to make a scene, because you are the only one showing any willingness to put your child’s needs above a grown woman’s stroppy demands.

timeisnotaline · 30/09/2018 15:44

I always think it’s a big mistake to be the one who won’t make a scene. It just allows self centred overly dramatic people to get their way. My dh knows I am not going to be the one who makes peace in ridiculous situations. My mil will absolutely pander to the most upset and ask everyone else to just give a little and make it ok for x. Eg I know they took your stools and you want them back but why don’t I buy you the ugliest stools you’ve ever seen or imagined instead and then everyone has something? Me: no, dp is going around tomorrow to pick up our stools.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 30/09/2018 15:58

But it tells them to jobs so why else would it be in there? I interpret jobs as washing up and similar rather than DIY. My family would think I was well cheeky giving them that!

Blondebakingmumma · 30/09/2018 15:59

Please just say no. I feel really angry for you

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 30/09/2018 16:03

People are talking about going NC and "increasing degrees of separation" when the op hasn't even said anything to her mother-in-law as far as we know! It might be a case of over excited grandma getting a bit much. It might be the case that the grandma is an arsehole. But at least try to resolve it first. I think many posters on these threads forget they may be a grandma one day. They'll probably be posting threads about evil daughter-in-laws though.

Yogagirl123 · 30/09/2018 16:12

Your baby, your rules OP. Of course you want to spend time with your baby YANBU at all.

By all means spend time with your MIL, and of course she wants to bond with her grandchild, but it was selfish of her to invite so many people over, when the baby is just 3 weeks old, totally overwhelming.

I feel so sorry for you, I bet you can’t wait to go home.

HowMa · 30/09/2018 16:18

I was the opposite. I loved when people held her. However! If that's not your thing, it's your absolute right to say that you'd prefer to hold the baby now.

Original poster
shelbeee · 30/09/2018 16:45

MIL is not an asshole but she does force us all to dance to her tune. She already wants to plan when she's next seeing the baby but yes I do want a bit of space.

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 30/09/2018 16:56

I don’t think anyone on this thread has suggested going NC???!

That would of course be an absolute overreaction to a MIL inviting too many people round and walking off with the baby.

Overbearing and completely selfish and insensitive behaviour? Definitely.

Toxic and abusive? In itself no (although depends if it’s part of a wider pattern of emotional abuse and boundary trampelling which is symptomatic of a person with serious dysfunctional problems - as it was in the case of my MIL Sad)

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 30/09/2018 17:00

WaterOffaDucksCrack to be fair to those posters the OP did update to say her husband doesn't like to confront his strong character mum and that it's caused issues between them before.

I think they need boundries but OP has more a husband issue there if he won't back her up.

LittleOwl153 · 30/09/2018 17:10

I'd be making a lot more use of that sling, and if she asks why you can tell her.

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