Have I been cruel to my baby?

[NameC123]

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

I think I've mugged myself off into falling into old fashioned thought stereotypes where because the man works the woman needs to do absolutely everything herself for the house and the DC, that's worked well for him hasn't it.

I actually think he has it easier with working, he gets to socialise with adults, sit around drinking coffee on his breaks, laughing and joking and not having to change bums or deal with tantrums meanwhile my only adult interaction is with the two relatives I see every other week or my friends I catch up with over the internet

You have opened my eyes

Thank you for that

Coming to my senses has been well worth receiving the earlier bollocking for

Wow I'm a mug!

You should take the day for yourself when your DH is off work, get out the house and maybe he will realise how tiring it is looking after DS on your own all day and that might make him realise he needs to step up and support you better.
I would also talk to him about taking paternity leave when DC2 is born you are going to need his help and it's not fair for him to leave it all up to you x

Yesterday morning for example, I was trying to get some housework done and was using DP being awake as an opportunity to tidy up and put a wash on without needing to tend to DS

DS needed changing and was clearly letting him know as much, he kept saying "hang on mate" and sat glued to the fucking computer screen (he plays an online game he can't pause)

He didn't bother to change him so I had to leave a pile of wet laundry on the sofa and do it myself.

I said to him you was supposed to be changing his bum, "I know I was just trying to quickly do these guys a favour" he replied, referring to his friends on the game.

I said is that important? He said "no, I'm sorry"

Wow. Absolutely wow.

I'm glad your eyes have been opened

I think I've mugged myself off into falling into old fashioned thought stereotypes where because the man works the woman needs to do absolutely everything herself for the house and the DC, that's worked well for him hasn't it

I did that. Get it sorted now before DC2 comes along. Get him to step up or ship out. You'll have your hands full with the babies. I pointed out to my OH that if I left him I'd get more time to myself as he would have the children over access weekends. That went down like a lead balloon but he did step up eventually.

I think your OH should post in AIBU to ask: "Was I cruel to nap on the sofa or play a computer game when I could hear my 8mo crying and knew my exhausted, pregnant wife was having her first bath in two days?"

OP, you were technically following the advice of some types of parenting manuals, but you feel strongly that it's not the way you want to do it. Please stop punishing yourself, and tell your husband he needs to step up.

Oops, cross-posted a bit.

Also, sorry if this sounds alarmist, but what if you had fallen in the bathroom and bumped your head. It's really worrying that he didn't come to investigate.

Whilst I also find it extremely frustrating when they wake up 5 minutes later and I swear countless times a day under my breath or in my head.. I'd never leave DD to cry for 30 minutes.

If you needed the space to go in and not be angry then that's fine, take 5 minutes but 30 is too long IMO and I'm surprised others think it's OK, given how 'cry it out' is flamed so much on here.

Above all, I don't know how you could stand 30 minutes of crying! Can't have been a relaxing bath.

It must be hard with a such a little one and being pregnant, I'd definitely be swearing more if it was me.

Just read more of the thread.. bless you. DP needs to get his act together.

I'm on maternity leave so I do most of the baby and house stuff but if I need a break he definitely gets told, if he hasn't noticed I'm on the edge already.

I'm suddenly really annoyed with him. He says he never has any free time because he works nights but that's not true, he has 4-5 hours of free time every day when he gets in from work but chooses to spend them sat playing games.

I asked him to have a clear out of the storage cupboard last week which is choc full of his random things that he doesn't need or use, we need the space to store DS old moses basket and bags of his old clothes just Incase the baby needs them and he got huffy saying "but when do I have the time to do it"

As well as spending several hours a day on his games he also plays sport every weekend. I don't have the opportunity to play games all morning (not that I'd want to) or the opportunity to play sport or go to the gym on a weekend, simply because he hasn't contributed to our situation in a way that allows me any free time.

For somebody that has no "free time" because he works he leads a very self fulfilling life. I on the other and am a SAHM and do "nothing" except housework and looking after the baby and I have no time to do other things.

He gets to work, play sport, enjoy his online gaming and have all of the childcare done by me which means he saves money and gets to partake in the fun aspects of parenting when it suits him. Isn't he the lucky one.

I want to go back to work part time so we'll see how he likes it when I can no longer be maid as well as mum.

@lifechangesforever it certainly wasn't a relaxing bath I spent the entire time crying myself. I'm ashamed that I let things get on top of me and have vowed never to crumble when DS needs me again. Its my job as his mum to make sure he never feels desperately sad and I will from now on make sure that doesn't happen. I've had a wake up call since posting and realised its not poor DS's separation anxiety that's the problem it's mainly the fact I get no help from DP even though he was here. Things are going to change.

I'm glad this thread has opened your eyes. Your dp needs to stop being a man child. My dp does his fair share. And so it should be.

I always used to say to my exdh that if I've got to act like a single mother, I'll bloody be one! He had a shock when he realised I meant it.
Funnily enough tho, I had more "me time" when we split, than I ever did when we were together.
Some men just can't see what's in front of their nose.

When I was on mat leave I did the nights because breastfeeding but I had 2 lie ins on the weekend.

You need to catch up a bit somewhere OP.

From your later posts he really is taking the piss and I think a good sit down and thrash it out is in order.

He's not going to be able to sit with DS playing on games when he's a toddler and running around

Maybe you should set Titty on him 🤔

I've given up relying on DP, his work pattern and the way he manages his time and sleep when he's not at work makes him totally unsuitable to meet DS needs as and when.

All the way through this thread I've been thinking, PND? low mood? Caused by useless dh.
Stressed, sad - down to useless dh.

And I was right, sadly. Your dh sounds like a right selfish bellend.

He's made these two kids - he has to step up and actually parent them. He's going to have to change his sleeping habits and his general attitude, isn't he? Leaving a baby with a dirty nappy because he's playing on some stupid game? What is he, 12?

Best of luck with improving things. Ask him how long he spends each day playing games and doing sport,. Say when he's doing all these things you're looking after the baby. Ask if that's fair. And he sounds totally disengaged when he has your baby too - does he ever actually pay him one-to-one attention without gaming at the same time??

And remember, you'd probably be less stressed looking after the dc by yourself. At least you wouldn't have a useless man child to look after too.

I'm ashamed that I let things get on top of me and have vowed never to crumble when DS needs me again. Its my job as his mum to make sure he never feels desperately sad

What about your h's job as his dad? I bet he wouldn't be beating himself up about this, because he's leaving it all to you. What do you get out of your relationship?

Things are going to change

Good for you OP and good luck making changes.

We all crumble a bit here and there . And as for posters who come onto threads to berate women for taking 30 mins out of a relentless, brutally exhausting 24/7 job that it would be illegal for any employer to subject us to - I can only assume they have either never looked after a baby or are in need of help and support themselves.

I get nothing out of out relationship except financial security, it seemed like a blessing that he afforded me the opportunity to be a SAHM but now.. Not so much.

I'd rather be working myself and coming home to a cheerful OH who mucked in with looking after the kids when he was off work and didn't spend almost every spare hour adsorbed in an online world where he talks more to his online friends than he does me and DS.

I thought I had PND when DS was a few months old but i don't think I do have, I'm only human and we all struggle a bit from time to time but (most) of us have support behind us which I can't relate to much at the moment

It's a one off. Don't worry about it. And if any mum hasn't said ffs when they're being nagged or cried at they are saints!

I wouldn't have sat in the bath leaving the baby crying so long personally, if you knew your husband wouldn't move you should have got out rather than sat there crying yourself.

Your husband does need to step up a bit, I've had similar fallouts along the way with my husband (I have a 2 1/2 year old and 1 year old), but you can't just go on "strike" and refuse to see to the baby. I've tried it very recently, not wanting to get up in the night (I've always done it with our second) what I learned is my husband won't even after 10 minutes screaming and it's just mean on the baby.

I'm not saying it's right for men to do nothing at all, but I don't agree with just walking off like you did (and I've done it myself!! I just felt like shit because I knew it was wrong).

Big hugs OP. I think you should tell DH this - you're meant to parent together, not for me to feel like a single parent and a housekeeper, and what is he going to do to support you. And I'd definitely suggesting finding a pregnancy yoga class or go swimming and simply tell your DH you're going on a Wednesday evening so here's the baby thanks (this may be trickier but not impossible if you're BF). He doesn't sound like the type to suddenly give you what you want, you are in control and this is your life too. Tell him what you want and need, if he doesn't listen then he's a massive tool and you & you're babies deserve better

“he has 4-5 hours of free time every day when he gets in from work but chooses to spend them sat playing games.”

What the actual fuck?!

I’m relieved to read your latest posts, you’ve seen the light!

FWIW I went back to work part-time when DS was 8 months old. I’m not ashamed to say that it made me happier. And i feel that a day at work is a “break” in some ways, i get adult conversation and i get to have lunch and go to the loo in peace!

Another thing to consider is the risk of being financially dependent on someone you’re not married to (you call him partner rather than husband). It’s not just the fact that you don’t have any income of your own at the moment. You’re also not making pension contributions and may find it hard to return to work if you take a long break to be a SAHM. That might be a sacrifice you are willing to make for the sake of time with your children. But he is not making the same sacrifice - he may be supporting the family financially but he is also protecting his earning power and pension. And you would be entitled to nothing but child maintenance if you split.

I’m not advising you to marry him btw. Just to consider your own position in this situation.