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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to hold my baby

181 replies

shelbeee · 28/09/2018 21:54

Have name-changed for this so I don't have to censor my (prob quite over emotional) ranting..

My DD is 3 weeks old and we've come to PIL for the weekend. MiL invited 4 different groups of people over today to meet DD - the last group are still here. All day they have passed around my baby. I just had her back to feed, was just finishing and MIL is standing over me asking to 'have a turn'. She has since handed her to one of the friends' kids. I'm so desperate for them to go so I can hold my baby. I don't want to constantly feel like she's about to be taken off of me. She smells all wrong.

How do I say 'no actually' when people want to hold her?? They have done this every time they've seen her since she's been born and it leaves me feeling really anxious and wound up.

AIBU? Or hormonal?

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 28/09/2018 22:36

This is YOUR baby now OP.

YOU'RE the matriarch of your own family... she can be the matriarch of hers.

CalamityJane10 · 28/09/2018 22:36

YANBU. Breezy “time for a quiet nap now” and take her out.

When I was staying with MIL she used to walk into a room and just take my newborn out of my arms, then refuse to hand him back when he cried. Our relationship has never recovered and I still don’t know why I didn’t stand up to her. Do what is best for your baby, not your MIL.

Absofrigginlootly · 28/09/2018 22:38

When I was staying with MIL she used to walk into a room and just take my newborn out of my arms, then refuse to hand him back when he cried.

Ditto. Who the fuck do these women think they are?! Angry

strawberrypenguin · 28/09/2018 22:39

Bless you OP. Glad you got baby back from whoever had her. You need to get DH onside he shouldn't be letting his mum treat you like that.
Go home with your DD in the morning, and enjoy the day together.

Sunshinegirl82 · 28/09/2018 22:40

Well done! I know it's really hard but this is a great first step. A technique I find helpful is actually not to contradict but just say the say, non argumentative thing over and over again and then change the subject.

Something along the lines of:

"Let me have a go with baby"

"I find it works better if baby stays with me"

"Don't be ridiculous, let me hold baby!"

"I find this works best for us. How was Susan's holiday? The photos looked great"

I find this works best for us is quite useful because it's quite hard to argue against. This is all new, you'll find a rhythm that works for you. Is your DH supportive?

butlerswharf · 28/09/2018 22:40

At my inlaws I just take the baby and say she needs a feed and go to another room. (Whether she needs a feed or not)

FunSponges · 28/09/2018 22:41

God, can't you go home! You've just had a baby and should be resting. Sod MIL. Don't let her, or anyone else, take your baby.

TheFaerieQueene · 28/09/2018 22:41

Oh god. I feel for you. I still remember how much I wanted my baby with me when he was little (he is 27 y o now). How dare they take him from you. I’m so cross on your behalf.

AgentCooper · 28/09/2018 22:43

When I was staying with MIL she used to walk into a room and just take my newborn out of my arms, then refuse to hand him back when he cried

My SIL did this when DS was a few weeks old. She was walking about with him, rocking him, totally ignoring me. It was clear no amount of rocking would stop him crying, he just wanted me my boobs and I wanted to scream give me back my fucking baby!

TwoGinScentedTears · 28/09/2018 22:44

Get outta there first thing tomorrow.

View all this as a learning curve.

You did good. Baby's ok, you're ok, and tomorrow is a new day.

IABURQO · 28/09/2018 22:46

You need to be clear. Tomorrow, how about explaining to your MIL that the baby was very unsettled and you think she got overwhelmed by too many people yesterday. You want her to have enough MIL cuddles but she also needs a lot of time with mummy, so all the extra guests need to take a back seat for a while for those things to happen. If you include her in the cuddling group, she might take to the idea more readily.

readysetcake · 28/09/2018 22:46

I totally sympathise OP. I had the same from my in laws with both my DC. I’m much better at taking DC 2 back (4 months now) than I was with DC1. What annoys me is that, my FIL especially, implies that I must want a break and can’t wait to hand them over. This, even a few weeks after birth. Er my baby is 3 weeks old, how can I be fed up of him already?! Don’t disguise your desperation to hold him by saying I’m desperate to hand him over Angry. And they only do it with the baby now. My DC1 is just 3 and they couldn’t give a shit and I get the impression they just find her annoying. (Which she can be, but still!).

katmarie · 28/09/2018 22:47

YOU'RE the matriarch of your own family... she can be the matriarch of hers.

This! This is such important advice. I find that no one really begrudges a new mother a bit of possessiveness. Just smile and say, ok, I need him back now, he needs his mum and we both need our time together. And take him. Very few people will argue.

Your baby needs you to advocate for them, but you also need to advocate for yourself too. You have to have the time and peace to create a really important relationship, as well as recovering from the birth and adjusting to this new life. Three weeks is nothing, I'm 8 months after the birth of my first, and still adjusting. Family and guests can either respect that or jog on.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/09/2018 22:47

You're right I do need to grow a pair.

Maybe, but where's your DP in all of this?

This is his mother. He needs to be there, looking out for your interests. A simple 'mum, this is too much for shelbee, remember she's just given birth' ought to be possible. If he can't manage to be supportive of you, he's failing you.

katmarie · 28/09/2018 22:49

@LRDtheFeministDragon this is a very good point, your dh should be helping you here

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/09/2018 22:49

Btw, I understand why people are advising you to say the baby's overwhelmed, or risking germs, or whatever, but TBH I think it is a bit counter-productive. For one thing, it might just make your MIL decide you are hyper-protective and being silly. And for another, it implies that you don't have needs of your own.

You are three weeks post partum. You want to hold your own lovely snuggly baby and not sit around while other people pass that baby hand to hand. That's enough of a reason to say no!

Wheelerdeeler · 28/09/2018 22:53

No one should be holding the baby between feeds. My 2 boys were always put back in crib after their feeds and went to sleep. Anyone who visited hoping for a cuddle was just told simply "he's asleep".

I don't believe that babies need constant cuddling. My 1st was in neo for 7 days where we only got cuddles after day 3 and then just for feeding time. He is a great sleeper. He is also very much loved, very much cuddled. He's 10 now. He never suffered for it. I've seen friends who spend all day cuddling and are awake every night 2 years on.

Own your baby. Put her in her crib.

lborgia · 28/09/2018 22:54

my jaw dropped when you said “clearing the kitchen”. I hate to say you need to do something when you’re in the middle of such a fraught visit, but you NEED to take ownership!

If you had spent a year growing a plant from seed, fed it, watered it, repotted it (Grin), and it was now strong and flowering beautifully, and your MIL took it and said “i’m going to keep it on my window sill so all my friends can see it”....????

..no point asking where the DH is, i’m over men and their ineptitude. I know, there are good ones, but the “not all men, just most of them” is my bitter experience here.

Eatmycheese · 28/09/2018 22:55

This passive aggressive patronising possessiveness over someone else’s newborn baby makes my blood boil.

I’ve been there. Am there’s. I just smile sweetly and say, oh, ok in a little while - roughly internally translating as no fucking way mate - every time the grabby hands come out and oochy coo coo voice is put on.

If, like me you’ve endured the company of slightly older men and women all day say they need a feed and the propess of you whipping a boob out generally also does the trick of freeing you and baby.

Hope tomorrow is better and you get a day of lovely non stop new baby cuddles. So precious

Sunshinegirl82 · 28/09/2018 22:56

My DS screamed like a banshee if placed in a crib/pram/cot and refused point blank to nap anywhere but on me for 6 months! He was like it from the moment he was born! Not all babies are the same.

Trust your instincts OP, do what works best for you and your baby.

AlphaBravo · 28/09/2018 22:57

Act like a mother and tell them to fuck off OP. The baby is yours. Not a trophy. At 3 weeks old the poor sod will be stressed to hell being passed around like a lost parcel at Royal Mail.

Remember - it's YOUR baby. Not theirs.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 28/09/2018 23:03

Is your DP under the thumb too?
I would tell him tonight, that you want to go home first thing in the morning otherwise you are going to have this all weekend.

Absofrigginlootly · 28/09/2018 23:04

I don't believe that babies need constant cuddling.

Neuroscience disagrees with you

SputnikBear · 28/09/2018 23:04

How awful for the poor baby to be passed around all day. She’s not a doll! Or a toy to “have a go” with. I’m surprised she hasn’t cried the house down.

Original poster
shelbeee · 28/09/2018 23:06

So DH has been at work all day and has travelled up here and then gone to meet his mates at the pub. I don't begrudge him that, he's been hands on and brilliant whilst he's been on PL but I've had a day of MIL and then this this evening has been a bit much. Feel like I've let her and myself down and that I'm letting people walk all over me. That's really not the mother I want to be at all.

OP posts:
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