Social worker says my niece should sleep in bed with me if my partner is in the bed

[newmummy0094]

I've posted questions on here quite a lot recently about my niece. For those who haven't seen them last week my sister had a breakdown and me and my partner have taken her in. This isn't the first time this has happened but it now seems more permanent. My sister suffers from PND which is where this came from. My niece also lived with us for nearly a year when she was two. She is four now.

So me and my partner had a meeting with our new social worker today. Everything went great apart from one thing. She was asking how my niece is coping. So I said she is doing well apart from at night. At night she gets very bad separation anxiety. I think this is because my sister had her breakdown at night. My niece was in her bedroom terrified. Then a stranger took her away to the police station. She then sat there for hours alone with strangers.
Anyway I said to the social worker that she was sleeping in bed with us (me and my partner.) the social work seemed to sit up and listen at this point. She then asked if I was always in bed when my niece and partner in bed together. I said usually but obviously not always. She seemed to go really funny then.
At one point my partner went out of the room to make us another cup of tea. When he did the social work whispered to me 'you really shouldn't allow your niece and partner in bed together'
I was a bit shocked as I've never seen anything wrong with it.
We may be adopting my niece and if we were her actual parents there wouldn't be a problem.
Am I really being unreasonable to have her in bed with us?
What would you do?

They are really funny about it. I grew up in care and the staff weren’t even allowed to hug us if we were upset. They deal with a lot of kids who are sexually abused and don’t see things the way normal people do. Is a sad world we live in where a 4 year old is seen as a potential SA victim 😞

It's not inappropriate but you are looking after a vunerable little one so the SW will be very protective and have various boundaries, guidelines and also regulations that she/he has to follow. I can understand why this would be a red flag to them. In this instance I would just do as they say and follow the 'rules' so that you can get custody of your niece if you need it in the future. If you don't you may scuper this and this could hurt your niece in the long run. It's a bit rubbish but not that hard to abide by really. Perhaps buy a camp bed to go next to your side of the bed?

It's not really appropriate for men to sleep with little girls

Wtf? That's incredibly insulting to my DH and our DDs who love sharing the bed with us in the morning, all snuggling together.

OP, I see both sides. Like PP have said it's nothing personal, just the SW ticking boxes. Once she is adopted and yours, it won't - or shouldn't - be a problem, but for now just play their game.

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. The social worker is just coming at it from a different scenario where she has to imagine the worst and prevent it.

This.

Follow what the SWs say.
It is for your protection.
If your niece turns out to be a troubled soul due to her previous homelife, or if either of her parents decide to cause trouble, then sleeping in same bed as your partner could be accused as being something sinister.

When we adopted, our DD1 couldn't get into bed with us for the same reason.

It sounds like a load of bollocks but I suppose you're stuck jumping through SWs hoops. Or just don't tell them things you don't need to. It's such a stupid attitude to take - I can't even fathom it is 'safeguarding'. It's just prejudice and disgusting views of males.

What @TeenTimesTwo says.

Sad state of affairs but safest option to protect you and your BF, too.

I can understand why the social worker would not recommend this, she is there to protect your niece, that is her sole job she is not there to protect yours or dp's feelings.

Follow the ss advice to the letter or you could run into more problems.

Is it possible for you to sleep on a camp bed in her room right next to her? Just until she is asleep? If she wakes up you might have to go back in, but hopefully she will sleep through. She needs a lot of reassurance at night, it is totally understandable.

Also a night light would help, and make her room as cosy and warm as possible. It would be good to read her a story and sing her the same little song each night, reassuring that all is well and all the animals are sleeping soundly etc etc. Lying with her or next to her until she drops off to sleep is a better habit than her sleeping with you anyway in the long run.

I am sorry this so traumatic for you and for her. The ss are on your side though, so try to trust them as much as possible.

We may be adopting my niece and if we were her actual parents there wouldn't be a problem

You are not her parents though and the child is vulnerable.

You are getting ahead of yourselves in talking of adoption. Her parents are still on the scene , although circumstances dictate she is unable to remain at home for the time being. Try to keep her settled in her own bed, you won't be able to share easily once your own baby is here and ss have the power at the moment. Boundaries are very important.

Until you do adopt her you have to expect a lot of intrusion from social services. I've seen your other threads and I know you absolutely have you neice' s best interests at heart. But you do have to play the game with social services. Until you formally adopt I'd make sure only you share a bed with her.

That sounds ridiculous, I know they have to protect her, but I'd feel offended for my partner if someone thought that about him. You'll have to follow the rules though; just make sure you're always there. This must all be so hard for you while you're heavily pregnant, but you're doing the right thing for this little girl, thank you for being there for her when she needs you.

I think it's ridiculous what their saying. With how much you've previously had your niece she must see him as an almost father figure! It's lovely that your all treating her as your own. It's really sad tbh

In the short-term, I think a better solution would be for you to sleep in your DN's room with her, rather than she share a bed with you and your partner. If this isn't possible, then your DP may have to relocate to the sofa/spare room for a bit. It may not be ideal, but it's easy to see why social services might view sharing a bed with an unrelated adult male as a potential safeguarding issue.

I'm surprised at many of these replies. When I read the title I thought, 'Duh!'. But then many women do put a surprising amount of faith in men, especially new partners (i.e. not the child's biological parent). Father figure sexual abuse is not that uncommon.

I'm surprised your surprised tbh.

oh OP I had read your threads and you seem like an amazing sister who wants to do the best for her and her children but you sound out of your depth.

You are right if you were her parents it wouldnt matter but you are not her parents and she is a vulnerable child and from what you have said about her Dad he is not a pleasant man so you need to tread carefully

I know this is off topic it’s just I am surprised by this. I wouldn’t think anything of bringing a small related child into bed with both me and DP if they were distressed.

What would SS suggest if The DP was her uncle and OP her not related aunt?

Is it just because he’s male or because he’s not related?

Are you fostering her/being assessed as a foster carer for her while you await an adoption arrangement? There should be a safer caring policy available for you to look at, which is there to safeguard both the child and also you.

She is vulnerable, and she may have had bad experiences you don't yet know about, sometimes disclosures can happen in strange ways with young children, and sometimes they can allege something happened 'last night' when it was in fact a long time ago. If she were to allege some inappropriate behaviour that happened 'last night' when it was really a year ago (or whatever) then having a safer caring policy in place would give the social worker some reassurance when it came to investigating the allegations made.

I hope that makes sense, I fully support that it's a different level of scrutiny when it's not your own child, and you're doing an amazing thing in caring for your niece.

For his protection it would be better that you are always there - an innocent comment could be misconstrued, and although hopefully innocence would be proven there will always be finger-pointing busybodies who would say no smoke without fire etc. It's sad to say but old fashioned sexism prevails. Although there are many female abusers, the safest way is that children are only alone in vulnerable positions (e.g. in bed) with adults/teens of the same sex.
DH often gives DD2's friends lifts home, but he always makes sure that DD is in the car as well. He just feels uncomfortable being alone with teenage girls in case someone got the wrong idea or said something because they'd had a fall out with DD just to make trouble. That was advice from a teacher friend who did the same with his kids.

wrenika you really have no clue what you are talking about.

The social worker is doing her job.

Agree with others that you need to go along with this even though it's insulting towards your partner. Maybe you could sleep with your DN in her room?

Totally get why you are cosleeping. It’s an excellent way to provide a child with more security when they are anxious and traumatised. I would absolutely do this with my niece in the same circumstances.

However...it seems like you and your partner are the best thing for her right now, and maybe in the long term also. So it’s best not to jeopardise your chances of adopting her and giving her a stable family home. So you need to play the game.

I’d suggest maybe getting a single or camp bed for her and pushing it up against your side of the bed. That way she has her own bed, but she could reach up and hold your hand in the night if she was upset and she would know you are next to her.

It’s also a good start to gently transitioning her back to her own room, when she is ready. As she already has her own sleeping space.

Good luck OP. You really are doing a wonderful, selfless thing.

I know this is off topic it’s just I am surprised by this. I wouldn’t think anything of bringing a small related child into bed with both me and DP if they were distressed.

What would SS suggest if The DP was her uncle and OP her not related aunt?

Is it just because he’s male or because he’s not related?

Both. The vast majority of sexual abuse is perpetrated by males known to the child. Abuse by biological fathers is considerably less than that perpetrated by other father figures.

Yep agree with PP. As insulting and wrong as it is to your partner and you really don't want to rock the boat with SS especially if you may intend to adopt. They have to look at the most negative, horrific outcome that MAY happen, you and your partner know better but really have to play along. This is the game that is played within SS.

My DSS and his partner have and are still going through the SS hoops for the last 3 years. She was in foster care got pregnant at 18 to DSS who was 20 but because SS was involved it took almost 3 years for them to prove the were "adequate" parents...so bloody demeaning IMO