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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I been cruel to my baby?

267 replies

NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:16

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2018 21:35

How could you lie there and listen to your 8 month old cry for THIRTY minutes?

OP has said he was whinging and unsettled not crying and screaming.

Notmorewashing · 23/09/2018 21:36

Too long Sorry I think this is cruel, you have chosen to get pregnant again quickly during a stressful time with a young baby. Not the baby’s fault

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 23/09/2018 21:36

Good luck with having two small babies with a 'D'P who has selective hearing and can be lazy at times Confused

Thehop · 23/09/2018 21:37

Yes, you were cruel

Google the negative effects of crying it out and sleep training before you decide it’s for you

Yourcupwillneverempty · 23/09/2018 21:37

I'm going to be perfectly honest here and say I'd never use cry it out as a 'thing' but both my children have been sleep fighters under 1.5 and with both I have left them when I needed to. For me it is the most frustrating part of parenting that they're tired, they need to sleep but they won't. I have been angry and I have left them. Not for half an hour but I probably would have done in your circumstances. Controlled crying was just the most pointless exercise for my eldest, I would feed her, poke her dummy in and she'd start with the twisting, grabbing, scratching while I was trying to rock her to sleep. If I laid on the bed with her she'd be headbutting, throwing herself around on me and rolling about trashing. I sat by her cot holding her hand for hours and she'd grizzle, stand up, bang her head on the bars whilst looking at me. I'd leave her and come back after 2-3 mins and it would piss her off more. One day I left and left the door open, left the light on in the hallway, didn't creep about and the little beast looked out of her cot for 5 mins and rolled over and went to sleep. Tried with my ds (10mth) and he did the same. Even now at 5 if we are somewhere dd is in the same room as someone when she goes to bed she can't sleep. Same if she's sick and sleeping in the living room with one of us. So I'm saying don't feel bad, It would have taken much longer for me to figure out what my kid needed had I not had a few 'leave me the fuck alone' moments, the last of which changed my life. And hers, her sleep 100% turned around from then.

TotHappy · 23/09/2018 21:38

kate Grin for real!

Ladi85 · 23/09/2018 21:38

This does seem like cry it out even if that wasn’t your intention. If you needed the break to calm down that’s perfectly fine but 30 mins is a long time imo. This is coming from someone who has regretfully tried controlled crying so I am really not being judgemental.

PippilottaLongstocking · 23/09/2018 21:40

OP he wasn't hurt or distressed he just wanted your attention, by going running at the first moan you're teaching him that he had you at his beck and call.

Being at your child’s ‘beck and call’ is part of parenting. It’s what you SHOULD be doing.

OP I think as a one-off it’s fine, particularly as you say it was whining rather than crying (I have an incessant whiner, I’m very keen on ‘attachment parenting’ but he whines constantly anyway, sometimes I think he just does it for fun)

Would you consider sharing a bath with the baby? Not exactly relaxing but better than listening to him whine, it’s the only way I’m able to have baths these days.

AnotherEmma · 23/09/2018 21:45

“Dp can be hands on at times but can also be a lazy bastard when he's not at work, which I suppose he's entitled to in moderation IE "him time" but some help with childcare (when he's off work) wouldn't go amiss.”

Thankfully others have already pointed out that it’s not “help with childcare” - it’s called doing his share of the parenting!

When he’s not working you should share the childcare and housework and get equal “me time”. And even if you agree to do all/most of the night wakings because he does his Very Important Man Job (paid work) whereas you “just” look after a 8 month old all day long... I am guessing that you are probably as tired as him if not more so and he should be enabling you to get some rest and/or sleep.

It’s a bit late now but it doesn’t seem a very sensible to have another child already given how useless he is with this one so far.

gamerchick · 23/09/2018 21:45

Fuck me, people will be bleating LTB and turn yourself into social services next. Grin

The whiney arses have either never experienced this, have forgotten or don't have kids. Or maybe just liers who like to hide behind sanctimony to make themselves feel better Hmm

OP do yourself a favour and hide the thread, there are people who can't tell the difference between full on screaming and a whiney kid and will use that as a stick to best you with.

Then give your bloke a poke and tell him you're going to have a bath every evening for half an hour to decompress and he can take the baby during it. Tell him, don't ask.

AnotherEmma · 23/09/2018 21:49

“there are people who can't tell the difference between full on screaming and a whiney kid”

Actually the OP didn’t clarify until a later post.

To begin with it sounded as if her baby was full on crying and she only explained later that it was more low-level whinging.

Either way I wouldn’t leave my son like that for 30 minutes but OP it sounds as if you were overwhelmed and had enough - we’ve all been there and I don’t think you beat yourself up over it. You do need to start looking after yourself a bit more though. And get more assertive with your useless partner.

AnotherEmma · 23/09/2018 21:49

I don’t think you should

Frazzledkate · 23/09/2018 21:53

This is the worst place in the world to ask this question.

Don't take it to heart! Your baby won't remember this even a teeny bit. Why are people even mentioning cry it out? This is not that at all!

Good lord, two of my babies hated the car and occasionally we had to take long journeys. They cried the whole way and it did my head in. But you know what? I'd didn't affect them in the slightest.

I can't read anymore!

StripySocksAlways · 23/09/2018 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thatstheendofmytether · 23/09/2018 22:01

@C8H10N4O2

Actually in the OP it says baby was crying and was still crying 30 mins later.

Sorry but 30 mins is too long for a baby to be left to cry. 5 mins until you get yourself sorted but how on earth did you relax in the bath with your baby crying alone next door for a solid 30 mins?
I know it's very frustrating, believe me my ds2 wouldn't let me put him down for 12 months solid, but I wouldn't do that again, not his fault he is teething or your hormonal. Sorry OP

MNHQ
EstherMumsnet · 23/09/2018 22:01

Evenin' all. We've had a couple of reports about this thread. We know it is AIBU but remember the OP is pregnant with a young child and is asking for advice. Thanks

gamerchick · 23/09/2018 22:01

I also think there’s a big difference between leaving a crying baby somewhere safe for a few minutes while you calm down or make yourself a drink, and leaving a teething baby crying for 30 minutes

If they're crying they're breathing.

How about instead of getting the pitchforks out recognise this might be a mother at the end of her tether and could do with a bit of kindness than condemnation? It's pretty obvious even from the first post that this wasn't that irrisistable scream they do that jangles every nerve end and even if it was and could be ignored for half an hour then again, a little kindness might have helped.

Someone's OH isn't pulling his weight, concentrate on that instead of bleating about cruelty. Babies are tougher than they look.

Itshardtofindausername · 23/09/2018 22:02

Op please do not feel bad for having some you time and calming yourself down better than losing your rag with your little one.... However I must add I work long nights and still do most of the childcare for our son (DH goes out the door When I walk in and usually isn't home until 1am from work unless I'm working) and he's hands on when he's home to give me a break so there's no excuse for your dp to not help out even if he has worked a night shift. He could of given you an hour to have a bath the gone back to the sofa.... I'd pull him up on it as your going to need more help once the newborn comes along.
Take care of yourself 😀

RavenWings · 23/09/2018 22:03

He will be fine. A one off period of whinging with no attention hasnt hurt him long term. That's what you really seem to want to know I think. In any case once the newborn arrives one or the other of them will have to be left crying at some point while you sort out their sibling!

Really though it is going to be so hard when you've the two, so you need to come up with a plan with dp.

Thatstheendofmytether · 23/09/2018 22:05

I didn't realise your dp was in the house. I would be absolutely fuming with him. He gets a snooze on the couch but you can't get a quick bath?

ButterflyWitch · 23/09/2018 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnotherEmma · 23/09/2018 22:06

Butterfly Angry I have reported your post

woodhill · 23/09/2018 22:07

Well once the new baby is born he will have to whinge.

Really ops OH should have seen to him and let op have some peace

Echobelly · 23/09/2018 22:08

The thing to remind yourself is that human beings are resilient. If you are generally an attentive and loving mum, your baby will not be traumatised if you shout/leave them alone etc once in a while for the sake of your sanity. We'd all be headcases if we were that sensitive. Babies who know that mum is generally available and caring can weather the times when she can't be.

SIL had to leave her son to cry it out when he had been consistently waking for the day at 4am as a toddler, and she had to endure one difficult and upsetting morning of crying, and then he stopped doing it and there's no sign this has traumatised him 9 years later, because there wouldn't be, it was just the one night.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 22:10

DP does help he's not completely selfish, for example when he gets in from work he will stay up so I can go and grab an hours / 90 minutes sleep if DS as had a bad night. .

He cooks too, he does odd bits around the house.

What annoys me is the fact he doesn't wake to DS (or pretends not to) when he's off work

OP posts: