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AIBU?

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Original poster

Have I been cruel to my baby?

267 replies

NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:16

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

OP posts:
ButtonMoonLoon · 23/09/2018 22:11

For all those thinking ‘oh it’s only a one off, only half an hour’.

www.theguardian.com/society/2010/apr/21/leaving-baby-to-cry-brain-development-damage

AnotherEmma · 23/09/2018 22:13

Wow, 60-90 minutes! How generous!

AnotherEmma · 23/09/2018 22:14

So many women have such low standards for their partners. It depresses me no end.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 22:16

I don't like to ask a lot of him on workdays because his job is very physically demanding and he gets by on 4-5 hours sleep per day himself, but I am going to have to have a serious talk with him about doing more when he isn't working

OP posts:
StripySocksAlways · 23/09/2018 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButterflyWitch · 23/09/2018 22:18

As my previous post was deleted then let me re-word. In answer to you OP: yes.

C8H10N4O2 · 23/09/2018 22:24

@Thatstheendofmytether
Actually in the OP it says baby was crying and was still crying 30 mins later.

Crying is shorthand for a range of behaviours from mild whinging to screaming the house down.

From the OP post 20:57:11:
He wasn't sobbing, but whinging loud enough to have woke me if I was asleep

Ohmyinneedofadvice · 23/09/2018 22:25

Op do not worry some people on here are being bloody ridiculous. It's better for baby and you to take time out rather try to comfort him when your angry and overwhelmed. He was in the room next to you whining not screaming in agony and I'm sure you'd have got out if he sounded really distressed. It is not cruel it's self care and your Ds will not be scarred for life nor brain damaged.
I mutter ffs under my breath constantly that doesn't make you a bad parent.

NTitled · 23/09/2018 22:25

@NameC123 Oh, you poor thing. Of course you haven't been cruel. I was pregnant when my non-sleeper was a few months old, and if muttering a bit and having a long bath is the worst you can do, you are doing very well. Anyone who says otherwise is sorely mistaken. You are obviously a lovely mum, and you will have many muttered FFS moments before your DC go to university (where my non-sleeper is heading now). You will also have moments when you have to leave the room and let them have a meltdown, so as not to add fuel to the flames or say anything you might regret (I did this leaving the room thing with my youngest yesterday - she's 14. I may also have muttered FFS under my breath when I was in my own bedroom).

Please don't lose sleep over it. And when you have a second (or even third, fourth etc) baby, you won't think twice about letting them whinge a bit.

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 23/09/2018 22:38

The research that shows that stress can damage a child's brain is based on children who have been exposed to chronic abuse or neglect, not a few minutes' crying while their otherwise loving and attentive mum is in the bath.

Crunchymum · 23/09/2018 22:41

It's beside the point but I've never sat in the bath for 30 minutes. Even before DC. I get bored easily.

I've had to walk away from my kids more times than I can count but I've never left them to cry for half an hour.

SilverBirchTree · 23/09/2018 22:42

I don't think you did anything wrong. He's fine. And as you said, he was whining not crying

Singingitoverandoverandover · 23/09/2018 22:48

30minutes is far too long. My baby cries when I even go out the room to have a wee. He seems genuinely frightened that I’m never coming back. I could never let him feel like that for 30minutes it’s cruel

SweetnessIWasOnlyJoking · 23/09/2018 22:57

Well, you have done nothing wrong in my opinion, because you won't do that again. It's not like you had a nice bath and it was worth it. It was just a 'you're not the boss of me' move.

I didn't really agree with controlled crying with my two boys, but my youngest was so demented (I mean lovely) that I tried it sometimes. Both accidentally when stuck in traffic for, say, an hour (yes he did cry for an hour) and deliberately when desperate and knackared. It never worked. I don't think you can use controlled crying on a child that won't accept it. So never fear; you won't have done any lasting damage.

Oh, honestly, don't be so hard on yourself. My aforementioned son is now 8 (still tests me) and has been the catalyst for many a swear. In his pre-crawling days he was also responsible for many a hide-in-the-kitchen-and-hope-for-the-bests and daily take-him-outside-to-diffuse-the-noise-into-the-atmospheres. I trust you are doing a great job.

wrenika · 23/09/2018 22:58

I'm not a mum so no practical experience, but I'd think that as long as the baby was safe and not wanting for anything (food, clean nappy, etc) then you taking 30 minutes to yourself while he whinges is not the end of the world. You're not neglecting him - you're more than a mum.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/09/2018 23:06

For all those thinking ‘oh it’s only a one off, only half an hour’.

www.theguardian.com/society/2010/apr/21/leaving-baby-to-cry-brain-development-damage

The very first line of that article refers to a child left to cry on a regular basis - which OP's child is very clearly not.

I've yet to see a single study which shows that very occasional instances of leaving a child to cry (as OP did, or like controlled crying) is bad for them. Whenever people claim this evidence exists they always then point to studies on severely neglected children. I'm actually much closer to an attachment parent myself and haven't ever left him to cry (though mine is only two and half months old, so I haven't been thoroughly tested yet!) but I hate seeing people being made to feel like abusers on the basis of some seriously misused evidence.

HelloSnow · 23/09/2018 23:07

From your first few posts I assumed you were in the house alone.

I can't believe what actually happened is that you were so overwhelmed you were sat in the bath crying whilst next door your 8 month old is whinging/crying, whilst all the time your so called DP was downstairs snoozing ON HIS DAY OFF. I could partly understand if he was sleeping from his night shift but this wasn't even that.

Did you try and wake him before you went for your bath? what did he do?

Singingitoverandoverandover · 23/09/2018 23:18

You all say it’s a one off but if a forum full of people tells the op “oh yeah that’s fine no damage I did that “ etc what’s to say she won’t think, oh ok it’s normal , and do it more frequently.
Shit advice

Frazzledkate · 23/09/2018 23:22

Cause she knows it's not normal and won't make it a once a week thing, just cause we are kind enough to reassure her after a one off incident

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 23/09/2018 23:22

Take it out on your dp not your baby, not his fault that neither of his parents would go to him, or that you are pregnant again. You're teaching him to say mama and then ignore him when he says it? You sound overwhelmed and that is awful for you but I can't say it's was fine for your baby because it wasn't.

Frazzledkate · 23/09/2018 23:22

Course not cause

explodingkitten · 23/09/2018 23:22

You have an 8 month old and you're pregnant? You must be beyond tired.
-misses point of thread-

Frazzledkate · 23/09/2018 23:24

Bees and frogs-you're never going to once ignore your child saying mumma? What emotive crap. Calling bs

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 23:24

Dp tends not to go straight to bed when he finishes the nightshift before his days off (two in a row) so he tends to get home and then stay up until the afternoon, sleep for a few hours, get up and have dinner then go back to bed for the night.

He went to sleep at 4pm today so had only been asleep a few hours by the time I went in the bath. I was going to wake him after my bath so we could eat together as per usual but i happened to need him in the instance DS was upset and I was in the bath. I called to him several times but he didn't hear me or ds whining (so he says) but I can believe it to an extent as he would have been shattered.

I don't particularly like the fact he does that and would prefer he went to sleep earlier so he'd be more productive in the afternoon / evenings but its a pattern he has followed for a while and gives him chance to do his hobby before retiring to sleep.

Conversations definitely need to be had and I've took something from this which means I won't allow it to happen again. I still feel tremendously guilty hours latter butterfly will be pleased to know so yes, shame on me indeed.

I love my little boy he's the apple of my eye and the fact I left him to feel sad makes me feel like a terrible person

OP posts:
Beesandfrogsandfleas · 23/09/2018 23:25

None of us know if this was full on crying, intermittent crying, whinging (which means what exactly?) - not happy gurgling anyway. No one checked the baby hadnt got stuck in his cot or was too cold or soiled or whatever. Letting a baby rumbled when you have checked these things is entirely different. You need to tag team - one of you in bath, one on duty.