To want to hold my baby

[shelbeee]

Have name-changed for this so I don't have to censor my (prob quite over emotional) ranting..

My DD is 3 weeks old and we've come to PIL for the weekend. MiL invited 4 different groups of people over today to meet DD - the last group are still here. All day they have passed around my baby. I just had her back to feed, was just finishing and MIL is standing over me asking to 'have a turn'. She has since handed her to one of the friends' kids. I'm so desperate for them to go so I can hold my baby. I don't want to constantly feel like she's about to be taken off of me. She smells all wrong.

How do I say 'no actually' when people want to hold her?? They have done this every time they've seen her since she's been born and it leaves me feeling really anxious and wound up.

AIBU? Or hormonal?

www.sciencealert.com/cuddling-babies-alters-genetics-dna-for-years

By her I mean DD, not MIL

OP. Chalk it up to experience. Learn from it. Your DD won’t remember and Yvan hold onto these feelings to give you courage to your conviction going forwards.

Now get some sleep!!!

*you can

You really do need to grow a pair now just for your daughters sake.
I wouldn't go to visit your in laws without your DH tbh so he can deal with it.
I just say no, she's not being passed around to strangers. If your mil gets offended then say they ARE strangers to you and your DD and it's YOUR DD, your rules.

Wheeler deeler really?
That is just such ridiculous advice! Babies need to be held.

OP with 1st baby I didn’t like to ask for baby back, 2nd baby I just take back. Maternal instinct is very strong and you are well within your rights to act on it.

Agree, Jupiter15. Though by Baby 4, you're desperate for anyone to take them. In fact, you'd be paying good money for a MIL and all stray relative who were willing to do the holding, on the grounds that as long as someone's cuddling the baby, they will be fine.

Being a parent is a massive learning curve, a lot of the time you're going to have to make the choice over spending energy on beating yourself up over something, or spending it on figuring out how to do better next time, cos you just don't have the energy for both. It's really not worth beating yourself up over, trust me.

You haven't let her down, you are doing your best. You have her interests at heart. Tomorrow is another day, and an opportunity to enlist your dh to set some realistic boundaries, spend some quality time with your baby and your extended family, and to get closer to that mythical balance we're all looking for. In the meantime enjoy your peace and snuggles.

Can you feel unwell and cut the visit a day short?
Feel for you.

YANBU when mine was 5 weeks I threw a party, it was only about three hours of pass the baby but I found it so hard! The next day I vowed to cuddle him all day and not let go!

Oh love. I bet you’re feeling all sorts of conflicted and awful and I just want to say to you FUCK IT. It’s not about growing a pair or anything else. Literally the only people that matter in this situation are you and your baby. I see you’ve retrieved her and gone to bed, whatever you do don’t hand her over tomorrow. Brief cuddle for in laws, then “I’m going to keep hold of her today because I’m worried she’s coming down with something”. Then, at 3 weeks post birth, just bloody well do whatever you need to do. You’re as important now as your lovely baby and you deserve recovery and bonding time. congratulations on your squishy newborn

Smile sweetly and say "She's not a pass the parcel. She's fine with me just now." We teach others how to treat us OP so you need to be firm but pleasant with people. Nobody would have even tried to remove my babies from me. I hope you live a good distance from the inlaws - mil sounds very overbearing. I hope the rest of your weekend improves.

DS is 14 weeks & i still don't like him being passed about. At 3 weeks be was attached to me. There literally is nothing for it except to say NO you cannot hold my baby. I hate getting DS back & he smells of someone else!!!

shelby I so feel for you, I remember similar situations, and uncertainty, and guilt (with my first, I honestly didn't worry about any of it so much with the second). Three weeks is still shell-shock territory!

Be gentle with yourself, everything is fine. You are perfectly okay to take your baby back off anyone who's got her, say she's unsettled or it's time for a feed/nap. It's not the end of the world that she's been cuddled today, just unpleasant for you because your instincts are all setting off alarm bells - totally natural.

I also seem to remember my partner saying 'no perfume or aftershave' when the baby was tiny. HATED a baby smelling of all that stuff.

Enjoy your snuggles. Take care. x

Aww I really feel for you, I’m 30 weeks pregnant and want alone time with my baby in my birth plan, don’t want anyone but me really holding her much. I’m so stressed about idea when she’s born someone else will want to hold her ie her dad his mum even my friends or parents. I’m not with the dad and it’s so tricky as I have no feelings for him but so many for her. I do deeply wish she was just mine. :/ hormones and different feelings are very hard to process.

If she smells wrong to you imagine what they smell like to her. It's a lot for a small baby its probably like being on a stormy ship to her
She needs to know you are in command of her needs at this age it's a feeling.

She's a newborn not a Quality Street tin. 🤨

Completely rude of them, that's far too overwhelming for such a little baby too.

Personally I was never overly bothered about family holding our daughter when she was first born, but they didn't pass her around like a share size bag of wine gums either.

Oh OP I feel your pain.

My DS is 7weeks and my in laws are the same. They still pass him to and fro now and I even asked for him back the other day and MIL said no to me but happily handed him back to his daddy 😢

My DH’s sister and Dad practically fight over him and we bearly get him out the car before he’s snatched from us. I’ve told my DH he needs to have a quiet word before I snap. I get so tense when visiting.

Your not alone and not being unreasonable. I so wish I’d put my foot down sooner!

tweetypie snap!! What’s the worst that could happen?!
Seriously why care so much about offending people who clearly give zero fucks about your emotional needs! Stop worrying about being “nice” and “fair” and tell them NO. If they don’t respect your boundaries and your baby’s emotional needs then don’t visit. Tell them why!!

Feel annoyed with myself for not being firm but I find it really difficult to say no when she's standing over me with her arms out. We've come up today because we're at a wedding tomorrow (I am going to put baby in a sling) and then coming back here on way home on Sunday. Things will be different. I am going to have to have a word with DH in the morning.

Thanks all you stopped me completely dissolving this evening.

Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting to hold your baby. I’m the least sentimental, maternal person around and I felt exactly the same way you did. Cuddle that baby! Soon she will be too big for you to sit cuddling her for hours. Those early days are so precious.

Glad you’ve got a sling OP. Hopefully the wedding guests will be more respectful.
If possible, I would go straight home after the wedding.
Say DD is exhausted and only tell them when you get home.
It’s nots worth the stress. At 3 weeks old, she doesn’t even know she is a separate person to you....

@shelbeee sometimes it's so hard to say no. When I first had DD, people (especially MIL) would just grab her from me or stand over me until I offered. It was horrible. Took me a few months to build the courage to say no.

Sling is a great idea.