To want to hold my baby

[shelbeee]

Have name-changed for this so I don't have to censor my (prob quite over emotional) ranting..

My DD is 3 weeks old and we've come to PIL for the weekend. MiL invited 4 different groups of people over today to meet DD - the last group are still here. All day they have passed around my baby. I just had her back to feed, was just finishing and MIL is standing over me asking to 'have a turn'. She has since handed her to one of the friends' kids. I'm so desperate for them to go so I can hold my baby. I don't want to constantly feel like she's about to be taken off of me. She smells all wrong.

How do I say 'no actually' when people want to hold her?? They have done this every time they've seen her since she's been born and it leaves me feeling really anxious and wound up.

AIBU? Or hormonal?

Leave.

She’s still being passed around at 10pm?! Christ just cry in front of them, YADNBU!!!

Totally inappropriate why are people so bloody ignorant of new mums and newborn babies emotional needs?!

This is totally out of order by your PIL - yes both of them.

Time to pull up those big girl and pants, and become a tiger mum - sorry for the cliches but you get my drift.
This is Friday and sounds like you're there all weekend - so you need to say something now or your entire weekend will be like this.

I personally would pick up the baby, saunter casually over to MIL and whisper in her shell-like, smiling for the benefit of everyone else "If you pull a stunt like this ever again, it will be the last time you see your grandchild. Get this people out of here now and cancel anyone you have invited for the rest of the weekend and that includes the Queen"

You then sit down with your DH and tell him, any more visitors and you will be going home - if he doesn't want to take you and the baby, you'll be calling a taxi on his credit card.

And if anyone criticises you and so much as has a tangential mention of hormones you tell them " Too bloody right I'm hormonal. I gave birth 3 weeks ago."

YY, definitely one for your DH to handle.

When DD was tiny my MIL grabbed her out of my arms and when I went to take her back, she clung on and swung away from me. It really sticks in my mind. I had to plead with her to give the baby back. It is really out of line and the phrase 'have a go' makes it sound as if the baby is a toy.

Get your DH to tell the pil NOW that they have upset you. That taking your baby off you is inappropriate and if they don’t cut it out tomorrow you will leave.

And actually leave if they don’t!!!

Your MIL sounds mad and incredibly inconsiderate. Your baby isn’t an inanimate object like a piece of jewellery to be handed around and admired. She’s a very small human and needs to stay close to her mother.

Actually thinking about it - you shouldn't even be there. They should be visiting and caring for you in your own home.

Go home first thing in the morning. Hug your baby - this is what you should be doing now, not crying in someone else's kitchen

Get yourself a wrap carrier. If baby is tied to you, it's pretty difficult for someone to get them off you if you don't want them to

Be brave and take your baby back!

I'd say to MIL in the morning that you didn't say anything today but you're really worried about the amount of people holding your baby and it worries you about germs/viruses so you'd prefer to hold back on the visitors and passing round if it's all the same. Smile, sniff and say it's my hormones I know but I'm struggling. If she ignores you, go home!

Go get the baby, go to bed

My mil did similar crap and actually point blank refused to give DD back when she was crying for me. I said “mil hand her back now” and she looked me square in the face and said “no. I’m not handing her back.”

For many other reasons (mainly that she is an abusive fuckwit) but we are now NC. Her total disregard for me during the early postnatal days were just symptomatic if her total lack of respect for me.

Can I please say this in the gentlest way..I did this, I allowed everyone else to enjoy my baby and quietly seethed inside wanting to grow the balls to tell everyone to just fuck off!
My H knew how I felt and he sat back proudly allowing our ds to be passed around like a doll.
My child is now 10!! And I still cannot look back at that time without feeling cross and let down and regret that I didn’t be more assertive.
You are the Mum, that baby is yours and if you want to take her back please do it and fuck what everyone else thinks of you for putting yourself first xx

Just keep saying "no thanks".

Print this off and leave it on the coffee table

Oh op

There's no need to cry, it's simple, don't overthink this. All you need to do is walk in the room right now, take the baby off whoever is holding her, and say she's staying with you from now on as she's been passed around all day and enough is enough.

You can do this - you're her mum.

And definitely get a sling!!

Hope you're with your baby now having a lovely, long cuddle.

It's 10pm and you had a baby 3 weeks ago! You must be exhausted! MIL won't be up in the night every two hours to feed, they're incredibly selfish keeping you all up like this. Say you're exhausted and you and baby need to go to bed. Take baby upstairs. Have a long lie in tomorrow (keeping baby with you) and tell your DH how you feel, get him to speak up. Can you Amazon prime a stretchy wrap? Keep baby strapped to you as much as possible.

I hated anyone else holding DS, it was almost primal in how it made me feel, your baby, your rules!

Agree with this - baby in a sling (if you have one)! Then just say no she’s comfortable at the moment I don’t want to disturb her - I’m sure even your mil won’t try to take her out !
I’ve been there - I hate the “can I have a go” request. She’s not a toy. I found it hard to be assertive in those initial weeks post birth, so if it’s hard you could say that today was too much and you are struggling with milk supply and need time to feed quietly.

My mil did similar crap and actually point blank refused to give DD back when she was crying for me. I said “mil hand her back now” and she looked me square in the face and said “no. I’m not handing her back.”

I flat out would have punched her. Seriously. My primal instinct with DS2 was something I could never have fathomed with DS1. I was totally laid back with DS1 and was happy to hand him about, but DS2 nearly died in utero (I heard his heart stop beating) and the instinct I had to protect him and not be anywhere without him shocked me.

One of my closest friends was holding him the day we came home, I was quite happy with that, was not bothered about me not holding him, but I physically couldn't leave the room without him. And when she left, he smelt of her perfume and I had to go and shower with him to make him smell like him again. Strong stuff, maternal hormones!!

Go in there, demand your baby back and then go and retreat to your bed and hold your face to hers. Tomorrow get a sling and put her in it and refuse to let anyone other than her dad hold her.

Fucking pisstakers.

My mil did similar crap and actually point blank refused to give DD back when she was crying for me.

That would have made me feel very panicky. And if I'm holding a baby the first thing I want to do is give him/her back to mum or dad! Why wouldn't you?

Years ago, before vaccines, mothers kept their babies away from lots people because of diseases. About 30 years ago I was in a store and I heard this very elderly woman scolding a young mum who had her newborn shopping with her for having the baby out and around people.

Maybe you could tell them the baby hasn't had her vaccinations yet and not hand her over.

I used to tell people that when people make a move to take my baby I bite out of instinct. It worked.

• holding a crying baby

Me and baby are now upstairs. Guests are still here but I'm not going back down.

You're right I do need to grow a pair. I lack confidence around MIL and sit there seething. She's the matriarch and it's so hard to contradict her.

Guests are still there at 10.30 when hey know there’s a newborn baby and postnatal mother in the house? Seriously, just go home.

OP you are going to have to stand up to MIL eventually, it’s your job as your baby’s mother to be their advocate.

The alternative is letting MIL do whatever she wants to/with your child and as your child grows up, seeing this play out. It will comepletelt undermine your authority int he eyes of your child.

Not healthy dynamics at all.

Speak to your DH and agree a plan going forward.