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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I been cruel to my baby?

267 replies

NameC123 · 23/09/2018 20:16

I'm pregnant with dc2 and a new mum to DS1 who is 8mo and teething. He is also a relentless sleep fighter and refuses to give in to his tiredness even though he's exhausted. He has been very whiny today, all day, and the usual teething gel and powder hasn't seemed to help much.

After continuously soothing him i put him in his travel cot and turned on his monitor at which point he had stopped crying and I went to get a much needed bath. Five minutes into being in the water he starts crying again, I found myself getting frustrated to the point of swearing out loud and instead of getting out to go and sooth him I defiantly stayed in the bath for another 30 minutes.

He was still crying when I got out but when I reentered the room he stopped and smiled, I'm looking at his little face and feel stupidly guilty for being so deliberately dismissive of him.

Was this absolutely out of order or am I being silly and hormonal? I know people use the 'cry it out method' but that isn't something I've been actively implementing.

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 23/09/2018 20:57

Definitely a five/10 minute breather but not half an hour thats way too long. Its not about being perfect but really he shouldnt have been left crying that long with no soothing or comfort.

User12879923378 · 23/09/2018 20:57

I think half an hour's a bit long. My baby's pretty chilled (she's 9 months) but I wouldn't have left her crying for half an hour to take a bath. 10 or 15 mins if I was covered in vom, maybe. Mind you, I haven't been pregnant and taking care of a teething baby so I don't know if I'm qualified to judge!

sittingonacornflake · 23/09/2018 20:57

I also think 30 minutes was too long and a bit cruel. Sorry. Sad

QuestionableMouse · 23/09/2018 20:58

Give him some Calpol, it'll ease his teething and he'll probably settle better.

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/09/2018 20:58

Yes I do think it as cruel. How relaxing was your 30 minute bath with a baby crying? I've been there, got in the bath, shampoo on hair and baby wakes and cries. Quickest rinse and wash and get out to go to the baby. I really can't see the point of defiantly sitting in the bath for 30 minutes while he cried.

Brokenmyankleandfoot · 23/09/2018 20:59

You should have got your DP to deal with him and tbh I’m a bit surprised you didn’t.

skunkatanka · 23/09/2018 20:59

DP is home, he was sleeping (works nights but is off work tonight and was dosing on the couch)

That changes everything then! Wake him up and tell him you're having a bath.

Oh and benandhollysmum, the reason she won't have time for a bath when the baby's born is because baby's need looking after- like the one she already has!!!

LittleLionMansMummy · 23/09/2018 20:59

That's a long time. I'm surprised you were able to enjoy your bath tbh.

AngkorWaat · 23/09/2018 21:00

Hmm I totally understand leaving them to cry for a few minutes while you get your feelings under control. For me though half an hour is way too long to leave a young baby. I am coming from a position of cosleeping/never using cry it out though, so I’m well aware my opinion could be wildly different to that of others.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 21:01

I used to have him in the bathroom with me whenever I had a bath, but he's far outgrown his bouncer now to the extent its not safe for him to use anymore so I now put him in his travel cot in the next room and put the monitor on when I'm in the bathroom.

I don't get much help from DP which is understandable as he works long nights, but at the risk of sounding absolutely minging I hadn't bathed or showered in two days and was feeling a bit overwhelmed / hormonal.

The guilt I feel now is enough to ensure I never leave him crying for that long again

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 23/09/2018 21:02

That was surely the least relaxing bath ever? My stress levels go through the roof when the baby cries.

User12879923378 · 23/09/2018 21:02

I'm sure it won't do him any harm as a one off.

Justnoclue · 23/09/2018 21:02

Honestly OP don’t beat yourself up about it. Especially if he wasn’t full crying. Sadly on AIBU you will always get told you were out of order so possibly not the best place for posting with the way you’re feeling.

You’re a good mum. You’ve done nothing wrong. And nobody doubts for a second how much you love him. We all love our kids but sometimes they drive us insane. You dealt with this just fine.

Definitely look at sleep training too. Without it DD would have had me sectioned through sleep deprivation torture.

Original poster
NameC123 · 23/09/2018 21:03

Fwiw I didn't find the bath at all relaxing and sat crying for the most part.

I wasn't deliberately "trying to enjoy a bath" I just felt very overwhelmed

I did call out to DP several times but he (is awake now) said he didn't hear any of us

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2018 21:03

30 minutea was way too long but you were in the bath. It was your dh who should have responded. Why do you think he didn't? Did he honestly not hear the baby?

HashTagLil · 23/09/2018 21:04

He was safe, you needed the break, and you stayed away until your annoyance faded. I think you did the right thing.

This. I once left mine crying and stood at the bottom of the garden until I felt calm enough to go to him. Like you, I knew DC was safe in their cot.

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2018 21:04

Is dh usually very hands on?

AngkorWaat · 23/09/2018 21:04

You do sound overwhelmed, OP. I know your OH works nights but 30 mins of help for you to at least wash wouldn’t hurt him too much! Hope you’re ok.

skunkatanka · 23/09/2018 21:05

Could you not have woken DH up before you went in the bath and sent him up to your baby?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/09/2018 21:06

We've all been there. He was safe, and you were clearly at the end of your tether, so you weren't cruel. However I do think that 30 mins at 8 months is much too long. If you do need to cry it out, then better you do it before the new baby is here, but also do it properly, there are plenty of methods but they will not leave a teething baby like this. Or if it's just a break you need, a 10 min shower (or waking your sleeping
DP) is better for both of you than a defiant 30 minute bath.
Do you feel more generally that you are not getting a break? Giving yourself some time out from hands on parenting (even if it's a night time shop at Sainsbury's) can help you cope when things do get tough.
Hope the teething subsides soon, and things calm down

Frazzledkate · 23/09/2018 21:07

I have never sworn so much in my whole life as I do when my babies are less than a year. It brings something out in me! Easier sadi than done but try not to feel bad. Mum guilty is a real thing and can bring you down. Your baby won't remember one bit of this!!

Frazzledkate · 23/09/2018 21:08

Please don't listen to the judgey pants on here that never left their baby to cry/ like to make a mountain out of a molehill.

mumsastudent · 23/09/2018 21:08

huh - guilt - get use to it you are a mum :) it will be something you should do something you didn't something you should have done differently ditto with something you said or thought! seriously read the children's book "5 minutes peace" about mrs large the elephant with 3 d"e"c (!) who tries to have a bath in peace - you need to have a little break from dc for sanity's sake & baby was fine (lungs got good exercise!)

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/09/2018 21:09

Of course you haven't been cruel. It is not just important but Vital that you take time out for yourself even if it is just a few minutes.
You're doing great, i promise. I also promise that I'm not just saying that. Why would I.

EleanorLavish · 23/09/2018 21:10

How much does your DH help OP? It sounds to me like he needs to up his game a bit. 30 mins for a bath isn’t much to ask for a bit of alone time. Do you ever get time alone to properly unwind?
OP has said that he DS was whinging/unsettled, not sobbing, which makes a difference I think.
I have a relative who had 5 under 3 (I know, the thoughts of it!). And her DH worked away a good bit. She said one night one of he babies just would not settle, kept crying. She had repeatedly changed/fed/cuddles her, and in the end thought, donyou know what? I’ve to be up looking after all 5 in am, I need sleep. She is fine.
She slept, baby settled eventually, all grew up and now she is a grandmother!
Sounds like you are doing a fab job, but DH could be contributing more.