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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 8 yo home alone?

221 replies

hibbledibble · 23/09/2018 20:56

I've looked up legislation and guidance on this, but there is surprisingly little.

She is sensible, our home has wired fire alarms throughout, and has recently been signed off by building regs. We know lots of neighbours.

Would it be unreasonable for her to be home alone for short periods eg 20 minutes? She is keen.

OP posts:
Dairymilkmuncher · 24/09/2018 11:41

I've not read all the replies but so many say no Shock I had no idea people would be so against this!

Op I have an eight year old, he knows if I go to the shop/nursery pick up he can't open the door to anyone, he knows how to call granny/me/daddy/police (whole reason we got a landline was so he could use it if I fell down the stairs whatever) he knows not to attempt to cook anything he can just watch tv and go to the loo and sit at peace till I'm back. He knows these things because I've taught him. Or he can come and wait in the car /get dragged out for milk and he never wants to do that.

We are in a tiny village where he knows so many people if that makes a difference and most of his friends that live in the village walk to school and home, local shop, park, cubs themselves so I don't see how that's any different.

TonnoEMaionese · 24/09/2018 11:53

I would.

I think that not leaving kids alone until they're 10 is a bit of a trial by fire - by the next year they'll be expected to get themselves to school and back (for kids in my village, that's a train ride to the nearest town) - going from never being alone, to making your own way to school 20 miles away seems pretty harsh for the kids personally. Better to build up to it!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 24/09/2018 12:03

I used to occasionally when DD had Brownies and we were running late. I'd drop DD in at home, tell her under no circumstances to answer the door and to get her Brownie uniform on. I would be literally in the next road picking up DS from the childminders and home in 15mins. DD was 8.5yo and in Y4. We had no issues but I wouldn't leave her just for fun IYKWIM. I've sometimes left her in the car at the supermarket, if I'm just popping in.

At 8yo she was going to the post box on her own (we can see it from our house, it's about 70m away). Now she's 9yo and in Y5, she sometimes goes to the shop for me (maybe 200m away). She knows to go straight there and back and to ask in the shop if she has a problem. She doesn't have a phone but to date, no issues. She likes the independence and sometimes it's really useful for her to do a little job rather than all 3 of us go out.

We do talk about random scenarios though, so what would she do if... I think it's good for her to think about something happening she's not expecting while there's time to chat about what she might do, what might be best, what options there are etc.

PhilomenaButterfly · 24/09/2018 12:03

icelolly we have a Yale lock.

sugarbum · 24/09/2018 12:05

8 is ok. I don't do it but I would if totally necessary. As long as I wasn't far away and he had a means to contact me (which he doesn't right now - I need to teach him how to call me on the landline)

He doesn't like being in the house alone though so its really not fair. (I've left him for 20 minutes with his his 11 year old brother before, but as far as he's concerned that's like being left alone!)

As others have said, so many variables its hard to say because only you know your child and the area you live in. Also what we did in our youth /what other countries do is irrelevant. I walked home alone at 6. Doesn't mean I'd make my kids do it!

Original poster
hibbledibble · 24/09/2018 12:06

The benefit of this is to gradually build up independence, so that she becomes a independent and responsible young person, and isn't shocked by the sudden responsibility of getting to secondary school alone for example.

Starting university, I also saw so many young adults who were Molly coddled, it really did them no favours. They started university with no idea how to work a washing machine, an oven, a job, how to navigate buses even. I ask my DD to help with age appropriate chores now, and will gradually build these up. I suppose many mumsnetters would think I'm the devil in disguise for this too.

OP posts:
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 24/09/2018 12:06

I think it's absolutely fine. It's 20 minutes. She's 8. Not a baby.

aybeeseedee · 24/09/2018 12:11

I think only you can answer that question and to come on a forum and seek advice suggests you aren't sure so I'd say no.

Original poster
hibbledibble · 24/09/2018 12:14

aybee I am confident in my dd's abilities. I am asking her to guage public opinion and what is the norm.

What I have learnt from this is that it is ok to leave her home alone for short times, but not to tell anyone

OP posts:
nokidshere · 24/09/2018 12:29

What I have learnt from this is that it is ok to leave her home alone for short times, but not to tell anyone

I always told someone they were going to be home alone. Usually my ndn by text. If anything happened to me whilst I was gone at least someone would know they were home alone. Similarly, if there was a fire or something else, someone would know they were there.

As for telling people generally, if you are confident with your decision and your parenting then it's not a problem. What other people think about it is largely irrelevant. Feeling guilty about it suggests that you felt it was inappropriate anyway.

Enb76 · 24/09/2018 12:34

Yes - I would and have done. At 8, I was sending her to the corner shop to get milk as well.

Most children, barring SEN or other issues are far more capable than we give them credit for. The only point at which I wouldn't is actually if there were more than one child in the house only from my experience of siblings not being sensible when all together.

Juanbablo · 24/09/2018 12:46

I wouldn't leave my 8 year old alone. She's very sensible but she's too little. I have started to leave my almost 11 year old for 20 mins or so but that's only in the last few weeks.

FilthyforFirth · 24/09/2018 12:56

No I wouldnt.

I always find it odd on these threads that it is assumed that every child gets themselves to secondary school and thus 'must' be prepared to know how to nagivate certain situations alone.

I and my siblings were all driven to school, as were most of the school, and we are all leading normal independent lives as adults. I did start to walk home in y11 as a few friends went the same way, but up until then I was driven, as were most people.

Original poster
hibbledibble · 24/09/2018 14:02

filthy so you were driven to school by your parents until year 11 (so age 16)?! I don't think that level of Molly coddling is good for children. Most need to navigate there own way to secondary school, often including public transport.

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 24/09/2018 14:07

No.

We had a post on here not too long ago, one poster said quiz them on what they’d do in the case of emergency.

I asked my very grown up and responsible 10 year old what she would do in the case of a fire, sit in the back garden and call you she said with the door open for smoke to get out.... why would you call me? Because you’d need know.
Ok, so you’d not phone the fire brigade? I don’t have their number. Hmm I taught her the same no as ambulance and police, but she isn’t ready.

8 really is not old enough at all. It’s too much, give your DC responsibilities they are able to handle or you’ll have the opposite affect.

frogsoup · 24/09/2018 14:29

Hungryhippo, your dd's answer sounds fine to me - in case of difficulty get yourself out of danger then call responsible adult asap is not a bad rule of thumb!

frogsoup · 24/09/2018 14:31

And part of getting them ready is precisely to go through possible strategies and discuss what to do. If you wait until they get every answer correct about what to do in an emergency they're going to be 36 before you let them out of your sight.

Allineedyoutodois · 24/09/2018 14:33

Depends for what - pop to the shop for milk? Sure. But you know your own kid, at 8 I walked a mile to and from school myself and had a house key.

DeepfriedPizza · 24/09/2018 15:01

I've left my DD who is 8 for up to 20 mins at a time. If she is off school and is either too sick or the weather is too bad then she'll stay in whilst I walk the dog. She will play the x box or watch T.V, the front door is locked, the back door is not.

MargoLovebutter · 24/09/2018 15:07

I would too. I used to leave DS at the same age, while I walked DD to her ballet class. I'd be there and back in 15/20 mins and I knew he'd sit in an exhausted heap in front of the tv, snarfing up snacks while I was gone. He knew that he was not to open the door to anyone, not to try to do any 'cooking' (as if!), but basically just had to stay and watch TV until I got back.

It was part of the slow and gradual process of giving my DC more responsibility. You have to start somewhere.

Each parent knows their child best and can make an assessment of their capabilities and levels of understanding and responsibility. Some kids are sensible and unlikely to do anything nuts aged 8 and are compliant and will do what you tell them - others are still totally bonkers at that age, with no idea of danger or any common sense at all. You work with what you've got and make the best informed decision that you can at the time.

bonbonours · 24/09/2018 15:57

I don't understand the logic that someone would let a child walk to a shop but not stay at home alone. Surely they are safer in their own home than out on the street? I let my 10 year old stay at home alone for short periods but wouldn't trust my 8 year old yet. But he is a scatty boy, probably my sensible girl would have been fine at 8.

Vinylsamso · 24/09/2018 16:37

Your 10 year olds replies about the fire we’re fine. You’de have rung the fire brigade after she phoned you. You’re of had a much better lead time than if she wasn’t there. When when I think back to being 10 and what I used to do, to get myself out of a burning building was completely within my capacity. I was climbing in and out of windows all the time if I was locked out!

MargoLovebutter · 24/09/2018 17:16

House fires are rare, there were just under 31,000 in homes in 2017/18 and there are just over 27 million households. The chances of a child being home alone for 20 mins and the house being on fire are miniscule.

Executiveappointments · 24/09/2018 17:25

Way too young. I first started leaving my very mature and sensible DS at age 10, and only for half an hour, and only with my number on short dial on his phone. I don't think a judge in the land would agree age 8 is acceptable

CrabbyPatty · 24/09/2018 17:30

Not read all if the posts. I personally think 8 is too young - I work in safeguarding and whilst I'm not saying that you need to be referred to a Social Worker if I found this out in a professional capacity I would definitely want to explore this further. The reason there is no legislation is because the decision is individual to each child and situation but that doesn't mean its ok. The NSPCC offers guidance on this online and that is generally what I would advise parents refer to in the first instance. Also, I'm concerned that your daughter is 'keen to be left home alone - makes me think she has an ulterior motive.

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