To want to hold my baby

[shelbeee]

Have name-changed for this so I don't have to censor my (prob quite over emotional) ranting..

My DD is 3 weeks old and we've come to PIL for the weekend. MiL invited 4 different groups of people over today to meet DD - the last group are still here. All day they have passed around my baby. I just had her back to feed, was just finishing and MIL is standing over me asking to 'have a turn'. She has since handed her to one of the friends' kids. I'm so desperate for them to go so I can hold my baby. I don't want to constantly feel like she's about to be taken off of me. She smells all wrong.

How do I say 'no actually' when people want to hold her?? They have done this every time they've seen her since she's been born and it leaves me feeling really anxious and wound up.

AIBU? Or hormonal?

You'll need to say something to her yourself - she clearly doesn't care what you think, so don't worry about upsetting her.

I have to see them again today, am going to need to say something I know.

She’s a gem . Yes you are going to have to tell her. Don’t let her pull the matriarch card and/ or cry. You are both adults and you are the mother of a tiny baby, who needs you.

My MIL did this, not in a nasty way at all but I found it so hard. I remember hating my baby smelling wrong and having to bath her too! I got very good at saying no to extended cuddles and I made people give DD back the second she cried.

There was one time DD was upset and I wanted her back and MIL said “oh no she’s okay” - I just stood up, calmly took the baby back, and sat down again. I also remember a family party where she kept taking DD off for a cuddle and DD kept crying every time - eventually I just said she’s over stimulated and no more cuddles! At one point DD started crying and one of MILs friends tried to take her for a quick cuddle, I remember her having a face like thunder when I said “no, sorry but she’s way too tired and just needs cuddles with me and sleep.” There were a few things like that where I had to put my foot down firmly, I didn’t want to be horrible but I’m the Mum and I wanted them to respect our boundaries and DD’s needs. I’m glad I did because as she’s got older they do check things with me and respect when I say no to something or I want DD’s routine to be different (they kindly look after her two days a week). Good luck sorting it out! New babies change the dynamic for everyone, it’s hard!

Ahhh well done op. So glad you're being assertive.

This is something we really need to talk about more as a society re the importance of supporting the MUM so she can look after her baby better. Not treat the mum as a vessel for carrying the baby. A lot of people don't even know what the fourth trimester is or why baby and mum need that initial bonding so much.

My MIL did this, I just said I need the baby back now. One time she said was her turn after her friend had had week old baby for half a hour, I said no he's my baby and I want him now. She did seem upset but you have to be strong or they will keep pushing you. Unfortunately my son is 7 months now and MIL still takes him and goes out room... She says she needs alone time to bond and one day I will probably snap but for now with that one I silently seethe! My mother never needs this alone time to bond

My sister got married 3 days after my Dd2 was born.

As you can imagine everyone wanted to hold her. That's what people do with babies.

I had lots of complications / infections. I also had a 22 month and just as I got them both settled into the double prank someone else would come over.

It gave me anxiety all day but I knew it would only last the day / night.

Husband was absolutely hammered all day and came into our hotel room at 3am waking the 3 of us up.

Entirely different thread!!

You've been there all day without your DH? You're a saint for doing that in the first place. Now never do it again!

Yanbu. Who passes a baby around at 3 weeks. Stand up here and take her back

This takes me back to my first . I remember mil making jokes about getting some bottles so the baby could stay with them which to a struggling breastfeeding first time mum was a hideous thing to hear. She would follow me when I went into a room to feed (and try to escape) it used to drive me so mad the passing round - also my fil would say 'does mum want a hold' meaning mil not me (to my dh) which showed they hadn't even thought of me as a mother
I do think with a 1st a lot of people get over excited and get it wrong and it's really hard to be assertive as a new mum
Just to offer some reassurance they did calm down and are now fantastic grandparents without being to intense but I do still feel rage thinking about that time
I was really strict with my second who luckily was an amazing sleeper and was always tucked up in a Moses basket when we had visitors and I wAs very firm that she couldn't be lifted out if asleep-this raised a few eyebrows but I was much more assertive

She sounds terrible. I would probably put the baby in a sling today. 1 it makes your point clear, 2 it controls if and when baby us passed around and 3 it lessens your anxiety.

What did MIL say when you took her back yesterday? Ultimately your husband needs to set boundries with you, as a team. There's many people brow beaten by their spouses refusing to get involved or to set boundries all under the guise of 'you know how they are'.

Slings are good for this. Also I’d keep a boob exposed as much as possible when you’re holding baby. People who have no boundaries about grabbing your baby off you will quite often be unwilling to touch a leaky boob.

This thread makes me tearful and my DC are now adults. I’ll never forget what it was like to have relatives trying to pass my babies around like baggage, the awfulness of them smelling wrong and above all the disempowerment of being ignored. I have little patience for extended family who bang on about their rights to someone’s newborn. OP, you’re post natal and vulnerable and they’re taking advantage of that. However it’ll probably just take one or two episodes of firm assertiveness to set the tone for the future. Just say no. You’re the boss. 💐

Hate people being all entitled when it comes to holding your baby! I have a week old newborn and my mum is always like "oh I can't wait to get my hands on him" whenever she comes.

It really annoys me too, I'm loving all the baby cuddles and adhering (very willingly) to the "4th trimester" (especially as he was a few weeks early) and everyone is saying I'm "spoiling" him and making a rod for my own back - yet when they come visit they want to hold him and aren't satisfied with just looking at him lying there in a Moses basket which is what they want me to do dicks.

I was waiting for the post where OP says her DH excuses MILs behaviour as “that’s just how she is” What, selfish, emotionally stunted, controlling, rude and dismissive...?

It’s not your fault OP but these threads are amongst painful to read now. It’s the same bloody scenarios since time immemorial.

It always follows the some “script” and always plays out the same way.... see Orlaith post ^^

OP spell it out to your DH. Show him this thead. Get him to understand how out of order your MIL is being and how she’s going to damage your relationship with her long term if she doesn’t cut it out.

Oh and it did take DH a while to realise that once we were parents, he might be needing to support me against the wishes of his own parents. It was a rude awakening and caused not a little conflict but he rose to the challenge in the end. Subsequently MILs ambitions to bring all her friends round to our house every week on some kind of bonkers rota to handle my babies were quashed.

www.gentleparenting.co.uk/kc/the-fourth-trimester-calming-a-clingy-newborn/

Your baby really needs as in an all incompassing physical, emotional and spiritual NEED to be close to you, it’s mother. Your DD doesn’t not yet recognise that she is a separate entity to you. 3 short weeks ago she was inside you. She was always held, always surrounded by you, hearing your heartbeat and sensing your presence.

Babies may not cry when being held by others (my DC did/do) but they are definitely unsettled by it.

It really REALLY pisses me off that western society is so dismissive of the emotional NEEDS of newborns and their mothers. Other relatives “needing to bond” is ALL about them and their needs and nothing to do with the actual needs of the newborn baby. It’s just so selfish.

I have to see them again today, am going to need to say something I know

I suggest you arrive wearing your sling let mil have one hold and then keep baby in sling for rest of visit.
When you need to bf , just go into a bedroom & lock the door.

If she tries to get the baby out of the sling she will look deranged.
Can you just leave straight after lunch and say it’s been a very long weekend?

Stay calm and think of today as a new day. The more assertive you, don’t get angry stay calm and assertive. If she tries to do the usual simply say I am keeping her in the sling for a while as she was out of sorts last night which is likely due to feeling sore from being passed around.

When you get back there, say you’ve had an unsettled night with the baby and you’re going to bed with her. Ask DH to bring you food and water and hole up in your room for the day.

My FIL was an absolute nightmare for this with my DS.
Didn't help that we had the first grandkid on both sides and everyone was so over excited.
Now there are a couple more grandchildren so hopefully this baby won't be a novelty and they'll be a bit calmer!

I'm much more prepared this time to say no to people who reach out for the baby though.

People really can't reasonably argue with you if you say no.
If they try to then you can either walk away or say something like - because I don't want to or because I am the mum and I said no.
You literally do not need a reason.

Stand your ground and Good Luck!

I'm not due til next year and this worries me already reading this!

Have you actually said anything TO her?
She may think she is helping?
Tree weeks after my LO was born I would have loved the help, while DH was at work.
If you have spoken to her and she's ignored you then that isn't on.
But I would just suggest talking to her calmly first

It's highly unthoughtful of people to keep passing a new baby around. Just tell them that lots of people have visited and held your baby and now you want your bonding time back so there will be no further cuddles for other people until you're ready. Also if MIL want a her turn she should have thought about that before she invited so many people to see baby and have cuddles. From that she has had to share her time with the baby with others. It's perfectly normal to feel like this and not want to have her around anymore. Maybe speak with your partner about how you feel and see if he'll step in and say something as it's his family. Would he support you? I remember this happening when we had DD and eventually I just had a melt down and no longer wanted to pass her around so I started saying no. Those who want what's best for you as a new mum and baby will understand, those who don't are only thinking of themselves and shouldn't just get what they want if you're not happy

YANBU!

Goodness I feel for you and have experienced similar situations along with my emotional overload!

My LO is now 7 weeks old but from around 2 weeks we had lots of visitors and family/in laws TOTALLY overstaying their welcome.

Others have given v good advice re taking baby back and sounding reasonable.

Ashamed to say I just seethed inside and became stroppy with my DH and everyone around me.

DH wanted our LO to be "lively & sociable"...I was like FFS the baby's 2 weeks old and does not need to be passed round like a parcel!

I couldn't bear watching people sticking their finger into baby's mouth- WTF is that all about??!!
Esp when no hands got washed and others smelled of cigarettes.

DH and I are still, weeks later, experiencing the tensions of this time period

But that's all for another thread