To leave my 8 yo home alone?

[hibbledibble]

I've looked up legislation and guidance on this, but there is surprisingly little.

She is sensible, our home has wired fire alarms throughout, and has recently been signed off by building regs. We know lots of neighbours.

Would it be unreasonable for her to be home alone for short periods eg 20 minutes? She is keen.

I leave my 8 year old alone for 20-30 minutes to walk the dog/run to the shop etc. He's still alive.

He's well aware of how to get out of a house if there is a fire although I'm 45 and the only time I was anywhere near a house fire was in my 20's when a mate accidentally threw a duvet over a lit candle. Seeing as we don't have any candles I'm sure thats not going to be a problem.

He knows not to answer the door and he is capable of using a phone. We know our neighbours well and he knows if there is a trouble (unlikely!) to go to them.
We were out playing with all our mates at that age.

She will be fine.

nokidshere
Find that a bit drama induced.
Personally, I say don’t answer the door because it might be some busybody who starts saying where’s your Mum and then reports my 5 min visit to the shop.
Even if they did answer the door once. The chances that the person at the door is going to be a murderer is a billion to one and I’m not prepared to live our life on those stats. Most of us are fearful of them answering the door mostly because we will have gone from a normal family to one with social services at the door.
So yes, it may be possible that my very very well behaved child suddenly has a moment of madness and opens the door once (although I still doubt it) but in all liklehood it would be Amazon.

Why would you need to do this? They are so young and could easily panic five minutes in....encouraging independence like climbing a tree or using there pocket money at the shops has a fun/useful element. This is surely just about being more convenient for a parent? The risks may be unlikely but they are still there and risks without benefit just seem a bit pointless.

@Vinylsamso

It's not about opening the door. It's about accepting that children are unpredictable. The majority of children, including my own, don't move and are in the same spot (x-box) when I return. But anyone who says they trust a 4 yr old alone is in the wrong.

If anything happened the question that would be asked is "did you put your child at risk". If that question was being asked it is likely that something had gone wrong that they couldn't deal with so the answer would probably be yes. Some risks are worth taking some aren't.

I wouldn’t have done it at 4 but I have done the very odd 5/7 minutes since 6.5years. I do it if he doesn’t want to come to the shop. The deal is you either come or you stay here and obey all the rules. I’m happy to take him to shop but he chooses to stay.

I’ve always given him loads of independence. It suprises a lot of people. Close friends who hear I let him out or sometimes new neighbours etc. They see him playing out and think I’ve just chucked him out there. They don’t realise I spent about 2 years sitting on a freezing cold door stop, watching, teaching and slowly withdrawing to see that he was responsible enough to do so.
I’ve put loads and loads of work into that responsible child, I’m not just reckless.

I’m conscious of training all my kids to be independent. The 5 yr old is the oldest but I think his nature is too anxious to be left, even in 2-3yrs, even for 10mins. He’d never let me drive off leaving him there or walk to nearby neighbours (countryside) so I wouldn’t do it unless he showed me he was keeping his own anxiety under control about it (hard to explain but we challenge him to face up to the things he’s nervous to do and sometimes he takes the challenge, sometimes he doesn’t). My 4 yr old is competent and methodical and confident as the day is long. I’d say when she’s 8 she’ll be the one insisting it’s fine and ‘minding’ her big brother so I can pop to the shop or do an errand. Equally I wouldn’t leave a child who had no judgment about things but I don’t see everyone really fostering a sense of judgement or independence in kids these days. I personally don’t think it’s healthy. My job is to raise them to be independent and able to make themselves happy. And if I just make them happy all the time how will they learn how to do it for themselves. It’s the little things all added up that make a person confident and self assured and owning your own actions is a huge part of that.

@Vinylsamso I’ve put loads and loads of work into that responsible child, I’m not just reckless.

Of course you have, that's what most parents do, you aren't unusual in that respect. The parents of the child who got knocked down by a car because he saw a friend on the other side of the road and forgot to look probably did too. As did the parents of the child who wandered a bit further than usual and drowned in the local river. As did the parents of the child who went with someone they recognised to look at their puppy. The same as all the parents whose children had an accident or did something out of character that particular day and didn't come home.

Again, my point wasn't about not letting them have independence but accepting and being aware that children are unpredictable and might not always behave in the way that the usually do.

My eldest DC (from the age of just turned 11) regularly left the house at 7.30am and did not contact me in any way until they arrived back at home again at nearly 5pm. During that time they made their way nearly two miles to school, crossing A-roads, going through some less salubrious areas of the town, encountering underpass tunnels under the motorway. Conducted themselves adequately at school, making decisions on their own, took themselves off independently to friends houses, after school clubs, the library, shops or homework club. And made the return journey. Often in the dark. And let themselves in home with their own key.

Yet there are people here who won’t leave their 10-11 year olds at home for 20 minutes. How will they manage normal life?

To be fair though I COULD have done 5 mins at 4yrs with my child without physical danger to him. I wouldn’t have though because he would have been scared( not mentally ready). In fact I was offering him to stay on his own on visit to shop before 6.5. Mainly as a way to stop him moaning about going to the shop. He’d always say “Noooooo, too scared” then one day he was like “meh, I’ll stay”
I live in a quiet little culdesac with no fire hazards in house. Don’t really see what the worst thing is? Because he’s so independent we’ve been through all the crazy no no’s. Anything thing wrapped round neck, cords, anything. Not allowed to touch kitchen stuff etc. He doesn’t disobey these rules.... atm. He may hit 8/9 and become more reckless but I’ll be watching and assessing and treating him accordingly.

Nokidshete, I certainly don’t disagree with you that kids can be unpredictable.

But I do disagree that all parents put lots of work into kids learning responsibility. I think that particular life lesson is frequently forgotten as parents put their focus and energy into keeping the child safe and loved. It’s a natural thing for parents to protect children and take on all the responsibility themselves rather than taking on the role of teaching responsibility. There’s a distinct difference and many parents don’t even realise they are doing it.

I do - probably ten minutes max for now. She also does things like walks home from the park herself, while I take my time with the littler ones, etc.

@Hideandgo

Well I actually said most not all but I get your point

No, what if you get hit by a car and get rushed to hospital while you are out. No one would find her until you woke up or unless she wondered to a neighbours to ask them where you were. You might THINK you know your neighbours but how can you be sure.

It's just unnecessary at age 8 - she doesn't "need independence"

encouraging independence like climbing a tree

Is sending them out to climb a tree really safer than leaving them alone on the sofa for 20 minutes?!?

But @Witchofwisteria what if they are hungry for a bit of it? Why deny them the opportunity to grow a little bit?

Yes I agree with the above. I have many friends who haven’t taught independence to the same level as I have. It doesn’t come up does it, If you’re with them all the time you’re looking for the danger for them. It takes loads of work to be with them constantly but loads to teach them to be capable to walk away. I’m not saying my child wouldn’t fall in the river but I truly believe he’d be less likely too than most of his friends. He’s much more aware of real danger than most kids because I haven’t always been there to catch him from every fall.
I’m not saying I’m better than you, it’s just different forms of parenting. I believe in mine and the results show for me and our lives and the way we want to live. However it’s really frustrating with the constant belief from some that parents whose children are independent and lazy and reckless. It’s a lifestyle choice and it takes tons of work in the early years.

By the way because of my irrational fear that I won’t make it home (never been arrested, unlikely to crash at more than 15 miles an hr due to roads on way to shop) I always leave my phone at home with him. He’s to phone his Dad/Nan/ Aunty if he starts getting worried.

Wow, I'm surprised at some of the answers on this thread: especially those who say they won't leave their 11 yo alone. Do you allow them to go to secondary school alone?

Climbing trees can be very dangerous, due to the risk of falling and head and spinal cord injuries. I'm not sure this can be argued as a better way of encouraging independence.

There is absolutely no need to leave her home alone, it's about her asking, and slowly building up independence. We have covered the 'what ifs?' (fire, not to open door, how to call us and 999).

It is definitely a generational/cultural thing to allow children so little independence. My parents were left alone at preschool age, and home alone all day from school age, though I do think that isn't right either.

As many have pointed out, in other Western cultures it is the norm to allow children far more freedom. What is it specifically about the UK that means that children should be entitled to less freedom?

In terms of risk, I'd wager there's a lower risk of my dd, 9, coming to harm when she's sat on the sofa watching tv, (with a phone next to her to call me on, nothing plugged in to start a fire, fire alarm anyway, under instructions to not answer the door which never is knocked anyway, to not use anything in the kitchen) than the risk of going on a car journey to pick her sister up.

It sounds pointless to me. How is staying at home in a very safe house going to make her more independent, I don't get it at all. Send her to the shop if it's practical to do so, send her on errands to a neighbour's house, have her go up and order the food at a fast food restaurant or whatever, but leaving her at home will do nothing for her independence imo.

@witchofwisteria

Would you rather your DC were out with you, getting hit by that car? Watching you get hit by the car and taken away in an ambulance or by police officers, not knowing what is happening? Or at home safe. With more than one telephone number of trusted adults they can call if you don’t come home or answer your phone.

I think it's too young tbh. I think I was left on my own from about 9 onwards but I was a very sensible child and it was only on the odd occasion when the need arose without an alternative - I don't think my DM would've done this if she didn't have to.

I think 8 is to little. I started leaving my 10 yo for 5-10 minutes and now he is 11 (nearly 12) will leave him up to an hour or two. He is very sensible but at just turned 10 came home once to find him sat on the stairs with a nerf gun because he heard a noise! Now I reckon a band of burglars could take half of downstairs and he wouldn’t move from his Xbox!

As many have pointed out, in other Western cultures it is the norm to allow children far more freedom. What is it specifically about the UK that means that children should be entitled to less freedom?

This is something me and my husband have wondered. Neither of us are originally from the UK and have never come across such overly anxious parenting and babied children in any other country we’ve been in.