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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I been cruel to my baby?

267 replies

NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:16

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

OP posts:
Frazzledkate · 23/09/2018 23:26

I really think this was posted in the wrong place. Op, you can ask to have it removed you know. Hope you're ok

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 23/09/2018 23:27

Xpost. He needs to step up, now.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 23/09/2018 23:29

Frazzledkate no I wouldn't ignore him for 30 mins - what is your point? If OP said it was a few minutes the responses would be different.

TittyGolightly · 23/09/2018 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 23:34

I wish I hadn't have posted, I know I'm a terrible person. I've broken my own heart responding how I did, or lack of

I don't deserve my DS and he'd be better off with somebody less selfish and cruel

OP posts:
FrameyMcFrame · 23/09/2018 23:34

I think you feel guilty because you know it wasn't the right thing to do.

I'd say you probably don't need everyone telling you and that the fact you're feeling bad means you won't do it again.

I'd ask for this thread to be removed, because it's probably going to make you feel worse.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 23/09/2018 23:38

You are not a terrible person, you are an exhausted person who is not getting enough support at home.
I have disagreed with today's events, and I don't think you should do it again but there is nothing in what you did today that makes me think you are a bad mother. Nothing at all.

TotHappy · 23/09/2018 23:42

No, I don't think so either
See my earlier post
And others'
He loves you, your son. He won't remember this. You might, but it won't feel this important forever. Promise. begin again tomorrow.

Cabochard · 23/09/2018 23:44

Lord above!
Such crazy overreacting from some posters!
The baby was fine... he would have been fine if he’d actually been crying
Some of you have made the op feel really wretched / shame on you.
op
You didn’t do anything wrong. Plenty of parents ( Mums probably in those days) used to actively mother that way - regularly! I’m sure those babies turned out just fine.
See if you can get that lazy oaf off the sofa a bit more... you’ve got much worse to come with two! Flowers Flowers

Herehere66 · 23/09/2018 23:46

TittyGolightly
What a wicked bizzar post

what about the 8 month old that get dropped off at nursery and cry for hours?

Frazzledkate · 23/09/2018 23:46

Titty. Your name says it all.

TittyGolightly · 23/09/2018 23:47

Are they with a caregiver at nursery or are they left alone?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/09/2018 23:47

Tittygolighty I've seen your posts all over the sleep boards - do you enjoy making mothers feel guilty and insecure? And do you honestly think doing that makes them better parents?

PiggyPoos · 23/09/2018 23:48

Some people on here are actual lunatics.

It was a one off OP and will do no harm so don't wreck yourself with guilt.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 23:49

I wasn't trying to punish him, I love him more than anything. He's laid on me as I type and I'm in tears, I don't deserve him

OP posts:
Herehere66 · 23/09/2018 23:51

TittyGolightly most of them left alone crying and the odd ones with a staff member still crying.

Must be thinking their mum is never coming back eh!
And that is in a daily basis unlike the op

TittyGolightly · 23/09/2018 23:52

do you enjoy making mothers feel guilty and insecure?

You can only feel guilty if you’ve done something wrong, surely?

I like science. I’ve used it to improve my understanding of my child and tailor my parenting to her needs. Sorry if sharing that highlights less than ideal parenting in others.

Here’s the NHS advice page about separation anxiety in babies. Oddly it doesn’t mention leaving babies alone for 30 mins+.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/pregnancy-and-baby/separation-anxiety/

Most baby/toddler sleep “problems” are caused by unreasonable parental expectations. Making babies pay for those by withdrawing comfort is a pretty shitty thing to do.

TittyGolightly · 23/09/2018 23:53

I wasn't trying to punish him,

How does that fit with “defiantly lying in the bath for another 30 mins”?

PiggyPoos · 23/09/2018 23:53

OP you always find people being completely ridiculous on threads like this.

Honestly, no harm has been done your baby is fine.

I've got several children and the babies have cried longer than I'd like because I had to deal with x or y first

Have some nice hugs with him and move on.

And comparing the thought process of a baby crying in a cot to dumping an adult alone in the wilds is just insane.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/09/2018 23:53

Please don't make yourself cry over these comments. Some of them are from people who enjoy making other people feel bad, presumably to assuage their own insecurities. Turn off your phone, cuddle your baby and be kind to yourself, don't punish yourself by reading this stuff. They're full of hysterical unevidenced rubbish - but in any case what's done is done. Have a good cuddle, get through tonight and everything will feel better tomorrow.

TittyGolightly · 23/09/2018 23:54

TittyGolightly most of them left alone crying and the odd ones with a staff member still crying.

For hours? Absolute bollocks.

PurpleArmy · 23/09/2018 23:56

'Defiantly'... who were you defying, your crying baby 8mo and teething? Like you say, it can't have been an enjoyable bath.

30 mins too long, crying increases the stress hormones.

I'd suggest sleep training once your baby is One, and the gradual retreat method.

i know its hard but your baby didn't now where you were. Forgive, move on, have a plan when they are One.

StripySocksAlways · 23/09/2018 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/09/2018 23:57

How can you post a link that explicitly says: Remember, it's only natural for your baby to feel anxious without you, so there's no reason to feel guilty when you need to get on with other parts of your life and then continue to insist that a single episode of crying is damaging?

As for the idea you 'like science'... I've seen the links you post, and they either just don't support what you're saying (like this one) or are laughably un- or poorly evidenced.

Ixnayonthehombre · 23/09/2018 23:57

30 minutes of intense screaming would have been traumatic and too long. However, if he smiled when you walked in the room there is no way he could have been really upset. Imo, (and if took me three children to learn this and finally be rewarded with a good sleeper) there is a massive difference between whinging and proper crying. I would leave my youngest to whinge while I quickly read his siblings a story or got their pyjamas on, and more often than not he would fall asleep. If it got more frequent and turned in to non stop crying I'd stop their story and comfort him or get him back up. Was he screaming hysterically or was it on and off or more whingey?