Social worker says my niece should sleep in bed with me if my partner is in the bed

[newmummy0094]

I've posted questions on here quite a lot recently about my niece. For those who haven't seen them last week my sister had a breakdown and me and my partner have taken her in. This isn't the first time this has happened but it now seems more permanent. My sister suffers from PND which is where this came from. My niece also lived with us for nearly a year when she was two. She is four now.

So me and my partner had a meeting with our new social worker today. Everything went great apart from one thing. She was asking how my niece is coping. So I said she is doing well apart from at night. At night she gets very bad separation anxiety. I think this is because my sister had her breakdown at night. My niece was in her bedroom terrified. Then a stranger took her away to the police station. She then sat there for hours alone with strangers.
Anyway I said to the social worker that she was sleeping in bed with us (me and my partner.) the social work seemed to sit up and listen at this point. She then asked if I was always in bed when my niece and partner in bed together. I said usually but obviously not always. She seemed to go really funny then.
At one point my partner went out of the room to make us another cup of tea. When he did the social work whispered to me 'you really shouldn't allow your niece and partner in bed together'
I was a bit shocked as I've never seen anything wrong with it.
We may be adopting my niece and if we were her actual parents there wouldn't be a problem.
Am I really being unreasonable to have her in bed with us?
What would you do?

”The sw is very young and in my opinion inexperienced.”

I’ve come across many young and inexperienced social workers. I’d report anything like ‘whispering’ straight to a manager.

^^ ignore my bad grammar. Basically, I’m saying this would need to be reported.

@jellycatspyjamas I didn't mean to suggest they were the childs parents just used that to refer to the Op and her partner. I think we're on the same page that however well intentioned the 'treat them as my own' message (which is what I'd want any foster carer to do), there are some differences between caring for your own child and caring for a child who joins your family.

@Usernobody
Adoption was on the cards last time and the sw brought it up this time. The amount of times stuff like this has happened ss don't think my sister will ever be a capable mother again.

The sw is very young and in my opinion inexperienced.

And yet you’d take her word about potential adoption - a very complex and legally demanding process - while questioning her very sensible concern about a child sharing their carers bed?

I’ve not followed your other threads so didn’t realise you’re also pregnant, which makes the potential for adopting either or both child much more complex. I’m surprised that any social worker would be suggesting it’s a fait accompli at this point in time.

@FissionChips
This is exactly what happened. I was shocked at the time as I thought she would have just come out and said it. I also wonder if she would have said anything at all if he has never left the room.

Where is the child’s father in all this?

@fissionchips Rtft, bit of of order to quiz the Op about her understanding when you cba to read where she's explained all this before.

Are you going through the assessment process then OP? Why adoption and not an SGO which is usually what is preferred when a member of the family takes on a child?

@RedOrBeDead
Because she can't sleep alone and if I'm not there and my partner doesn't sleep with her then she will just cry all night.

What support is this poor little girl getting? It’s all very new. You’re talking adoption of her and her unborn sibling but it’s been 10 days and the focus needs to also be on her wellbeing.

Rtft, bit of of order to quiz the Op about her understanding when you cba to read where she's explained all this before

I might have missed it, but the only comment I can see about the child’s father is “he’s a bit useless” ...

Have I missed a comment?

@53rdWay
We are not adopting her yet. The sw was talking long term as it doesn't look like my sister will be able to look after her. It's the same for the baby. My sister has decided she wants to give birth to the child but doesn't want to bring it up.
My sister has repeatedly had breakdowns since my niece was one year old. Her dad isn't interested and doesn't want to look after her.

@newmummy0094 who has parental responsibility for your niece?

Have you been to court yet? I'm sorry but I am struggling to understand how adoption is being spoken about at this time. Your sister will have to be assessed and deemed unfit to care for her dc and this takes a long time, only after her assessment would alternative care be looked at for the dc. You would have to go through a rigorous assessment yourself to see if you're suitable.

Something doesn't add up here OP.

If my dc..when they were young..were staying at their aunties house l would not have wanted her to bring them into bed with her dh if they were upset. I also would never do it with my dns. Or now my gd. I think you have to be seen to be above reproach. How much more does this apply to a vunerable child who is going through a truamatic time.
I would fully expect the social worker not to be happy.

@SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning
She has known she is pregnant for a few weeks.

We will be looking after the baby when it is born to begin with. Not adopting it straight away. If she still isn't in a fit state we will adopt it. At the moment she is adamant she doesn't want to care for either my niece or my new baby.

Have you been to court and been given parental control OP?

If she’s only just pregnant it’s very early to be looking at permanence planning - even if your sister does relinquish her baby, there’s a process to go through which also includes time for her to change her mind.

Btw we would be adopting her together so we would both be primary carers.

Sorry, it doesn't work like this. Either in legal terms (only one of you gets to claim adoption leave, for example) but also emotionally. I know the situation is somewhat different than a child being placed with two adoptive parents who are both strangers, but one of the few things that all adoption advice agrees on is that a traumatised child needs to focus on building one secure relationship at a time, often through "funnelling" and other techniques to develop and secure the attachment. Then, once one relationship is established, others can be introduced, but doing more than one at a time is likely to be traumatic for the child involved.

Anyway, I second (third?) the suggestion to pop over to the adoption board sometime (it's under "Becoming a Parent" on the Talk topics list). There are lots of experienced adopters there, including those with experience of kinship adoption and SGOs

The Op is doing this for a second time, has previously been assessed and approved as a carer and cared for the child for a year. The girls parents would have been assessed at that time and certainly before the child was rehabbed back to her mums care. If the situation has broken down again the processes don't start from scratch, the assessments are updated and previous history is taken into account to prevent delay for the children. From what the Op has said it's not unreasonable to think children's services are looking at permanence (though that may mean SGO not necessarily adoption)

@GreatDuckCookery
We are not definitely adopting her we haven't even started the process. My sister has been sectioned for the second time.

So there's no court order in place? You don't have PR? And the SW is talking about adoption

@Jellycatspyjamas
She is three months pregnant. I know there is still a lot of time for my sister to change her mind.
We are going to look after the baby when it is born if my sister isn't capable. If she still doesn't want it then we will start the adoption process.

So adoption not special guardianship that’s unusual isn’t it op.