Social worker says my niece should sleep in bed with me if my partner is in the bed

[newmummy0094]

I've posted questions on here quite a lot recently about my niece. For those who haven't seen them last week my sister had a breakdown and me and my partner have taken her in. This isn't the first time this has happened but it now seems more permanent. My sister suffers from PND which is where this came from. My niece also lived with us for nearly a year when she was two. She is four now.

So me and my partner had a meeting with our new social worker today. Everything went great apart from one thing. She was asking how my niece is coping. So I said she is doing well apart from at night. At night she gets very bad separation anxiety. I think this is because my sister had her breakdown at night. My niece was in her bedroom terrified. Then a stranger took her away to the police station. She then sat there for hours alone with strangers.
Anyway I said to the social worker that she was sleeping in bed with us (me and my partner.) the social work seemed to sit up and listen at this point. She then asked if I was always in bed when my niece and partner in bed together. I said usually but obviously not always. She seemed to go really funny then.
At one point my partner went out of the room to make us another cup of tea. When he did the social work whispered to me 'you really shouldn't allow your niece and partner in bed together'
I was a bit shocked as I've never seen anything wrong with it.
We may be adopting my niece and if we were her actual parents there wouldn't be a problem.
Am I really being unreasonable to have her in bed with us?
What would you do?

I am shocked at the amount of comments here who are putting an adults feelings before what is best for a child. Fostering or adopting is not the same as bringing up your biological child, in terms of what is best for the child. I used to work in an assessment centre for children coming into care for the first time, or where a placement had broken down. Traumatised children have different needs to children brought up in happy families. And it is the child's needs that come first, not an adults feelings.

The needs of this little girl are paramount. The OP is pregnant, would be approved to adopt a newborn given she’ll have one of her own in 3 months. Social care will consider needs of this existing child..

I am surprised the social worker waited until your partner left the room to address this issue

Me too, really surprised. I would have thought a SW wouldn't have been worried about speaking to both of you regarding something as serious as this OP.

Many things about this tale are surprising and very odd...

Are you sure you have been understanding what is happening correctly op?

Hmmmm.

I’ve followed your threads and this is the first time I’ve thought

Too soon to adopt.

I must admit I think waiting until the partner left the room was a bit odd. If I'd been advising it would be to both parents not to share the bed with the child, regardless of gender. Yes, sadly, abuse by non related males is more common BUT as many posters have said it's not just about that, there's many other issues around boundaries and attachment, along with fostering regs and safe care, that are relevant regardless of gender. And Op your partner is particularly vulnerable to anything being misconstrued and its important that he's protected as a foster carer as well.

Sorry haven't got time to rtft however I suspect many said listen to the sw.
Nothing negative against your dp but it only takes for your dn to say the wrong thing in the wrong way to a friend or teacher for a full investigation to take place and police to get involved. Sad but true.

It's best to follow the advice for everyone's protection

Why do people assume SA happens in a bed?

I wouldn't be comfortable with my daughter sharing a bed with either of her uncles and I love them both dearly. Just not appropriate.

It isn't just about sexual abuse as others have said. There are other issues which mean this is not in the best interests of the child.

Sorry OP you are doing an amazing job with your DN, but I can understand why the Social Worker may have an issue with this.

You have your DN best intentions at heart, personally if she settles with you both then I do not think it's a big issue. Best of luck to you all.

I‘m with you in the sense co-sleeping is very reassuring for children. But I guess you need to toe the line until she has been adopted. I do agree with others - if this was a real issue the social worker should have dealt with it then and there infront of your partner and been upfront about it rather than when he was out of the room. If it’s feasible, I would get her a larger bed and when she came into your room go back to sleep with her in her bed. It was the only way I could get my son to sleep through the night when he was 4.

If I'd been advising it would be to both parents not to share the bed with the child, regardless of gender.
They aren’t her parents, which is part of the issue. And yes, I’d have had that discussion with both parties present and explored how they could meet the child’s need for comfort without breaking safe care guidance.

Do you and your dp never have sex? You certainly wouldn't be able to with a child in the bed!

I'm also surprised rhe social worker didn't address this with your partner and you head on, in addition she's talking about adoption and predicting your sister won't be well enough to look after her going forward.

All seems very gossipy and immature. And above all unprofessional. Your sister only had a break down a week ago and this was your first meeting with the social worker.

It's very odd.

I think it’s a silly thing to worry about because it’s such a red herring. On the off chance your partner is secretly a raging paedophile then not letting them share a bed would not stop him abusing her. He would find a way somehow while you were out or sleeping or in the bath.

Rather than trying to physically separate them or supervise them all the time you’d be better off watching one of the NSPCC videos on how to talk to children about sexual abuse and make sure she knows what other people should not be doing or touching and that lines of communication are open between the two of you and she can tell you anything.

@Geraldine170
I've already watched them and I've shown my niece the pants song

@Bluntness100
It was the second meeting.

My sister has had multiple breakdowns before and she never really gets better.
The sw is very young and in my opinion inexperienced.

Why do people assume SA happens in a bed?
Because it’s a environment for it to take place - however it’s not limited to it

When did the SW mention adoption? Do they know about your "open relationship" too OP?

You’re not being clear as to where you’re at in the legal process and if you’ve been given advice on Safer Caring. The pants song is good but for her, not to aid you in providing the safe care this child needs. You seem sure you’ll adopt this newborn but you’re due in 3 months and may have this 4 year old also. How will she adjust to two small babies?

@Singlenotsingle
She has only been with us just over a week. She falls asleep I'm my bed and I stay with her until she is asleep.

Yes we obviously still have sex. Just not in the bed when she is there.
There are other places to have sex.

@yellowspottedwellies They don't. There are some reasons though why adults who abuse will do so in bed - ease of access (lack of, or thin clothing, loose clothing), opportunity to pretend things are accidental (faking being asleep, close cuddling) and of course the visual cover that a duvet provides.

But it's much more likely to be confusing for a child to be lying next to an adult who might be in a partial state of undress. Its much more likely for a child to not understand the social rules that come with sharing a bed. Its much more likely that an adult could move in their sleep and find themselves in a position that they or the child feel uncomfortable in. It's much more likely that a child who is in a new situation will 'go along ' with whatever happens and not have the understanding or the social skills to move to their own bed if they don't feel right (not suggesting SA, could be as simple as being too hot)

I've worked with children who, when first fostered, have urinated in their bedroom because they are too unsure of using the bathroom in the night, who have had meltdowns because they had to put their clothes in a wash basket, who have been afraid to eat food because they feel guilty that they're enjoying food and its not mum or dad's. Depending on the childs experiences (and Im not insinuating this with the Op, I dont know their situation) children can find all sorts of situations odd and difficult and safer care guidelines are there to mitigate that as well as protecting the carers from false allegations and from being perceived by the child as abusive when doing something innocent (eg a child who has been SA might perceive a bear hug very differently than the adult who has only had nice experiences of hugging)

If there was no other way to make a child feel comfortable then it'd be different, but if there's a way that's open to all sorts of misinterpretations and could potentially further hurt a child, and a way of making them feel safe that doesn't do those things, why would you pick the former?

She stays with you regularly, does she sleep in her bed then?

@abacucat
What other issues?