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AIBU?

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Original poster

Social worker says my niece should sleep in bed with me if my partner is in the bed

195 replies

newmummy0094 · 28/09/2018 18:25

I've posted questions on here quite a lot recently about my niece. For those who haven't seen them last week my sister had a breakdown and me and my partner have taken her in. This isn't the first time this has happened but it now seems more permanent. My sister suffers from PND which is where this came from. My niece also lived with us for nearly a year when she was two. She is four now.

So me and my partner had a meeting with our new social worker today. Everything went great apart from one thing. She was asking how my niece is coping. So I said she is doing well apart from at night. At night she gets very bad separation anxiety. I think this is because my sister had her breakdown at night. My niece was in her bedroom terrified. Then a stranger took her away to the police station. She then sat there for hours alone with strangers.
Anyway I said to the social worker that she was sleeping in bed with us (me and my partner.) the social work seemed to sit up and listen at this point. She then asked if I was always in bed when my niece and partner in bed together. I said usually but obviously not always. She seemed to go really funny then.
At one point my partner went out of the room to make us another cup of tea. When he did the social work whispered to me 'you really shouldn't allow your niece and partner in bed together'
I was a bit shocked as I've never seen anything wrong with it.
We may be adopting my niece and if we were her actual parents there wouldn't be a problem.
Am I really being unreasonable to have her in bed with us?
What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
newmummy0094 · 28/09/2018 18:25

The title should say shouldn't

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 28/09/2018 18:29

For your partner's sake I'd stick with what the SW has suggested, just for now, if you end up adopting her she's then your child and you can do as you please, but at the moment she's a very vulnerable young girl and the social worker is right to be cautious to the extreme. I'm not implying anything negative about your partner, but the SW doesn't know him and could you imagine if in a similar situation the very people caretaking her in her time of need subject her to further trauma, unfortunately I've seen it more often than I would care to in my line of work.

Poodletip · 28/09/2018 18:29

I totally get where you are coming from but I think if you want to adopt her then you need to play the game. If you've been told not to do it then don't. It's not worth putting everything in jeopardy for.

Creeper8 · 28/09/2018 18:32

my mum was told not to sleep in bed with my brother by ss. no abuse but he was a a teen and kept running away so they got involved.

HellenaHandbasket · 28/09/2018 18:32

Totally get where she is coming from, I'm amazed you're surprised tbh.

troodiedoo · 28/09/2018 18:32

I agree. sw are just doing their job, don't take it personally.

BlueJava · 28/09/2018 18:34

Personally I don't think you are doing anything wrong if your neice is in bed and your partner is there (I assume he's a man not that it matters). However, I would go along with the social worker - yes of course I'm always there. Having had contact with social workers when I was small I think they see a lot of problems that don't exist and some of them have zero idea. I once told mine that "I played with granded in bed" this turned into a ridiculous hunt for the wicked grandfather - whereas in fact I had had a game by jumping on granny and grandad in bed.Being about 5 I was completely innocent and had no idea that "play" may be taken another way.

For the purposes of the social worker my neice would be caliming down a lot and settling much better now... although in reality this may take years. Sorry if others disagree with my stance, perhaps I was unlucky and had back experiences.

Missingstreetlife · 28/09/2018 18:34

It's not really appropriate for men to sleep with little girls. It may be harmless but they have to think safeguarding. Your partner should cover his own back too. Shame but that's how it is

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2018 18:34

Having this vulnerable little girl share a bed with you and your partner is a terrible idea. Please listen to the social worker.

Elephantinacravat · 28/09/2018 18:36

It's nothing personal, it's safeguarding. Please listen to the social worker on this one for everyone's sake.

Mindchilder · 28/09/2018 18:36

Sensible for you to all maintain safe boundaries especially as your niece is very vulnerable at the moment.

Ginger1982 · 28/09/2018 18:37

I think you just need to play the game here no matter how eye rolling stupid it seems.

Aprilislonggone · 28/09/2018 18:37

My dh sleeps naked, my dd's have never slept in our bed (not their df), he isn't fit for small eyes first thing iyswim! Blush

Themidnightcircus · 28/09/2018 18:38

I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing a bed but I'd be keeping it quiet.

Allthewaves · 28/09/2018 18:38

Could u set up a bed right next to yours on your side of the bed so can roll over and cuddle her but still in her own bit of bed iykwim

Allthewaves · 28/09/2018 18:39

Its all about playing game by sw rules

Elephantinacravat · 28/09/2018 18:42

I don't think there's anything wrong with sharing a bed but I'd be keeping it quiet.

This is a vulnerable child who is not the OPs partners daughter. No one should be 'keeping it quiet'. 'Keeping it quiet' is not what safeguarding is about.

Disclaimer to say no one is casting aspersions on the OPs partner here. Safeguarding rules are not personal but are there for a reason.

AuntBeastie · 28/09/2018 18:42

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. The social worker is just coming at it from a different scenario where she has to imagine the worst and prevent it. I would follow the letter of the law at the moment, it will make your life easier.

abbsisspartacus · 28/09/2018 18:47

Can you share with your niece instead? Puts a total boundary in place and they cannot cast aspersions then

abbsisspartacus · 28/09/2018 18:48

Plus try a weighted blanket maybe? Give her more comfort while she sleeps

marvellousnightforamooncup · 28/09/2018 18:48

Is there room for a camp bed in your room for her?

ApolloandDaphne · 28/09/2018 18:50

As a social worker I can tell you she isn't saying she thinks your DP poses a huge risk to your niece. She is just safeguarding a vulnerable and confused child. I would do as she says for the moment.

Teacherlikemisstrunchball · 28/09/2018 18:50

Children are statistically most at risk from people that they know within their family unit abusing them. Do not hide anything from your social worker but Protect your partner and your niece by following her advice.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 28/09/2018 18:51

Maybe getting an intercom or two way baby monitor might make her feel safer in her room so she knows she can talk to you from her bed. You could also get her a new teddy or let her choose a new bedding set so she's excited to go to bed.

Strongmummy · 28/09/2018 18:52

I totally agree it’s ridiculous , but just play the game OP. Having been through the adoption process myself you need to bite your tongue ALOT to keep social workers happy

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