Social worker says my niece should sleep in bed with me if my partner is in the bed

[newmummy0094]

I've posted questions on here quite a lot recently about my niece. For those who haven't seen them last week my sister had a breakdown and me and my partner have taken her in. This isn't the first time this has happened but it now seems more permanent. My sister suffers from PND which is where this came from. My niece also lived with us for nearly a year when she was two. She is four now.

So me and my partner had a meeting with our new social worker today. Everything went great apart from one thing. She was asking how my niece is coping. So I said she is doing well apart from at night. At night she gets very bad separation anxiety. I think this is because my sister had her breakdown at night. My niece was in her bedroom terrified. Then a stranger took her away to the police station. She then sat there for hours alone with strangers.
Anyway I said to the social worker that she was sleeping in bed with us (me and my partner.) the social work seemed to sit up and listen at this point. She then asked if I was always in bed when my niece and partner in bed together. I said usually but obviously not always. She seemed to go really funny then.
At one point my partner went out of the room to make us another cup of tea. When he did the social work whispered to me 'you really shouldn't allow your niece and partner in bed together'
I was a bit shocked as I've never seen anything wrong with it.
We may be adopting my niece and if we were her actual parents there wouldn't be a problem.
Am I really being unreasonable to have her in bed with us?
What would you do?

It's not really appropriate for men to sleep with little girls
Wtaf?? Tell that to my cousin and his male partner, who are patents to a little girl. Who sleeps with them. My son sleeps with me, I'm female. Is that ok??

OP I don't think you are wrong but agree where SS are involved you jump through the hoops.

If you've been approved as foster carers then presumably safe care guidelines have been discussed with you previously, and (hopefully) included in the mandatory training courses. Jellycatspyjamas puts it really well in their post, it's not a dramatic 'all men are abusers' reaction from the SW, there's practice guidance on this subject for good reason. Its not just them asking you to jump through hoops for the sake of it. As much as you want to treat her as your own child there are some things you need to do a little differently to give her the best chance.

@LIZS
Ss suggested we started thinking about adoption. My sister clearly isn't fit to look after her and her husband is basically useless when it comes to my niece

I think it’s BS but I’d make some slight change to comply- maybe a single bed next to your side of the bed or a double in your DN’s room so you can join her instead. There is no reason to think your partner is a threat. Your DN hasn’t been sexually abused. She need security and attachment. My kids share our bed with my DH (their dad). I’m not sure how it’s different. Obviously some men abuse children. But it isn’t an opportunistic crime! These men are in a tiny minority and would find a way even if you kept her out of your bed. I think it’s sexism from your SW. Would she have said the same if your DP was the biological relative and you were the partner ?

Poor little girl. My completely regular 4 year old is in our bed like a shot if she wakes up. Co-sleeping has been the norm across the centuries and it probably helps her right now. I think the camp bed is a good idea. See what they say to that. I agree you do want to play the game but nor do you want a further traumatised little girl.

@mama17
My niece completely sees my partner as a father figure. She spends more time with him than she does with her own father.

Ss suggested we started thinking about adoption. My sister clearly isn't fit to look after her and her husband is basically useless when it comes to my niece

Wow! They do that? And so quickly? You live and learn!

He isn't a new partner we have been together since I was 17.
He has been the most consistent male in my nieces life.

Why do you think I am out of my depth? I am curious

I think it's a bit sad but I understand why the social worker said what she did. My children often climb into bed with us. They do it for comfort. Comfort is what your little niece needs right now and I'm sure that is what you and your partner are giving. It must be very difficult for you both at times to suddenly find yourself in this position.
Unfortunately because of a tiny proportion of the population who can not be trusted with children it sadly impacts on all of our lives and good people like your partner need to protect themselves by not giving anyone the opportunity to doubt them, even for a moment.

@Notajourno
I don't know if it is because he isn't related or if it is because he is a male.

@loopsdefruit
We are fostering her until ss decide whether it is better for her to stay with us or go home if my sister gets better.

The sw says she thinks my niece will end up staying with us.

I am very surprised your social worker has been talking about adoption so soon. Are you sure you didn't get your wires crossed somewhere in the conversation with her? Understandable if so, it's a stressful time for all of you.

@MingaTurtle
She has a toddler bed

As much as you want to treat her as your own child there are some things you need to do a little differently to give her the best chance.
This. Even if you do go on to adopt her, it won’t be a case of her skipping into your family the way a birth child would. Issues around adoption are complex, the approval process for adopters is pretty robust for good reason and includes training around change, loss and attachment all of which will be an issue for your niece to some extent regardless of how often you’ve cared for her or how close you are. SS suggesting you look at adoption is great but her parents are legally still her parents, they would either need to relinquish her or have their rights legally revoked through the courts - even where SS think permanent removal would be in the child’s best interests, it’s not a given that the courts will agree.

In your shoes I’d be doing a lot of reading and research around adoption, the challenges for children removed from their birth family and safer care guidelines. I know it feels like sw are putting unnecessary complications in your way, but they do have her interests in mind - and are most likely more aware of the issues around attachment, separation and permanence.

I’m confused, who has parental responsibility at the moment? What is officially in place, are you fostering and are you adopting or will it be a Special Guardianship Order?

slipping not skipping

@willstarttomorrow
You seem really knowledgeable thank you. Do you have any advice about this process. We are also going to be fostering/adopting my sisters baby (she is pregnant).

There’s a lot of info online on Safer Caring. It’s really important you read this. Also, this sort of query is probably better responded to on the adoption board because you’ll get people here who don’t understand how to care for a child in this situation. She’s been through a trauma and potentially disrupted attachments.

There will be lots of assessments that take place for the unborn baby. How long has she known she is pregnant? They will likely want to reassess her once she has received some treatment for her mental illness. I’m concerned you’re jumping ahead. How can they possibly know the unborn child will be permanently removed?

@willstarttomorrow
Btw we would be adopting her together so we would both be primary carers.
We have been together since I was 17 so I don't think we will split. He has always been a big part in her life so she sees him like a dad.

I don't understand why people think it's appropriate for a vulnerable 4 year old girl to be sharing a bed ALONE with a male not related to her.

I'm sorry, but I just don't.

But adoption is a really big move OP. Are you sure you're not misunderstanding the situation yourself? It seems very odd that a social worker would be telling you you'd adopt this child and the unborn child just because their mum is currently ill and their dad is a bit useless. Would it be a good idea to speak to your sw again about what the current plans are and what your legal status is at the minute, just so you know you're on the same page?

If this is the second time a child has had to be removed (the Op says that her niece lived with her for a year when she was 2, due to mums ill health) then children's services would be expected to take steps very quickly. If a child isn't living with a parent due to safeguarding concerns then the SW will be expected (by the court system and the legal framework) to issue care proceedings within two weeks of the birth so that the matter can be put before the court and the children's long term plan can be agreed.

I am surprised the social worker waited until your partner left the room to address this issue.