To want to hold my baby

[shelbeee]

Have name-changed for this so I don't have to censor my (prob quite over emotional) ranting..

My DD is 3 weeks old and we've come to PIL for the weekend. MiL invited 4 different groups of people over today to meet DD - the last group are still here. All day they have passed around my baby. I just had her back to feed, was just finishing and MIL is standing over me asking to 'have a turn'. She has since handed her to one of the friends' kids. I'm so desperate for them to go so I can hold my baby. I don't want to constantly feel like she's about to be taken off of me. She smells all wrong.

How do I say 'no actually' when people want to hold her?? They have done this every time they've seen her since she's been born and it leaves me feeling really anxious and wound up.

AIBU? Or hormonal?

Crikey
You will have to be more firm today. People coming to coo over baby in the sling, your arms or the pram, fine. Not pass the parcel.

I went to a funeral when dd was a few weeks older than your dd. I was fine with 1.5 hours of passing dd around but much longer or any crying would have been excruciating. Dd was handed back to me as soon as I asked. That’s how other people should respond.

I’m glad you’re now getting a game plan together. You really shouldn’t need one but some people can be such arses.

@Wheelerdealer
What utter crap and how judgmental of other parents. Some babies won’t stop crying if put down. Parents respond to their babies needs, not shove them in the cot the moment they’ve finished feeding regardless of how they feel.

Haven't RTFT but first impression is hormonal? Yes. Unreasonable? Not at all.

I had this when my eldest was about the same age, pissed me off no end that no-one checked with me when it came to passing the baby. When I'd had enough I stood in front of the person holding her and said meekly "can I have my baby back now please" I think it effectively guilted everyone in the room into leaving us alone after that. The distantly related cousin gave DD back immediately btw

Can’t believe all these people refusing to give back a crying baby. When I’m holding someone’s baby and it starts crying, I can’t pass them back to mum quickly enough! Babies need their mums. Who on earth are these awful people?!

How do I say 'no actually' when people want to hold her?? They have done this every time they've seen her since she's been born and it leaves me feeling really anxious and wound up

Now you know what they are like so don’t put your self in this situation again.

1. Have them visit baby at your house, don’t go to theirs .

1. Don’t have them visit when your DH isn’t there ( at work or pub). It’s not fair to either DH or you PIL to deprive them of each other’s company, they are his parents not yours.

1. Agree a plan of action with you Dh and make sure he sticks to it. He needs to say things like “ mum, leave baby in his carry cot, he’s settled now”. “ he’s had enough of being passed around, he needs to settle with his mum “ etc etc .

1. Start as you mean to on. Your husband has to decide NOW that you and baby are his top priority , not keeping his parents happy. Of course, In an ideal world he could do both, but many controlling mothers will try to make their sons choose a side. He needs to show that there’s NO CHOICE and he will always put his son and wife first.

Otherwise you are in for years of trouble . Let this be a line in the sand. It’s a small thing to an outsider but it’s big to you so IT MATTERS.

Babies in neo which to be fair are the experts are not handled very much. That is a fact. They are wrapped up snug and cuddled/skin to skin at feeding time. I followed that with my 2 boys and both of them were very placid babies. One is now 10. He hasn't suffered from not being cuddled 24/7 and 1 is 18months. He's not showing any emotional disress either. Both are great sleepers.

All the studies in the world can say differently but I know what worked in our house. Visitors got cuddles if the baby was awake.

Now I just go as the 18 month old has just hit his older brother (tips for dealing with a rogue toddler welcome)

I remember those times - the entire family coming down after the birth of each of my children, all of them posing for a photo with my newborn, not one of them taking a photo of me and the baby. You feel like a brood mare who has done their job in providing another member of their family - it still makes me when I think about it, and my dc are all at secondary school.

Can’t believe all these people refusing to give back a crying baby. When I’m holding someone’s baby and it starts crying, I can’t pass them back to mum quickly enough! Babies need their mums. Who on earth are these awful people?!

Some people just need to be the doer, the centre of attention all the time. I wonder how they managed through their own children's childhood because the time when you have to do everything for your kids is so incredibly short, and the time where you have to sit on your hands and let them try for themselves and only give help when it's asked for is so incredibly long.

Some people just need to be the doer, the centre of attention all the time. I wonder how they managed through their own children's childhood because the time when you have to do everything for your kids is so incredibly short, and the time where you have to sit on your hands and let them try for themselves and only give help when it's asked for is so incredibly long

They don’t manage to stop it. They never reach that stage of sitting on their hands. They end up destroying their children’s marriages because they won’t Butt out.

Or their adult children go NC because they can’t cope with being criticised, controlled and manipulated all the time.

Then these parents come onto MN or gransnet and bleat about how their selfish children don’t appreciate them. Or how their evil DIL has tuned their precious son against them.

All because they never learned to stop trying to control others.

Wheelerdealer
What you’re saying now is very different. I get neonates shouldn’t be handled much. But that doesn’t translate to every baby. And even if a baby settled well as a newbie or even at 12 months, it doesn’t mean they will as an older child.

In future OP here are some lines I use to make it clear it isn’t a ‘go’ to hold the baby;

“We has a really bad night and she’s been crying a lot, I really don’t want to unsettle her again, sorry.”

“I think she’s under the weather / coming down with something as she isn’t herself so I think it’s best not to today”

“I’ve literally just got her settled,sorry”.

I just said no, a lot, because the early bonding between parents & child is crucial and it IS unsettling for a child to be passed around from pillar to post. It may not seem like it at the actual time but if you subsequently have a dreadful evening or night you’ll notice.

Also pisses me off in that nobody tends to give a shit once they’re 3 and have opinions Nobody is so keen to help then!

Well in the neonatal unit they are often looking after sick babies so they have to be very wary of infection control/risk of illness.

However there is a whole host of scientific literature about the importance of touch and holding in neonates and how it improves developmental and health outcomes.

Google kangaroo care. Neonatal units should be encouraging materna contact with baby as much as possible for best practice

OMG this gives me the rage on your behalf.

To be fair though I am guilty of doing similar before I had my own baby .

When I had my own I literally could not cope with visitors holding him or passing him around. I felt so anxious and on edge and just wanted my baby back.

Now if I go to visit someone's new baby I wouldn't dream of asking to hold the baby. If they pass me the baby I hold it for a minute and then give it back to mum.

Maternal instinct and hormones are so powerful.

So...your MIL should really understand. I don't know how these women forget what it is like! I suspect they just don't give a rats arse as their own needs come first

If I have another baby I will be taking no shit from anyone and I couldn't care less who I offend. It is your baby. I know it is hard but you need to start setting some boundaries now.

Example

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4702019/

discover.dc.nihr.ac.uk/content/signal-000202/kangaroo-mother-care-may-boost-the-survival-of-newborn-premature-babies

@sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch I think we're all guilty of it at some point!

Before I had DD I had my moments. It's odd as once you have one, you just suddenly see how you were and think "wow I was stupid'l

I once almost fell out with very good friend because she held my 9mo DC and he came back stinking of her perfume.

I honestly could have ripped her head off. We laugh about it now.

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone I cringe now when I think of it . I'm ashamed to
admit I also visited new babies when they were just a few days old AND didn't bring food AND sat for ages AND let the new parents make me tea. Feel like apologising to every person I did this too.

I never feel mad at people who have no children who have did this to me. I feel so annoyed at people who really should know better!!

I was just going to suggest a sling so I’m glad you’ve got one. I kept mine in when we were anywhere with that sort of situation. No passing around :) Congratulations!

I once almost fell out with very good friend because she held my 9mo DC and he came back stinking of her perfume.

I honestly could have ripped her head off

Unless she sprayed him with her perfume this seems a bit of an extreme reaction. Assuming you allowed her to hold your 9mo.

Yanbu

This always bothered me. Hate seeing a baby being passed round a room of people like a doobie at an after party. Ditto for when people take really young babies into their workplace to pass round all their cold ridden colleagues

HelloSnow My DD was a day old and DM's friend walked in wreaking of a really bad 90s perfume, she held the baby for only a little bit.
But after she left we could not get rid of the smell. Baby and clothes stunk to high heaven.

There was no fall out but a bit of a 'who does that?' moment

How’d it go today OP? Did you speak to your DH? Did you go back to PIL house or go straight home??

Had a word with DH he said his mum just 'gets excited' and I said I get that but she's showing DD off like a trophy at our expense - I had a terrible night with her being v unsettled which I'm sure is partly because she was passed around all day yday. Anyway he says he'll be more supportive etc.

MIL picked up on the vibes this morning and initially seemed a bit contrite but kept walking away with the baby whilst I was literally standing in front of her with my arms out as we were leaving. In the end I slid my arms between her and DD and sort of just took her.