Have I been cruel to my baby?

[NameC123]

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

I was working full time until a fortnight before DS was born, I do miss it already. I'd love to get another part time job. I can't return to my old job as that position is now filled but there's nothing stopping me finding a new one, unless DP wants to pay for childcare he'll have to pull up his socks on his days off

He'll be fine. Enjoy the bath.

Did you resign instead of taking maternity leave? Usually you could take up to a year of mat leave and wouldn’t have to resign until the end of the year.

I resigned as me and DP had talked and we'd decided I'd be a SAHM, I now regret that decision unfortunately. I should have just taken maternity leave then gone back. Hindsight is a wonderful thing eh

Yes and it’s difficult to predict how you are going to feel about being a SAHP v returning to work, and difficult to predict how involved your partner is going to be unless you thrash it all out beforehand, which very few people do!

It’s not too late to try and get a job if that’s what you’d like to do. You could even try contacting your old employer, you never know - staff leave and projects change.

I envisioned it very differently, I love the bones of DS but am in dire need of some adult socialization and more of a structure to my days. I know how lucky I am to have him, I just think we'd both benefit from a change of scenery

Yes, as I said I’ve been much happier since going back to work part time, and appreciate my time with DS more! He really enjoys nursery too and they do loads of messy play so I don’t have to

I've been there, leaving baby to cry whilst I grab ten minutes to scream into a pillow or something. However I think 30 mins is too much, I don't know how you relaxed in the bath for 30 mins whilst baby was crying!
Definitely nothing wrong with ten mins now and again though.

Ok I've actually just read the whole thread, your dp needs to step the hell up. I don't think they realise how draining it is being a mom 24/7. I've had similar fall outs with my dp, maybe you could do with 30 mins break from him let alone your dc!!

Op - dont fret. It was just once. Thats all. Your son will be fine. Its not like you are a recurring offender who leaves their child to cry for days on end.

Your husband needs to step up - or you need to seriously weigh up the options of being without someone that useless that he cant even look after his own child.

I said to him you was supposed to be changing his bum, "I know I was just trying to quickly do these guys a favour" he replied, referring to his friends on the gamecut the plug off.

This is the first time I think I've read a thread on here that's genuinely made me well up.

On the one hand I'm glad it's helped the OP see the things she needs to address with her DH, but on the other hand this....

I don't deserve my DS and he'd be better off with somebody less selfish and cruel

Really Mumsnetters?? Posting links to articles linking brain damage to crying babies?? Telling the OP that she's cruel??

This was clearly a mum in distress, at the end of her tether reaching out to other mums to make her feel better but instead people were kicking her when she was down.

You could've scrolled on.

You didn't need to comment sticking the boot in.

There are some absolutely fucking horrible despicable people in the world.

@NameC123 If knew where you lived I'd be round there in a shot making you a cuppa and giving you a great big hug. But have a virtual cuppa and hug on me instead

@FrangipaniBlue Aww thank you that's so kind to say there are some great people on here. I'm touched that some of you cared enough to defend my corner. I was in distress, feeling a lot better now though x

I've had a wake up call since posting and realised its not poor DS's separation anxiety that's the problem it's mainly the fact I get no help from DP even though he was here. Things are going to change.

@NameC123 this is exactly it! You are a hero what you do everyday makes you one and you are not weak or crumbling or sad you are ANGRY. Yes! this is amazing. He needs to step up or like another poster said 'when we break up i'll have actually more time because i'll have those access weekends...' he has basically not changed since he was a young single working man, this is absolute bullshit.

Don't get sad, get angry! It's easier said then done but you and the gorgeous baby are completely fine, this man child is creating all these issues and to top it all its making you feel like the sad, weak 'hysterical' one, worst of all it made you feel like a bad mother.

Now that is a step to far, he has now crossed a line, everything else is forgivable just about but you feeling like you did, no way

@NameC123 one day you will look back at this and realize that it was a turning point, either for your partner, your relationship, you, or all of those things. No one should make you feel like a bad mother, that is unacceptable, even if its in an indirect way. As you son grows there will be so many times you will doubt yourself and worry, but you will hopefully remember this time and use anger to power through and confidence, instead of insecurity and sadness!

We will question ourselves forever, it makes us decent parents, but we will take action ourselves to resolve things and we should put our mental health first as how can we do it without a healthy mind.

You either need him to nurture and care for you and your son so you can feel healthy and happy, mentally/physically, or you have to be alone and do it for yourself.

He loves you so much I just feel sure of this so I actually think he needs to read this thread.

Good luck! we are rooting for you to put that foot down and keep it there basically

“He loves you so much I just feel sure of this so I actually think he needs to read this thread.”

WTF?

1. He might love her but he’s not exactly showing it
2. Don’t show him the thread! Why do people advise that?!

Most of us have been here OP. As a one off it’s really not going to harm your baby, doing it every day on the other hand would.