Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable for DP to say he won’t propose until...

178 replies

WhiteKnuckleRide · 23/09/2018 20:30

I have learned to drive?

Bit of background: We have been together four years, live together, no children together but I have DS(6) from previous relationship. DP is great with DS. We both work full time, both earn the same. I do most of the household duties. I don’t drive.

We work different shifts so DP gives me a lift to do the school run and takes me to work in the morning. In the afternoon I walk or get a taxi home.

FWIW even if I could drive, we wouldn’t bother getting a second car and would share, so the current arrangement would still stand. I have said many times I don’t mind walking or taxiing in the morning but he doesn’t start work until the afternoon so he says he may as well take us. He obviously drives every time we go anywhere as a family too - cinema, food shopping, weekends away etc.

I have had lessons before but never got as far as taking my test. I’m a very nervous driver and last time I stopped because my vision was so bad. I have since gotten glasses so that wouldn’t be a problem now, however we are saving a deposit to buy a house and I would struggle to pay for lessons while I am trying to put everything I can into savings, without dipping into those. I would like to start driving again after we have bought a house.

Tonight DS asked if me and DP were going to get engaged one day. I just smiled and said “hopefully”. DP said that won’t be happening until mummy learns to drive. I just laughed and said “don’t be a knob” to which he replied “I’m being serious”.

AIBU to think that his decision to ask me to marry him should be based on his feelings towards me and our future as a couple rather than a condition I have to fulfil? Or is he being completely reasonable in his wish for me to have this practical skill before he will marry me? I am asking because I’m genuinely unsure whether to feel angry at what he said and would love to hear different opinions.

OP posts:
Rockandrollwithit · 24/09/2018 06:20

My DH doesn't drive and it's just not an issue. He walks or takes the bus/ train.

The only time it becomes slightly annoying is when we go on holiday in the UK and I have to do all of the driving. But that also means I get to have a lie down when we arrive whilst he deals with the kids, so even that's not all bad.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 24/09/2018 06:21

Thats bizarre. He should support your learning but that’s odd that’s what he is basing his decision on.

pollygreen7 · 24/09/2018 06:25

It's not exactly 'for better, for worse'. The wedding vows should mean something and based on the potential proposal I wouldn't feel confident.

MoonageDaydreamz · 24/09/2018 06:27

I wouldn't marry someone who didn't drive either. I have a couple friends who have dh's who don't drive and it is shit for them. Definitely a deal breaker once you have dc.

As for wasting money on taxis when you pay for a car as well that is just frivolous (if neither drive I think you can justify a taxi fund of what you would gave spent in a car).

So I don't think he is BU.

Everyone is a nervous driver until they get some experience.

BolleauxtoBankers · 24/09/2018 06:54

I failed my driving test two or three times from when I started learning to drive, at the age of 18. Some years later, I moved to Central London, where having a car was generally more of a hindrance than a help, what with parking spots being so costly and rare and was there for a few years without missing being able to drive. Then, when my now husband and I got engaged, and knowing that we would be moving out of London, and far away from family, he insisted that I learn to drive, for my own sake, so I would not be stuck out in the sticks with no easy means of transport whilst he travelled abroad for many days, sometimes weeks, at a time. I hated, and still hate, driving, but the point that convinced me was that if we were to have children and they became ill/had an accident whilst he was away, I would need to get to the emergency department without being dependent on someone else to take us there. He very kindly paid for me to take a one-week intensive driving course where I took the test at the end of the week and so I finally passed my test when I was well into my thirties!
All this to say, OP, there are nicer ways for your partner to try to persuade you to learn to drive than the way your prospective fiance is doing it. As you said, it's best to learn for yourself, and then, as a previous poster said, drive right away from him!
Automatics are much easier to learn on and to drive, but I think they are often more expensive than manual cars, which may be a factor for you.
Good luck, OP, whatever you decide.

Justnoclue · 24/09/2018 07:04

I can kind of understand this tbh.

Being the only driver when you have a car in the family means it’s all on you. As kids get older the taxi service gets more frequent. Family days out mean it’s always you driving. It feels like a burden. It would feel like you’re happy to be chauffeured about (even though you offer to walk or get a cab, this is how it feels) and over time that builds resentment.

If he didn’t drive either then it wouldn’t be an issue, but I’d hate to be the only driver in a relationship where we had a car.

adaline · 24/09/2018 07:57

I see his point and I only learned to drive a year ago:

I know you managed without him before you met but now you're living together as a family. He's hardly going to drive to days out and get you to make your own way there, is he? Or drive to the airport for holidays and tell you you need to get the train and he'll meet you at check-in?

So you are depending on his driving to get you places. And it's tiring being the driver all the time. You can't doze off in the passenger seat, read a book, text or anything else - you have to concentrate all the time, and it's exhausting when that's always your responsibility.

Puggles123 · 24/09/2018 08:00

Getting married shouldn’t have weird caveats like that attached imo- especially when it hasn’t been raised an issue before.

MsHopey · 24/09/2018 08:09

I refused to TTC until DH learned to drive. We both wanted me to be a SAHM and DH starts work at 4am.
I just didn't see it as a good idea to get up with a new born at 3am, in winter, to drive DH to work, turn round and go home.
It all depends on you and your circumstances though.
Marriage is different and DH did want to drive we just had to get finances in place as it's not cheap.
Ultimately I suppose it depends on how you feel about it. No one else can tell you if you think it's reasonable or not. It's about how you feel.

MarthasGinYard · 24/09/2018 08:11

Odd thing to say but it would grind my gears living with someone who couldn't drive.

No way I'd have dc with them.

SilverLining10 · 24/09/2018 08:13

I have to agree with him.

It really does become a burden even if you don't see the need for it. He always has to play chauffeur.

What about doing trips or holidays that require driving? All on him.
What about when your ds needs lifts somewhere as he gets older? All on him.
What if theres an emergency and you cant get a taxi or transport quick enough but have a car sitting right there? All on him.

Theres so so many situations where this will fall on him. You need to compromise on the burdens - you learn to drive and he shares the housework.

adaline · 24/09/2018 08:15

Just something I thought - maybe he sees you spending family money on taxis on a regular basis to be a complete waste of money, which could be better used on driving lessons?

Jagblue · 24/09/2018 08:18

Please learn to drive regardless. Even if you don't get a car at least you have the skill.
Strange reason not to propose but maybe he wants to delay or not propose at all as he knows you don't want to drive.

Taylor22 · 24/09/2018 08:28

I actually agree with him.

Missingstreetlife · 24/09/2018 08:30

I see his point but I wouldn't be buying a house with him

0rlaith · 24/09/2018 08:33

I do often wonder though, how much less helpful he would be if I could drive. For example at the moment we do all our weekly shopping together. I worry that the minute I can drive I’ll be expected to do it alone and it’ll be one more thing he doesn’t do. He will claim there’s no point us both going!

He’s right. Get him to do it alone before he starts his back shift , the shops are so much quieter in the mornings.

Learn to drive.

Don’t marry him .

diddl · 24/09/2018 08:36

How did you get to work/get your son to school before he drove you?

I don't drive but used to bike the kids to kindergarten/school & friends locally.

Husband does the weekly shop-why would we all!

Blondebakingmumma · 24/09/2018 08:36

I don’t find OP’s husband that bad in the household jobs TBH. OP said he does the washing, hoovering, grocery shopping (together) and drives to every school drop off/pick up. He could possibly do a few more jobs, but he is at least contributing.
OP- good idea to get your license and see if he continues to go shopping with you. If he claims that it doesn’t take two, you can always agree and suggest that you take turns.
If you are planning to have more children I can imagine it would be a deal breaker for me if my partner didn’t drive

Parker231 · 24/09/2018 08:36

What conditions are you setting for to achieve before you marry him? He would have to be doing 50% of housework for me to even live with him. Can’t tolerate lazy men.

Blondebakingmumma · 24/09/2018 08:37

Sorry I meant OP’s bf not husband

eelbecomingforyou · 24/09/2018 08:37

Is he giving this as a reason, while knowing that it's not likely to happen: to give him some breathing room?

Ask him how he thinks it will change your life if you did drive, since you're not going to get another car. Des he want you to be able to share driving at weekends?

Give him a condition: say until he does 50% of the household jobs, you won't marry him.

eelbecomingforyou · 24/09/2018 08:38

X-post, Parker231!

eelbecomingforyou · 24/09/2018 08:42

I do often wonder though, how much less helpful he would be if I could drive. For example at the moment we do all our weekly shopping together. I worry that the minute I can drive I’ll be expected to do it alone and it’ll be one more thing he doesn’t do. He will claim there’s no point us both going!

Why not do an internet shop?? I didn't think people still went round the supermarket at the weekend...

AtlasQueen · 24/09/2018 08:43

I don’t think it should be a condition.

But otoh I was with someone who couldn’t drive for 5 years and it was a real burden that you do start to resent in time

NotUmbongoUnchained · 24/09/2018 08:49

It’s a total pain in the ass. My husband lost his license about 2 years ago. He’s absolutely desperate for another baby but I will not consider having another one with him until he gets his license back.