Is it reasonable for DP to say he won’t propose until...

[WhiteKnuckleRide]

I have learned to drive?

Bit of background: We have been together four years, live together, no children together but I have DS(6) from previous relationship. DP is great with DS. We both work full time, both earn the same. I do most of the household duties. I don’t drive.

We work different shifts so DP gives me a lift to do the school run and takes me to work in the morning. In the afternoon I walk or get a taxi home.

FWIW even if I could drive, we wouldn’t bother getting a second car and would share, so the current arrangement would still stand. I have said many times I don’t mind walking or taxiing in the morning but he doesn’t start work until the afternoon so he says he may as well take us. He obviously drives every time we go anywhere as a family too - cinema, food shopping, weekends away etc.

I have had lessons before but never got as far as taking my test. I’m a very nervous driver and last time I stopped because my vision was so bad. I have since gotten glasses so that wouldn’t be a problem now, however we are saving a deposit to buy a house and I would struggle to pay for lessons while I am trying to put everything I can into savings, without dipping into those. I would like to start driving again after we have bought a house.

Tonight DS asked if me and DP were going to get engaged one day. I just smiled and said “hopefully”. DP said that won’t be happening until mummy learns to drive. I just laughed and said “don’t be a knob” to which he replied “I’m being serious”.

AIBU to think that his decision to ask me to marry him should be based on his feelings towards me and our future as a couple rather than a condition I have to fulfil? Or is he being completely reasonable in his wish for me to have this practical skill before he will marry me? I am asking because I’m genuinely unsure whether to feel angry at what he said and would love to hear different opinions.

I don't think he should be holding you hostage in this way.

He should absolutely be able to stipulate what he would like before making a life long legal commitment.
He is not holding OP hostage. She is very free to learn to drive or not.

Going out on a limb here, but it's nothing to do with driving, which is a red herring. Even if the OP learned to drive, her DP would find another reason not to propose. And another. It's a hint of controlling behaviour.

I actually completely disagree with people and am on his side entirely.

From what you've said he seems a really decent guy. But his niceness is why he keeps driving you, when in reality, you need to sort yourself out and learn to drive. It's a necessity in this day and age. You can't rely on him ferrying you around for the rest of your life.

I think that it makes sense, just because it seems so menial to some people, if that's what he feels will help then why the F not?

I passed my test and don't drive, out of choice. We have space for 1 car and my DP has todrive to work, I commute by train so he drops me off and picks me up everyday. This is what works in the relationship but at least if I ever needed to or when we go abroad, I can drive. It's about sharing the load.

Just bloody take the test.

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but making stipulations before conceding to marry someone you supposedly love seems very off to me.I'd guess he's a bit of a commitment phobe and is using your lack of driving as an excuse, seeing as he hadn't made a fuss about it until the subject of marriage came up.If I were you I would only learn to drive if I wanted to,and not because someone told me I should!

I learned to drive late because of the opposite problem- my husband was very keen for me to stay as a non-driver and it took a real battle for me to get through my test.

However, what I can tell you now is that suddenly everything is easier. I don't resent him being able to leave the house when he wants, because I can too. When 2 people have appointments in different places at the same time, it's no problem. We do the shopping together because we like to and usually I drive. My husband feels like a proper pillock for being obstructive about it for so long, but what matters now is that everything is so much better, and that includes our relationship.

If you are getting married, then being able to drive is a good idea. I think that the ability to leave if you need to changes things and actually makes it less likely that you will feel the need to leave. You will feel a more equal part of the relationship and after the post-pass terror wears of you will feel more confident. That said, behaving as if marriage is a treat that you earn by being a good girl and doing as you are told is awful. Wanting to marry and needing to drive should be separate issues.

Sounds like an excuse to me: he can live with you and basically act like a married couple except for the ring, all without a driving licence - but the ring just happens to require the licence you are unwilling to get?

But the answer "Hopefully" is also pretty cringey. All you can do is hope, really? This all sounds like he has all the power and makes all the decisions in the relationship, while you meekly obey.

Get your driving licence, get a car, relish the feeling of being the big girl who can go where she wants, when she wants, and ask yourself whether you want to get married.

Obviously there may be extenuating circumstances in some cases, but otherwise substitute "learn to drive" for "learn to hoover" or "learn to use the washing machine" and you will have an idea of how unreasonable it is.

This was my previous post and I do stand by it, but I certainly don’t think it should be used as a bargaining tool for marriage - sounds like he just doesn’t want to get married (and what a horrible thing to say in front of your DC) so I would learn to drive so you’re in a better position if not being married becomes a deal-breaker for you.

Many a true word is spoken in jest, as they say.

Once you learned to drive at his request it would be something else with this man.

Driving is an entirely personal decision. If you like, find a specialist driving teacher that's good with nervous pupils, learn to drive for yourself and be thankful you're not married and have no DC together - you've dodged a selfish controller, you will come to realise. Then get a car and drive you and DC away.

I should book lessons. Not driving in this day and age is a liability. It impinges on many opportunities that arise in life. Show your independence before you regret it in the future. As for his remark about marriage all that shows is that he finds running you around a bit of an inconvenience and would welcome an occasional break from it.

I think it's awful. Get rid .

Maybe he’s feeling the strain more than you realise.

My DH used to do all of the child collections, dropped me at the train station for work, gave me lifts etc. I thought it was fine... but 4 years into our relationship he became very stressed with the pressure of FT work and having to deal with all transport for me and 4 DC. He was never an arse about it and never would have told me to learn to drive, but I could see it was causing a strain. So I learned to drive (automatic) and 6 years later I have no idea how I ever managed without a car!

In my position now I don’t think I could have a relationship with someone who didn’t drive, it would be too limiting. But basing a proposal on it after several years seems a bit and like PPs I wonder if it’s just an excuse. I don’t doubt that you not driving annoys him but it’s not major enough to not base a marriage on!

Many years ago an ex-boyfriend said he’d propose if I lost weight. He even had a specific target weight in mind at which I’d be worthy of the amazing prize of being married to such a knob. Tell your “D”P to grow up.

Theres a thread saying most wouldnt even date a man who didnt drive so he is NBU.

Once you learned to drive at his request it would be something else with this man.

Absolutely true. He is being totally unreasonable putting this precondition in the way of a proposal UNLESS - and at a stretch - he is willing to have the same sort of entail attached to him, i.e. doing 50% of the housework. He's already living with you and has a child FGS. He's really not going to marry you on this basis. Right, okay.

My DH didn't drive until he was 40. It wasn't ideal but we've always managed living in London. When he would visit me in the US I was the driver, drove everywhere including across the country. I have never managed to pass my test here so once he did he became the driver. I could go at it harder and maybe will do but I have to say I am not confident and the money required to invest in this could at the moment be spent better elsewhere. I didn't consider my DH less of an adult when he didn't drive and he understands why it's been difficult for me here.

OP - neither you nor your DP can predict what's ahead. He may well become dependent on you in a way he doesn't envision at the moment. If your relationship is a weighing up of check lists, who's doing what when, that's not a great sign.

(And I would have called him a knob too.)

He sounds utterly lazy and selfish.

If you are doing majority housework, I imagine you deal with all admin if he's not even capable of removing cups from beside the bed.

And yet you are not worth marrying unless you take up a practise which is destroying the environment, so you can do the driving as well as everything else?

Get rid of the selfish article (who is never going to marry you, you ask people to marry you because you love them, not because they are a competent driver!) And then learn to drive if you want.

Learning to drive is absolutely not the same as learning to hoover, learning to load the washing machine. I have driven and passed my test in one country as a teen, had many years off driving. As an adult it is much more daunting and especially if the OP has a health issue related to vision I can see why she's nervous. If I had carried on driving in the US I would probably have the same view of 'just take the test' but I now realise why it isn't that easy for some people.

Also - I could start another thread about the miserable and sexist driving instructors I've had. I have never felt more incompetent and undermined than in some of those lessons. And I didn't have someone at home telling me that they'd only propose if I passed...

On the other thread, I said I wouldn't date someone who couldn't drive. But, I did say that applied to my current location. I also wrote that it wouldn't bother me if it was aocation with good public transport.

OP has said she doesn't have a problem with buses,etc, and doesn't ask him for lifts, so isn't expecting him to ferry her around.

So I think this bloke is just using the driving to avoid marriage.

I have been at work but just read through the newer replies. Thanks everyone

It seems there are some really split opinions and I fully understand that it may just be a case of him feeling the strain of being the sole driver. As a few of you have said though, he shouldn’t be dangling the carrot of marriage as an incentive. He could have said something like “When you pass your test we can look at new cars together”. The engagement thing is totally separate. If he wants to marry, great; if not, fine, but that’s another conversation to be had. And if he is being controlling, and continues to point out my flaws as reasons not to marry me then I won’t be wanting to marry him either.

OP - I think he is being very manipulative actually. It’s sad that when your DS asked if you two would ever get engaged and you said, “hopefully”, that he would reply with a snarky comment about it being dependent on you learning to drive. In other words, he is happy in the knowledge that you would like him to propose but he can make you feel insecure about it in the meantime. What a stupid thing to say anyway, especially in front of your child who may well take this literally - “My mummy can’t get married because she can’t drive.” I agree with pp who say that if it wasn’t the driving thing, he may well be using something else against you.

Fair enough if he would like you to learn to drive. Tell him to book you an intensive course in an automatic. But, as you say, that is a separate conversation.

If he wants a wife who drives (not really top of most people’s “must-have list” ), tell him to go and stand in a lay-by, mind the traffic and see if he can flag one down.

Otherwise, why hasn’t he proposed yet, do you think? Do you ever discuss it? What is his agenda?

Independence IS on a lot of people's "must-have list" though. And depending on where you live, that might involve sharing driving.

Sounds like an excuse, I'm afraid.

I can drive but don't and DH is the same.

We have discussed marriage before now, which is why I was a bit when he mentioned the driving caveat. I didn’t realise it was dependent on that, for him.

We have talked about what sort of wedding we would like, financial aspects of a wedding and marriage, best man and first songs etc. He has told me where he would like to propose which is a very specific location that we would only visit maybe once a year at most so it limits the opportunity IYSWIM.

My last boyfriend have me some conditions on a proposal. I realised after a while he was just stalling
Now getting married to someone else who wants to marry me unconditionally

I recommend that you stop talking about the details of the wedding ( one day ) and discuss your marriage ( the rest of your life ) .

I strongly suspect that he’s stringing you along . It’s got all the hallmarks.