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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable for DP to say he won’t propose until...

178 replies

WhiteKnuckleRide · 23/09/2018 20:30

I have learned to drive?

Bit of background: We have been together four years, live together, no children together but I have DS(6) from previous relationship. DP is great with DS. We both work full time, both earn the same. I do most of the household duties. I don’t drive.

We work different shifts so DP gives me a lift to do the school run and takes me to work in the morning. In the afternoon I walk or get a taxi home.

FWIW even if I could drive, we wouldn’t bother getting a second car and would share, so the current arrangement would still stand. I have said many times I don’t mind walking or taxiing in the morning but he doesn’t start work until the afternoon so he says he may as well take us. He obviously drives every time we go anywhere as a family too - cinema, food shopping, weekends away etc.

I have had lessons before but never got as far as taking my test. I’m a very nervous driver and last time I stopped because my vision was so bad. I have since gotten glasses so that wouldn’t be a problem now, however we are saving a deposit to buy a house and I would struggle to pay for lessons while I am trying to put everything I can into savings, without dipping into those. I would like to start driving again after we have bought a house.

Tonight DS asked if me and DP were going to get engaged one day. I just smiled and said “hopefully”. DP said that won’t be happening until mummy learns to drive. I just laughed and said “don’t be a knob” to which he replied “I’m being serious”.

AIBU to think that his decision to ask me to marry him should be based on his feelings towards me and our future as a couple rather than a condition I have to fulfil? Or is he being completely reasonable in his wish for me to have this practical skill before he will marry me? I am asking because I’m genuinely unsure whether to feel angry at what he said and would love to hear different opinions.

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 23/09/2018 20:36

How odd. In my opinion he shouldn’t be basing his decision on that. I married my husband before he learned to drive. It was important to me that he did learn (and has improved family life for us massively since he passed) but it wasn’t a deal breaker. It’s not as bad as my friend’s exDP though, who told her he’d marry her once she had lost weight and could fit into a size 10-12 wedding dress (she’s usually a size 18-20). She got rid of him pretty sharpish.

On a separate note, have you thought about learning in an automatic? It’s much easier.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/09/2018 20:37

What an arsehole. He couldn't come up with a less ridiculous reason to not get married? I'd be reevaluating this relationship if I were you.

Merryoldgoat · 23/09/2018 20:38

My husband refused to TTC until I could drive but marry? No.

What’s his reasoning?

DonnaDarko · 23/09/2018 20:39

He is BU.

I don't drive either.

however I'm not waiting for DP to propose to me. We have actually already decided we are going to get married once things have settled down a bit. The last couple of years have been pretty shit for us.

I also second trying an automatic.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/09/2018 20:40

It must be hard to be with a non driver.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/09/2018 20:41

I do most of the household duties.

Not the point of the thread, but why is this?

Perhaps if you learn to drive, he starts bothering his arse around the house a bit more...?

GladAllOver · 23/09/2018 20:42

This is not the 19th century. It is not necessary for a man to propose before you can decide to set a marriage date.
How many times does this have to be said?

MsVestibule · 23/09/2018 20:43

Totally U. And what's this 'he refuses to propose' shit? Like it's some massive favour he'll bestow upon you if you're a good girl? You both work FT and earn the same money; I'm not sure what benefits you'll incur by marrying such a lazy arse.

If he ever does get round to proposing, tell him you'll give it some consideration when he does 50% of the housework.

Jaxtellerswife · 23/09/2018 20:44

Well any reason not to propose is good enough if it's how someone feels. Male or female.
The question is will you accept it I suppose

Bestseller · 23/09/2018 20:44

I think you need to talk to him about why it's so important to him, assuming that otherwise he's a decent enough bloke, as you'd like to marry him.

Fiveletters · 23/09/2018 20:44

You said “don’t be a knob” in front of a 6 year old?

Misses point.
He’s being unreasonable to attach conditions to an engagement.

Original poster
WhiteKnuckleRide · 23/09/2018 20:44

I don’t know his reasoning. Maybe he is trying to motivate me to get driving. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for him. Who knows? It does sound such a ridiculous reason that I suspect there would be something else stopping him if not that.

Thank you CarrieBlu I will look into automatic lessons. I think it will be much easier for me.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/09/2018 20:46

Well, there's another thread where tons of women say they wouldn't marry a man who didn't drive.

I can see his point, OP. Just have the lessons.

elQuintoConyo · 23/09/2018 20:47

I'd wait until he proposes, then tell him to fuck off. Controlling dickhead.

I'm not very impressed he said that in front of your son, either. Totally inappropriate.

KlutzyDraconequus · 23/09/2018 20:48

I'd suggest you ask him for clarification.

RLOU30 · 23/09/2018 20:49

If I was you I would learn to drive and then drive away

MrsStrowman · 23/09/2018 20:51

Does he mean that's more of a financial priority than a wedding as it will take the pressure off of him driving all the time? Ie save for house, pay for lessons and second car, then a wedding.

DolorestheNewt · 23/09/2018 20:52

Sounds like he feels your failure to share the driving burden (sorry, I don't mean that judgementally, I'm just trying to be clear) is symptomatic of something wider that's bothering him.

For example, I refused to marry DH till he got a job. Many would not find that strange. But in fact, getting a job would never have changed our situation much because I was quite a high earner and he couldn't make more than min wage. The point is, a job represented a change from something I saw that I didn't like. Perhaps you learning driving stands for a change he's looking for in you. Whether that change is reasonable is another matter.

Original poster
WhiteKnuckleRide · 23/09/2018 20:52

Thank you for the mixed opinions. This is why I asked, as I sort of see his point. However, I don’t rely on him to get around. I managed just fine before I met him. I think he sometimes forgets this.

Fiveletters Yes I said knob in front of my six year old. Sorry! Halo

OP posts:
catherinedevalois · 23/09/2018 20:53

How about I'm not marrying you dp until you do 50% of the housework? In fact if he can get you to drive he then has to do even less than he does at the moment! Are you really sure he's the man for you?

Blanca87 · 23/09/2018 20:57

Again, why are you doing most of the housework? Fuck that.

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/09/2018 20:57

I was in a long term relationship with a non driver, if he had proposed I would have said no. I gave him an ultimatum to either learn or we were over. I ended it, he never thought I would do it but I did. Total deal breaker for me

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 20:58

@HollowTalk I thought that too.

After 5 years of being the driver in the relationship I was a bit fed up of always having to drive to see family, on holidays etc and shopping (It was before online shopping!). We couldn't afford a second car as we needed a motability for my disability, but we could have shared long distance driving. When he finally started to learn and passed it was a great help. Maybe this is what he's getting at?

I don't agree with how he's brought this up though OP.

MrsStrowman · 23/09/2018 20:58

I've got to admit honestly not being able to drive would have been quite a negative for me in a partner when I was dating. It just means in a family especially, all of the running around is left to one person, and whilst you say oh i could get the bus etc, it would have an impact on logistics, timings and flexibility, you can't run DS to clubs, activities, playdates, parties etc. Need to get a new hoover (any sizeable item) DP has to pick it up, or you have to order online and wait for delivery, going on a family day out or holiday, DP is always the one to do all of the driving, there and back and any in between, night out he's always the designated driver, it's not much of a partnership. DH is dropping me at the airport at five tomorrow morning so I can go to work without leaving my car at the airport, but next weekend I'll pick him up from the station after he's been out for his friend's birthday, I'm taking the cat too the vet next week, he drove to the hospital last time I needed to go etc. It seems more mutual if you can both help the other and share some of the load.

Bestseller · 23/09/2018 20:58

"I don’t know his reasoning. Maybe he is trying to motivate me to get driving. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for him. Who knows? It does sound such a ridiculous reason that I suspect there would be something else stopping him if not that."

It seems very odd to me that you'd even consider marrying someone you wouldn't have that conversation with

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