Is it reasonable for DP to say he won’t propose until...

[WhiteKnuckleRide]

I have learned to drive?

Bit of background: We have been together four years, live together, no children together but I have DS(6) from previous relationship. DP is great with DS. We both work full time, both earn the same. I do most of the household duties. I don’t drive.

We work different shifts so DP gives me a lift to do the school run and takes me to work in the morning. In the afternoon I walk or get a taxi home.

FWIW even if I could drive, we wouldn’t bother getting a second car and would share, so the current arrangement would still stand. I have said many times I don’t mind walking or taxiing in the morning but he doesn’t start work until the afternoon so he says he may as well take us. He obviously drives every time we go anywhere as a family too - cinema, food shopping, weekends away etc.

I have had lessons before but never got as far as taking my test. I’m a very nervous driver and last time I stopped because my vision was so bad. I have since gotten glasses so that wouldn’t be a problem now, however we are saving a deposit to buy a house and I would struggle to pay for lessons while I am trying to put everything I can into savings, without dipping into those. I would like to start driving again after we have bought a house.

Tonight DS asked if me and DP were going to get engaged one day. I just smiled and said “hopefully”. DP said that won’t be happening until mummy learns to drive. I just laughed and said “don’t be a knob” to which he replied “I’m being serious”.

AIBU to think that his decision to ask me to marry him should be based on his feelings towards me and our future as a couple rather than a condition I have to fulfil? Or is he being completely reasonable in his wish for me to have this practical skill before he will marry me? I am asking because I’m genuinely unsure whether to feel angry at what he said and would love to hear different opinions.

Learning to drive is great. It's also expensive. If you can't afford to run a car afterwards, it's not worth it.
Someone who approaches marriage with his attitude is not a good bet.

He has told me where he would like to propose which is a very specific location that we would only visit maybe once a year at most so it limits the opportunity IYSWIM.

Yeah, he's stringing you along. If he wanted to propose, he'd have done it anyway.

I don’t think he’s BU. It’s a nightmare being the sole driver in a relationship. I’d be completely fine with it if they couldn’t drive for health reasons, but just not doing it cos they could get by fine without driving cos I was ferrying them everywhere? No chance.

But, learn to drive for yourself. Whether you stay with him or not, driving will give you freedom. If you break up it sounds like you’ll need to drive cos he won’t be around to do it anymore.

I wouldn’t marry someone who was a non driver and not learning. Too much of a strain on our potential life together and I wouldn’t risk marrying and then them not learning.

Oh the proposal in a specific place nails it - he's looking for excuses.

I completely understand why so many on here saying driving (bar medical reasons not to) would be a red line for them - it would be for me, but for people who aren't prepared to do the ferrying around and want someone to share the driving don't live with people who can't drive - this relationship would have ended ages ago if it really was an issue for him. If he really hated doing all the driving, he'd stop offering to take the OP when she doesn't need him to.

It clearly isn't that much of a problem for him. But it is a "reason not to marry that makes it WhiteKnuckle's fault".

Similarly there being only 1 location you can possibly get engaged. If the OP doesn't arrange for him to go to said place, he can't marry her and so it's not his fault they aren't engaged...

People who want to get married, get on with asking their DP to marry them. People who are trying to stall because while this is ok for now, but not really long term, put up silly excuses.

oh and learn to drive for yourself.

And learn to do on line food shopping to solve that problem, ideally getting delivered for a time he's in and you are not...

for people who aren't prepared to do the ferrying around and want someone to share the driving don't live with people who can't drive - this relationship would have ended ages ago if it really was an issue for him. If he really hated doing all the driving, he'd stop offering to take the OP when she doesn't need him to.

This isn’t true. OP might have told him she plans to learn so he’s putting up with it believing she’ll eventually do it. Maybe it’s only once he’s lived with her he has realised how difficult it is to be the only driver. I’ve started a relationship with a non driver believing they’ll learn and by the time I’ve realised how hard it is I’m already in love and it’s difficult to end it!

And it’s not that easy to just refuse to drive, especially for things that seem joint like childcare and grocery shopping, though he absolutely should if he wants to. It can be extremely expensive to get around on public transport or via taxis if you already have a working car sat there.

Why don't you just ask him why he now thinks the driving is a big issue? If you can't even have that conversation with him, you really shouldn't be getting married.

I wouldn't marry someone who couldn't drive. And yes I did live with someone who couldn't drive and it really grated because I guess I just assumed that a responsible adult would learn once you have the money. Three years later he still hadn't and thankfully we separated anyway.

What is the issue here though is that he's claiming there's only one place he'd propose and now he's saying he won't because of the driving. If two adults really want to get married, they don't necessarily assume that one has to propose and there's not only one place where that proposal can happen. I think you have bigger issues than just you're refusal to drive here OP

Once upon a time I would have said that he was unreasonable, and he is a bit for the way he's brought up that it's a problem for him, but now I can see his point.

When we married, neither DH or I could drive. We agreed that we would both learn if we had children. We wouldn't need to otherwise as we live in a city and get everywhere we need to quite easily. I got pregnant straight away and DH duly applied for his provisional license and passed the theory test. Then one day he told me he was very stressed about work and the baby and learning to drive was another thing on top of that so he stopped. DD is now 18 months old, I have taken and unfortunately failed my first test and will be booking a second as soon as possible. I have found the whole process incredibly stressful and I've been very anxious about this and work, and stressed with the baby of course too. DH no longer plans to learn.

I'm already feeling a little bit resentful of this and I'm not even driving yet. This thread has really opened my eyes as to what the future holds once I've passed. I think I'm going to have to speak to him about it.

OP, I'd recommend that you learn both for yourself and to share the responsibility if you want a future with him. I do feel it is unfair for only one party to be the driver all the time if there's no reason that the other can't drive. I'd also recommend having a word about how he's communicated this to you, though, that's not fair either.

If he wants a wife who drives (not really top of most people’s “must-have list” confused), tell him to go and stand in a lay-by, mind the traffic and see if he can flag one down. Please do that OP. Let us know how you get on.

I'm another person who thinks he doesn't want to marry you. He's putting obstacles in the way, and is making them look like they are your fault. But these obstacles are all his, he could ask you to marry him quite easily. If you are a nervous driver, btw, an automatic car could help you get through the test, you could then drive away from this man, because he'll find another reason not to propose once you've passed.

My husband drives, I don't.
I work from home, get the kids where they need to be and manage my life without relying on him to transport me about the place. If he wants to go where we're going (aside from nights out where we'll both get public transport/cabs) he drives. If he doesn't, I get there on my own. Sometimes he offers me a lift somewhere, sometimes I take it, other times he doesn't and I'm ok with that too.
I think the point here is whether you want to be effectively blackmailed into doing something in order to get married.
Marriage is supposed to be teamwork, but doesn't necessitate you driving IMO.

I find some of the responses on here really odd. If you want to marry someone, their ability to drive is irrelevant. I'd tell him you won't be wanting to marry him until he stops being a knob.

Whilst it sounds like an odd remark I have just witnessed the break up of a marriage of a friend and the wife not driving was a contributing factor. He said it added additional pressure onto his life and restricted them in choices blah blah. There were clearly other things going on of course but the fact that your partner has mentioned it means that it bothers him. And I would have a serious discussion with him if you're not keen to drive.

I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t drive. Sorry but true.

If you learn I wouldn't be surprised if there another 'only if you....' Learn, then review whether he's worth having a future with. Driving is a skill, gives you independence & widens job opportunities.

I don't think that it should be a condition of whether he will marry you or not. It is a useful skill though, and with three teenagers here it has certainly been very useful that we can both drive.

I drive. DH doesn’t. I could see this being a problem if we lived rurally, but otherwise it matters not a jot.

I did find, however, that many drivers often cannot comprehend how it could be possible to live without a car and still have a fulfilling life doing many and varied activities.

I think what me means is that it is a much bigger issue for him than you think it is. You need to discuss and consider it because clearly he's feeling like a chauffeur.

I think it also means that you not driving will have an impact on his feelings for you and your relationship because it's driving him up the wall. Understandable to me.

Chocolala most drivers have in fact been non drivers too. I know I could still have an alright life without driving but I certainly wouldn’t be able to do several very crucial parts of what makes my life enjoyable, such as the job I do and my social life and hobbies.

"I'm already feeling a little bit resentful of this and I'm not even driving yet." Then I think that you have to let him know that you won't be ferrying him aroundt & he still needs to get himself about.

They have indeed. Yet the ones I know seem to be infected at the time of taking their test with the view that their LIFE WOULD BE OVER if they couldn’t drive and they feel the need to loudly ask others who don’t drive or have a car WHY OH WHY and HOW DO YOU COPE. My dad being a somewhat bizarre case in point. OP - not driving is fairly irrelevant, especially since you can get around perfectly happily without. He’s making excuses.

Thing is, I find people who are car-dependent to be wet, pathetic, lacking in initiative and generally unreliable. You have to deal with them whining about where they are going to park, if you invite them anywhere. They whine about muddy footwear in their precious fucking cars. You can't just go off on a wander and see where you end up if you have to get back to wherever you left the car. Every now and again the car is broken in some way and the car-depender goes into a total meltdown and can't even get to the shop at the end of the road without a car because oh, eek, waaaah, how could they possibly carry a pack of toilet rolls and a loaf of bread at the same time? OK, yeah, a bit different if you live somewhere with very little public transport, but if you live in a city, you can only justify car ownership if you or a family member have a mobility issue, or there are more than three under-fives in the family, or someone regularly has to transport a lot of heavy, bulky equipment.

I agree with Returnofthesmileybar. Where I'm from, it is almost inconceivable that a person wouldn't want to get their licence. Not only is it expected of everyone, but it is a rite of passage, like first drink of alcohol, or something. Almost every teen here gets their learner's permit once they've turned 16. It is expected of everyone, and Drivers Ed is taught in many schools. It's like graduating from high school. It is part of becoming an adult here. I find people who don't want to get their licence to be very odd. I just don't understand why someone wouldn't want that independence. I'm not a snob about career or education, but unless their is a physical disability, I would think think very badly of someone who didn't want to drive. I am yet to come across any such person, except from an aunt in her 80s.