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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable for DP to say he won’t propose until...

178 replies

WhiteKnuckleRide · 23/09/2018 20:30

I have learned to drive?

Bit of background: We have been together four years, live together, no children together but I have DS(6) from previous relationship. DP is great with DS. We both work full time, both earn the same. I do most of the household duties. I don’t drive.

We work different shifts so DP gives me a lift to do the school run and takes me to work in the morning. In the afternoon I walk or get a taxi home.

FWIW even if I could drive, we wouldn’t bother getting a second car and would share, so the current arrangement would still stand. I have said many times I don’t mind walking or taxiing in the morning but he doesn’t start work until the afternoon so he says he may as well take us. He obviously drives every time we go anywhere as a family too - cinema, food shopping, weekends away etc.

I have had lessons before but never got as far as taking my test. I’m a very nervous driver and last time I stopped because my vision was so bad. I have since gotten glasses so that wouldn’t be a problem now, however we are saving a deposit to buy a house and I would struggle to pay for lessons while I am trying to put everything I can into savings, without dipping into those. I would like to start driving again after we have bought a house.

Tonight DS asked if me and DP were going to get engaged one day. I just smiled and said “hopefully”. DP said that won’t be happening until mummy learns to drive. I just laughed and said “don’t be a knob” to which he replied “I’m being serious”.

AIBU to think that his decision to ask me to marry him should be based on his feelings towards me and our future as a couple rather than a condition I have to fulfil? Or is he being completely reasonable in his wish for me to have this practical skill before he will marry me? I am asking because I’m genuinely unsure whether to feel angry at what he said and would love to hear different opinions.

OP posts:
Pringlecat · 23/09/2018 21:01

Is this some kind of weird excuse to not marry you, so it's your fault and not his? To me, it sounds like he doesn't want to marry you and isn't man enough to admit it. I would want to have a serious conversation about whether you see this relationship in the same way or not.

Take care, OP.

BunnyColvin · 23/09/2018 21:03

Doesn't want to get hitched. Using the driving as an excuse because he knows you'll never do it... and probably shouldn't if you have vision problems?

That's my take anyway.

Original poster
WhiteKnuckleRide · 23/09/2018 21:04

The housework thing is partly him being (self admittedly) lazy and partly a side effect of him working the late shift. Even though we both work the same amount of hours, I will do chores after work but he won’t do much before work because he is tired. He does things like washing and hoovering etc but it’s little things like I will get in from work and he hasn’t made the bed or left cups in the bedroom and not bothered washing them up because he’s in a rush for work, making extra work for me when I get home.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 23/09/2018 21:04

It is odd but at the same time I could not imagine being with someone who couldn't drive. Especially as your son gets older and likely to want to do more things etc. My friend's husband sadly went blind and she finds being the only driver in the family very stressful (amongst other things of course). It means lots of things can not be shared - she has to do it all. If we wanted to have a get-together on a certain night where her son had a club - she could never come as she didn't have anyone else to pick up her son. Taxis are helpful but the cost of them must add up.

AlphaBravo · 23/09/2018 21:04

I think he's right tbh. But I say that as someone who married a non driver who always promised to learn. Well...15+yrs later since we started dating and I'm still the primary driver. I fucking HATE it.

Don't be a lazy arse OP. Do your test.

AnoukSpirit · 23/09/2018 21:06

Marriage should be a joint decision, not a prize you wait for a man to bestow upon you when he deems you worthy.

If you can't discuss this with him like sensible adults, why on earth would you marry him?

And why doesn't he pull his weight at home? In exchange for doing the driving?

HotSauceCommittee · 23/09/2018 21:07

Do what YOU want, OP. Drive or don’t drive. Marry him or don’t. It’s up to you.
Just don’t have a sprogg with him with his attitude.

AnoukSpirit · 23/09/2018 21:09

making extra work for me when I get home

And you aspire to legally bind yourself to a man with so little respect for you?

Why? Genuinely, why? Do you not value yourself and your time?

strawberrisc · 23/09/2018 21:11

I don’t drive. Drove two of my long-term exes insane.

Original poster
WhiteKnuckleRide · 23/09/2018 21:15

Thank you for each and every response. You’ve all given me a lot to think about. I will have a proper chat with him and see what he says. And I will learn to drive, but not in order to get a marriage proposal! I need to do it for myself.

OP posts:
Sheldonoscopy · 23/09/2018 21:16

My dp expected I’d learn to drive when we met, but now recognises I’ll be unable to (disability related) and isn’t fussed in the slightest. I reckon he’d be a terrible passenger anyway lol
Sure, he takes me to most appointments, shopping, whatever else, he knows I’d give anything to have the ability and independence to drive and not depend on him or friends. I can see it being an issue but surely a dealbreaker should have been raised sooner?

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 21:21

That's a good plan OP Smile

JoyceDivision · 23/09/2018 21:26

Three of my friends married non driving chaps, no medical issues or nervousness,just didn't want to drive.

2 marriages have ended and the third is on it's arse. In all three cases the non driving was a symptom of a lazy arsed manchild.

chocatoo · 23/09/2018 21:30

I’m guessing he finds you not driving more annoying than you realised. Must confess that it would really annoy me if my partner didn’t drive.

Maybe he’d like someone who will share the burden of long distance drives.

Incidentally, if you go out and he would like a drink how do you take your turn as designated driver? Do you say that you will pay for a taxi as he drove last time? But you still get to drink as well if it’s a taxi.

ravensmum · 23/09/2018 21:31

Yeah I threatened to divorce (quite seriously) my otherwise delightful DH last week over the driving. It puts all the pressure, the stress, the responsibility for the car itself, all the taxiing and the shitwork on me. So selfish (in our situation, not necessarily yours) it makes me so resentful. Test is now getting booked.

heretohelpGB · 23/09/2018 21:32

Realise this might make me sound awful but when I got engaged I told my then fiancé I wouldn't get married until he could drive!! Honestly don't know how far I would have pushed it and if I would have not got married if he hadn't but it was an honest opinion I held at the time.

We didn't have children at the time but did plan to and I just could not imagine being with someone who couldn't drive long term. I associated not driving with a slight helplessness on his part and I hated it. I hated how it almost made me the "grown up" and him the child (obviously only a perception as not true in any other aspect of our relationship)! It made our relationship, in just this one aspect, feel unequal and I didn't want this to continue as I wanted us on an equal footing going into marriage.

Now I imagine it would be entirely different if for some reason he couldn't learn but in his case he just hadn't tried.

Sorry if it makes me sound awful and realise it might but I am just being honest to give you perhaps some insight into his position.

ravensmum · 23/09/2018 21:33

Yeah it does seem to be a recurrent one where the non-driver is often ‘well, it really just isn’t a problem at all for us!!!’ And the driver is more AngryAngryAngry

ravensmum · 23/09/2018 21:34

Heretohelp that’s EXACTLY how it is. I never get to just lounge in the passenger seat looking at the scenery etc.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/09/2018 21:34

but he won’t do much before work because he is tired.

Poor wee thing. Men truly suffer disproportionately from tiredness, don't they?

Hmm
AnotherEmma · 23/09/2018 21:36

“The housework thing is partly him being (self admittedly) lazy and partly a side effect of him working the late shift. Even though we both work the same amount of hours, I will do chores after work but he won’t do much before work because he is tired. He does things like washing and hoovering etc but it’s little things like I will get in from work and he hasn’t made the bed or left cups in the bedroom and not bothered washing them up because he’s in a rush for work, making extra work for me when I get home.”

Why do women put up with this shit?

By all means learn to drive but don’t marry the lazy arse.

Maelstrop · 23/09/2018 21:37

I would’ve been very unhappy had my DH not learned to drive, I would have been very unhappy. Both sets of parents lived hours away and I did not always want to do 5 hours of driving. Much nicer to share, but that also goes for household chores.

MrsFezziwig · 23/09/2018 21:43

Obviously there may be extenuating circumstances in some cases, but otherwise substitute "learn to drive" for "learn to hoover" or "learn to use the washing machine" and you will have an idea of how unreasonable it is.

Cel982 · 23/09/2018 21:44

I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to be keen for you to learn, and to feel that being the only driver in the family puts an unfair burden on him.

It is completely unreasonable for him to have decided arbitrarily that this was going to be a precondition of proposing to you, not to tell you about this, and then to bring it up in front of your son in this half-joking, passive-aggressive way. It's really arsey behaviour. I'd be having a serious conversation with him about it, making clear that it's a separate issue to the driving one.

BewareOfDragons · 23/09/2018 21:44

He absolutely shouldn't have said that in front of your little one, but I actually don't blame him.

Presumably, you want more children with him.

And he doesn't want to be the one doing all the driving and ferrying about for everyone forevermore.

I think you should get your driving license.

Original poster
WhiteKnuckleRide · 23/09/2018 21:45

I do understand the resentment that could build from something like this. I think it would be fairer if we shared the driving.

I do often wonder though, how much less helpful he would be if I could drive. For example at the moment we do all our weekly shopping together. I worry that the minute I can drive I’ll be expected to do it alone and it’ll be one more thing he doesn’t do. He will claim there’s no point us both going!

chocatoo He is never the designated driver on a night out. When we go out together we always get a taxi so that we can both have a drink together.

OP posts:
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