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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 8 yo home alone?

221 replies

hibbledibble · 23/09/2018 20:56

I've looked up legislation and guidance on this, but there is surprisingly little.

She is sensible, our home has wired fire alarms throughout, and has recently been signed off by building regs. We know lots of neighbours.

Would it be unreasonable for her to be home alone for short periods eg 20 minutes? She is keen.

OP posts:
frogsoup · 23/09/2018 23:45

MrsKeats if someone thinks their 8yo is foolish enough to open the door to a stranger then obviously they shouldn't leave them alone. But if I had a nt child who at 8 could not be trusted to follow basic safety instructions like that I'd feel I'd failed in my duty as a parent. Like I say, I'd trust my 4yo not to do that!!! (Not before anyone says anything that I"ll leave her alone in the house! Though she does sometimes go downstairs and get herself a bowl of cereal in the morning and watch tv if we aren't up yet. So shoot me).

Mrskeats · 23/09/2018 23:49

Adults let conmen in all the time I think you will find.

Mookatron · 23/09/2018 23:52

I know very well my 9 year old will not open the door at all if it runs when I'm out. Because I know her (and I do a little test when I get back!). Maybe you just know you can't trust yours not to rather than assuming others will (no judgement on your kid, I wouldn't trust my 8 yr old).

DorothyGarrod · 23/09/2018 23:54

I think it’s fine, we need to help them become independent. I don’t see what the difference a year will make between 8/9 anyway.

frogsoup · 23/09/2018 23:58

Eh MrsKeats?! Children don't answer the door when they are alone because they've been told not to! Simple as that. They don't have to make a judgement call. Adults are different because they decide who to let in! Though having said that, I don't know any non-vulnerable adults who'd be gullible enough to let a conman into their home, they are after all fairly easy to spot...

LuckyDiamond · 24/09/2018 00:05

I was 8 when I remember the beginning of being left in charge of my brother who was 6. Up to two hours a day then and increasingly so as we got older.

Nothing that bad happened. We played with matches, climbed on chairs to reach high places, attempted cooking (we were starving) and had all our mates round. I got a severe steam burn from the kettle during that time.

Sunflowersforever · 24/09/2018 00:17

@LuckyDiamond

Not sure that's supporting the 'leaving is fine' argument Wink unless that is sarcasm

yakari · 24/09/2018 00:41

When I read these threads I always wonder about dog owners.
First time I left the kids (9 and 7) at the time was because I had to walk the dog and it was raining really badly and I couldn't be arsed with a stubborn dog and moaning kids
Do people always drag all the kids out every time they walk the dog? What about single parent dog owners for the late night walk?

LuckyDiamond · 24/09/2018 00:47

@sunflowersforever if you asked my mother she would say it’s fine, but really it’s not.

I’m surprised my brother and I didn’t kill ourselves.

TheDarkPassenger · 24/09/2018 01:07

I’d probably think about starting to leave my 10 year old. He’s very independent anyway and goes out to play/walks to school etc.

100% he would eat the entire contents of the fridge, cupboards and cookie jar... so I’m not sure yet

MyOtherProfile · 24/09/2018 05:33

I can't really see why you even need to leave an 8 yr old home alone. That's not actually building independence in them. There are plenty of age appropriate ways of building independence and plenty of time to come to build independence in the form of time home alone.

Biochemystery · 24/09/2018 05:55

Yes, I've left my 8 year old for up to 20 minutes (I.e. where the max worst case is I will be away 20 minutes, not the minimum time would be 20 mins). Either with the iPad or tv and instructions not to answer the door, what to do if he needs help.

I leave him my iPad, turn off the screen lock that's important! and lock it into guided access on FaceTime. He knows which is my icon so he can call me if he needs me.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/09/2018 06:01

Yes I would and did. Examples are going for a run or picking someone up from the station.

Fontrieu · 24/09/2018 06:11

Whilst I'm of the opinion that children should be given responsibility early so they learn how to deal with it, a lot can go wrong in 20 minutes and if the child panics, they quickly get out of their depth.
How independent is she already? Making herself some food? A cup of hot choc?
I did a lot of 'dry runs', going to my room to read for a while...being unavailable.
At 8, if something does go horribly wrong while she is left alone, you would probably be prosecuted.

Oblomov18 · 24/09/2018 06:51

MN threads like this always shock me. That people Can't/don't leave their children.

My 2 sit playing x box for hours and probably wouldn't even notice if I'd gone to the moon! Grin

Oblomov18 · 24/09/2018 06:56

DD is in Y5 and a couple of her mates were 8 up until a few weeks ago. 

Eh? I'm confused. Ds2 is Year 5 and he's going to be 10 in a couple of weeks.

frogsoup · 24/09/2018 07:01

"can't really see why you even need to leave an 8 yr old home alone."

Going to collect his sister from a club. On my own (well, with the toddler on bike seat), it takes me 5 mins to cycle there, 10 mins home with big sister. With 8yo coming too on his bike, it is 15 mins to cycle there and 15 mins home (because he cycles more slowly than me and safest route for child cyclist is more circuitous). Mostly side roads but we push our bikes along pavement of busy bit. My risk assessment so far has been that he's better off with me, but actually as the evenings get darker that's nuts, he's clearly more at risk on a bike! He's safer at home for max 15 mins, with TV on and multiple neighbours only a few doors away if he needs any help. Walking would be an hour door to door, also in dark on busy road. I reckon that's a sane risk assessment that I could defend in court!

DorisLessingsCat · 24/09/2018 07:06

You will all hate me, we left DD6 alone for 20 minutes at a time. Usually to walk the dog. She didn't move from the sofa.

8 is fine. Leave her with TV and a phone.

BillywilliamV · 24/09/2018 07:10

I left mine from 9 but we live on a gated estate, 8 is a little bit too young.

DinosApple · 24/09/2018 07:40

Yes, eldest has been fine since she was 8. I pick her sister up from clubs. She doesn't answer the door/make hot drinks.

She is year 5 now and walks to school on her own, but she is only just 9. She's also been allowed out to play from 9 for half an hour.

I've also left the youngest at home too (7) when she's been off school with a bad foot, back when the eldest still needed to be walked.

Independence needs to be built gradually.

NutElla5x · 24/09/2018 08:00

You know your daughter better than anyone else.She has people around her she can go to in the unlikely event there is a problem.As long as you make it clear to her not to answer the door to strangers I don't see a problem with leaving her for short bursts of time.

maggienolia · 24/09/2018 08:30

I read a child development book that reassured parents that it was "normally fine to leave a sensible 15 year old for half an hour "
Snowflake in the making or not?
Think 8 is just a bit too young though.

MyOtherProfile · 24/09/2018 08:35

Going to collect his sister from a club
But that's not what OP said. In fact quite the opposite.

For what? There is no pressing need, it's just to start giving her some independence.

JustDanceAddict · 24/09/2018 08:53

I did it at age10, in preparation for going to secondary, as did most of the parents I knew at the time. That was up to 20 mins to drop off the other child, normally. They didn’t want to come and were ok about being left. At 8 they would t have been ok about it and not would I.

In fact ds took much longer than dd to be happy at being left in his own for any length of time. I would say he was just 13 when he was ok to be left for more than an hour. Now at 14 we can leave him all day and he’s fine with it.

nokidshere · 24/09/2018 09:03

But if I had a nt child who at 8 could not be trusted to follow basic safety instructions like that I'd feel I'd failed in my duty as a parent. Like I say, I'd trust my 4yo not to do that!!!

Then you would be wrong.

Children are unpredictable. That's the nature of children. Just because they dont doesn't mean they wont and if you forget that then you are failing in your duty to care for them effectively.

Whatever age you decide to leave your child alone you need to remember that they are unpredictable and plan accordingly. Saying that you trust a 4 yr old always to remember the rules is ridiculous In the extreme. Anyone who thinks that "it" won't happen to them is derelict in their duty. How many times when we hear of accidents happening to children do we also hear the parents say "they have never done that before" or "I only took my eyes off them for a minute".

I'm all for giving children independence at a pace you and they are comfortable with, but please don't blindly trust that they will behave in the same manner all of the time because that is precisely when accidents happen.

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