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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been cruel to my baby?

267 replies

NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:16

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

OP posts:
kateandme · 23/09/2018 21:11

I mutter ffs sake at dropping a fork never mind the weariness that omes with babies.gosh the things ive said in my head with them the swear monitor ramped right up.
I think from what im reading you new in ur motherly gut stuff you new he was ok.id like to think you heard the type of crying and new mummy could leave him and he was wimper mutter crying not aching yelping screaming in pain crying.thats what I took from ur post.
there are time a baby will cry turn over cry mutter mutter scream mutter cry.its a process.going to disturb them midflo sometimes actually make it worse because they see you so respond to you responding.
and the of course there is the crying that hits you all the way into ur heels and then nothing would have stopped me from going.
your the mum I think you know.or try to.

Steelesauce · 23/09/2018 21:12

He'll be fine, don't beat yourself up about it. I sat on my front door step a few weeks ago (last week of the school holidays) sobbing for at least 15 minutes while all 3 of my children (all under 6) screamed as I was so overwhelmed. The guilt when I walked back in to my eldest giving me a hug and saying he was sorry for making me cry was horrendous.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 23/09/2018 21:13

OP you sound genuinely lovely, don't beat yourself up for a second more about having left him; you've not scarred him for life.

DS1 was a sleeper, DS2 was a sleep-dodger and I used all kinds of awful swears under my breath when I was exhausted with him, including threatening to send in the UN to investigate the bullshit torture methods being used by him each and every night. He would lie there smiling away nonchalantly.

The teething will pass, and until it does, can you ask your DP to be a tiny bit more hands-on when it's possible so that you feel like you're getting a proper break? Flowers

PrivateDoor · 23/09/2018 21:13

30 mins is a long time to leave a baby crying Sad I also find it weird your dh was able to sleep through it. All very concerning Sad

skunkatanka · 23/09/2018 21:13

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kateandme · 23/09/2018 21:13

and the fact your worrying so much now shows ur a good mum.if you don't like what you did then its still ok.you found something went wrong today.but its ok.maybe there can be new ways to cope or think from her on in.things you need tp put in place so you don't get to that part.
parenting is so tough.dont blame and hate on urself if you fuk up.it will send you into a spiral an this will in turn make you worse at being a parent and the frustration and upset will mount.learn from it,relax into it and be really kind to yourself.you and your baby love eachother like no other.itl see you through.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/09/2018 21:14

As long as I'd done all I could for her.
Winded changed fed cuddled ect. I had no problems or guilt leaving my dd to cry for a few minutes and have a coffee. When they're little like that and so demanding motherhood can drive you to near insanity.
I mean horses for courses amd all that, but. How people say they enjoy that stage I'll never know

strawberrisc · 23/09/2018 21:15

Absolutely haven’t damaged him for life. Even though it sounds stressful you needed that bath. Honestly, don’t beat yourself up.

TotHappy · 23/09/2018 21:16

I've done similar and felt just like you. I don't think it was the best thing for them, I wish I hadn't done it, I wish I could be the perfect mother I want to be and sometimes manage to be.
I hate that feeling that you've let them down and you can't take it back.
The guilt won't go away overnight and like you say you use it to spur you on to do better, make it up to them etc but you are not cruel, so don't hold on to that feeling forever. You love your baby and he loves you. Thank God for that.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 21:17

Dp can be hands on at times but can also be a lazy bastard when he's not at work, which I suppose he's entitled to in moderation IE "him time" but some help with childcare (when he's off work) wouldn't go amiss.

Personally I can't see how he didn't hear me shouting to him, or DS whining, but he claims he didn't.. However

When he did wake up the first thing he said was "is DS OK?" Which leads me to suspect he did hear me and chose not to respond.

In general I cope well with little help, I do think I'm hormonal and a bit overwhelmed though so could do with him chipping in when possible

OP posts:
TotHappy · 23/09/2018 21:20

In fact, what kateandme said. I always look out for your posts kate, because they're so thoughtful and supportive. You are a great mumsnetter.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/09/2018 21:22

Your DP needs to grow up and help with his own child.

FrangipaniBlue · 23/09/2018 21:22

So baby wasn't properly crying, no screaming, wrenching sobs, just whinging and quietly enough that it didn't wake a sleeping DH.

I'm interested in what those who are saying it was too long think is likely to happen in these circumstances?

OP he wasn't hurt or distressed he just wanted your attention, by going running at the first moan you're teaching him that he had you at his beck and call.

You absolutely did the right thing.

Yabbers · 23/09/2018 21:23

some help with childcare
This is the real problem and one which needs sorted.

It’s not “some help with childcare” you need, it is the chidren’s father actually being a father and looking after his own children. It will only get worse with two, he needs to pull his weight.

SlB09 · 23/09/2018 21:24

Ive muttered way more than the 'f' word!! Don't feel bad, we all have that point where we just cant take any more & those who say not are lying or have ridiculously unusually placid children and would never understand. Hell be fine, as long as its not habitual or your finding it difficult more frequently then alls good, if so then speak to your HV xx

kateandme · 23/09/2018 21:27

TotHappy sorry what! :D
have you quoted the right person hehe.that is overwhelmingly lovely of you.wow chucks im all shivery with what you said.thankyou honestly noones ever said such kind words to me.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 21:28

To absolutely clarify no it definitely wasn't full blown sobbing, it was continual "whining"

He has just began to pronounce "Mmm" as I've been trying to teach him to say mama, so think of a an 8mo sounding a relatively loud "Mmmmmmm" noise amidst whinging. That's what he was doing. If he was full on crying / sobbing I'd have been out that bathroom like a shot.

OP posts:
Sellmyhouse · 23/09/2018 21:29

skunkatanka , she already posted that she could hear the baby and the baby could hear her. If it had become a choking situation I’m sure she would have responded, but it didn’t. The baby whinged for a while and was fine. Sometimes parents have to put themselves first for a bit in order to ensure they can actually parent well.

OP, please don’t feel guilty. If you were sitting in the bathtub crying, it sounds like you’re having a hard time at the moment. One of my great frustrations in my current house is that there is literally nowhere I can go where I can’t hear my children cry when I need a break. We’re about to move somewhere bigger and I’m hoping that the utility room might offer a bit of respite in those overwhelming moments.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with your husband about the fact that you’re struggling and need him to step up a little more. And go easy on yourself. These are tricky times, and this one blip isn’t going to change the fact that your son knows he is loved.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2018 21:31

some help with childcare

Its not help with childcare, its parenting his own children and his responsibility as much as yours.

Practicalities of jobs may mean one parent does more of it on some days/weeks but that doesn't mean the other parent gets to abdicate all responsibility for anything other than when it suits them.

You are a partnership - "me time" and finances should be split between you so you both get an equal share of the available leisure/spending money. Without this its not a partnership.

A baby in a safe place whinging and unsettled for 30 mins is not going to come to any harm. Its hardly something you are doing every day and you need some rest too.

IME people who look at you like a monster for doing this in extremis have never had a child who never slept consistently or gave you 10 mins peace. My mother used to tell me with my most troublesome child that if she hadn't occasionally parked my youngest sibling in the pram she would probably have thrown him out the window.

Petitepamplemousse · 23/09/2018 21:31

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Petitepamplemousse · 23/09/2018 21:33

Also - I hope you've given him Calpol now.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 23/09/2018 21:33

Half an hour is too long. As others have said 5 to 10 minutes while you calm down but I couldn't leave mine for half an hour at that age.

StripySocksAlways · 23/09/2018 21:35

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kateandme · 23/09/2018 21:35

op could you ask dp.i know its hard but you've got to be really strong because in the long run you can go on forever feeling strung out and not helped like you SHOULD be.
or if you cant have a "big talk" just take each diferent situation to bring it up so tomorrow in the moment you need help just say "could you take over whilst I take a bath" or im so tired dp can you help out a bit today doing so and so.
you shouldn't be getting to the point of this guilt if there is another option.and that is the DAD STEPPING UP.
if hes a reasonable dp and just like others dads at time just don't have a clue what it takes then try talking to him.calmly and just ask for more help.no blame at what hes not doing and what you are,just you need more help.

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