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Original poster

Have I been cruel to my baby?

267 replies

NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:16

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

OP posts:
Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 23/09/2018 20:18

You've done nothing wrong. It's not going to harm him and by the sounds of it, you needed the break. If you'd gotten out the bath and gone to him you'd have been frustrated verging on angry. And that would have been worse than 30 minutes of crying it out. Don't bear yourself up over it. And maybe try doing it s little bit more.

LittleMissPonsible · 23/09/2018 20:19

No you haven’t been cruel. That was not cry it out. That was mummy having a well earned bath.

BeeFarseer · 23/09/2018 20:19

He was safe, you needed the break, and you stayed away until your annoyance faded. I think you did the right thing.

My mum used to put me at the end of the garden in my pram while she had a cup of tea.

Herehere66 · 23/09/2018 20:21

Just once won't do no harm but I wouldn't make a habbit of it

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 23/09/2018 20:21

If you are tired to the point of getting angry with your baby then you absolutely did the right thing to stay away.

Both of mine were sleep trained, (6mth and 9mth old) and I do not regret it one bit. They are solid sleepers and I am a million times a better parent for having unbroken sleep.

There is no ‘correct’ answer but I would say have a good think about what you need to do to make this (baby and pregnancy) doable for you - in your situation I would absolutely be prioritising a routine and night time sleep. Read up on sleep training techniques and see if it’s for you - you need nerves of steel though for the first night so any support from a partner or friend would be good. Fwiw I used the technique where you wait for progressively longer periods up to 15min before going in. Good luck!

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:24

I'd never lose my temper with him or be rough with him but feel ashamed of myself that his crying frustrated me to the extent I would exclaim "oh for fuck sake"

I should have more patience shouldn't I? Truth be told I'm hormonal, tired and feel helpless that I can't "do" anything to make him feel better

I'm going to look into sleep training

OP posts:
Getoffthetableplease · 23/09/2018 20:27

Yes, leaving a baby to cry is cruel, they need you. If you were about to respond in an angry way then of course leaving them somewhere safe for a few minutes whilst you regain yourself is clearly preferable. Sorry you've had a shit day and are tired and at the end of it but 30 minutes is extreme, and you wouldn't even be posting this if you didn't already know that.

kitkatsky · 23/09/2018 20:28

I totally had to do this sometimes when I got hugely frustrated. Far safer to put your child in a safe place and calm down than keep looking after them and getting more and more stressed. It doesn't mean you would hurt him, more that you understand your needs. He was fine- he smiled when you came back because he knew you would

Justnoclue · 23/09/2018 20:36

@NameC123

I'd never lose my temper with him or be rough with him but feel ashamed of myself that his crying frustrated me to the extent I would exclaim "oh for fuck sake"

Honestly.... parenting is often 50% muttering FFS under your breath Grin

Joking aside not really joking you’ve done nothing wrong. You stayed away while you were angry and that’s good parenting.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/09/2018 20:39

Honestly.... parenting is often 50% muttering FFS under your breath Grin

Hahaha this. So this ^

You have done nothing wrong OP. What’s wrong is society guilt trips mothers and leaves us feeling unsure about whether we are allowed to have any needs at all.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:41

Probably makes no difference but he was in the very next room, the bathroom and bedroom doors were both open so he could hear me and knew I was nearby and he was perfectly safe - I just feel extremely guilty Sad

OP posts:
Creatureofthenight · 23/09/2018 20:45

Ive muttered Oh FFS more times than I can count!
But quite honestly I would have found listen to my baby cry for 30 minutes pretty stressful and it would have totally undone the relaxing aspect of the bath.

YearOfYouRemember · 23/09/2018 20:47

Thirty minutes is too long imo at eight months.

Brokenmyankleandfoot · 23/09/2018 20:49

Have you a partner who could take the baby for a bit?

skunkatanka · 23/09/2018 20:49

30 minutes is far too long and goes against advice about what is safe for a crying baby. Your baby had no idea that you were in the bath and planning to return so for those 30 minutes your baby was scared and lonely. That is not ok and I'm surprised that PPs are suggesting it was. 5 minutes for you to breathe deeply and calm down, maybe, but 30 minutes is way too long.

SoftSheen · 23/09/2018 20:49

It's really not OK to leave a baby to cry for 30 minutes. 5 minutes would have been enough to quickly wash and get out.

CluedoAddict · 23/09/2018 20:49

30 minutes is far too long at that age. Maximum of 10 minutes would be my limit.

unicorncow · 23/09/2018 20:50

Sounds like it's a complete one-off anyway! Don't beat yourself up over it! He's clearly fine, we need to look after ourselves too!

Benandhollysmum · 23/09/2018 20:50

No you haven’t as you need time out too, though don’t make a habit of it though, because a baby that cries for half an hour and left alone with no comfort can get nosy neighbours involved etc, to be honest i used to take mine in bathroom with me..while I was in Bath they’d be in baby seat that way I was within sight n I could spend as long as I liked in a bath relaxing chatting away to them.

woodhill · 23/09/2018 20:52

I don't blame you OP. Nothing to worry about

Weedinosaurus · 23/09/2018 20:53

I’m kind of inbetween here. We’ve all been there and yes, I’ve walked away and closed the door on a baby...but never for 30minutes. I don’t think as s one off you’ll have done any lasting damage but please do t make a habit out of leaving him to cry for so long. Walk away, grab a cup of tea and give yourself a few minutes but I’m not sure half an hour is a good idea.

skunkatanka · 23/09/2018 20:53

"You need time out too"

Well yes, but not when you are actually looking after your baby!

WorraLiberty · 23/09/2018 20:54

You'll get mixed responses here OP because the whole 'cry it out' thing tends to divide MN a bit.

I don't think it was cruel, however I do think 30 minutes was a bit long.

I couldn't have relaxed in the bath anyway so I probably would've given up.

I most definitely would have sworn though. Nothing wrong with that. It can be very cathartic Grin

Benandhollysmum · 23/09/2018 20:56

AH get a grip skunk, lassies pregnant with a baby..she wants 30 minutes to herself then let her she won’t have time to break wind when the new baby arrives..so if she wants 30 minutes peace she can, don’t like it- to bad! Pop off

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:57

DP is home, he was sleeping (works nights but is off work tonight and was dosing on the couch) he could sleep through anything and didn't hear him. He wasn't sobbing, but whinging loud enough to have woke me if I was asleep

Its not something I intend on repeating. I feel absolutely terrible. I love him to pieces its not in my nature to be this way :-(

OP posts:
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