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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ring ds's school over this draconian policy and its implementation?

197 replies

stillpinching · 21/09/2018 21:25

DS1 started secondary school this month after a summer of counting down the days and so far he is mainly loving it. They are very big on achievement points and there is competition between the houses for them and extra for whoever gets the most in their house/year etc. Ds has grumbled a bit about how he'll never win etc, but he was a high achiever in a tiny primary school so it was always going to be a shock to the system to be one of 200, and we've spoken a lot about doing his best, taking pride in his work for its own sake and the fact that these systems are always imperfect. Overall, he is happy about the ones he's got rather than moaning about those he hasn't, iyswim. Some teachers have told him they've given him points and then not put them on the system (we get phone notifications) and that's annoying, but I've encouraged him to politely remind them if he can, and to not make too big of a deal of it - though the school does in fact make a big deal of the points...

The school is also big on uniform and pupils carry a card which staff can sign if there is any problem with the uniform, including shirts untucked. Today I saw this card for the first time and saw that ds got a cross on his second day. Apparently he came out of the toilet with his shirt slightly untucked, as did his friend, who also got a cross. However, tonight ds suddenly burst into floods of tears over it and was inconsolable for a time. He is upset because his friend somehow got the tick removed (presumably his parents rang in?) and was there the next day showing round a brand new card. Also, his head of year came and did a 'card check' at some point this week and ds and one other were the only ones with crosses. They had to stand up and she made some comment about how they better not get more etc. Ds says he was humiliated. I think he needs to be resilient and have done my best to play it down, but it was horrible seeing him so upset.

He was so well motivated after attending the taster days last term and all I heard about for days after was what this woman had said in the assembly, but now he feels she hates him. Of course I have played it down and tried to put it in perspective for him, but I'm a bit cross. Of course it was fair he got the cross, but if they're going to be that strict, how did the other boy get a new card the next day and show off about it?

I would like to speak to the head of year as in her position I would like to know that a child had taken my words so much to heart, but perhaps that's silly? While I'm at it, I'd like to mention that teachers should be putting the points on the system if they've promised them, especially since the school makes such a thing of them. AIBU?

OP posts:
Thatstheendofmytether · 21/09/2018 21:29

Wow that sounds like a bit much! They have uniform cards and are being punished for having a shirt slight not tucked in. I would be pretty pissed off aswell OP. Think o would be contacting the school about that.

Alpacanorange · 21/09/2018 21:32

Same at our school. I thinks it’s more about respect for rules and pride in appearance, I can’t get worked up about it.

LynetteScavo · 21/09/2018 21:33

YANBU

Publicly shaming Y7s is not on.

If something at school upset my 11yo so much that they were in tears at home I would have sent an email before they'd had time put their snotty tissue in the bin.

I dint think getting a cross on his card is the issue, but asking him to stand up because if it is bang out of order.

PattiStanger · 21/09/2018 21:33

I would ask the school, i really don't like unfairness in any situation.

Is it a private school, are they worried that parents might take their chidlren out and they'd lose money so are keeping them onside?

Original poster
stillpinching · 21/09/2018 21:37

Not a private school, no. I don't mind the cross, but I'm cross about the other child getting a new card the next day and the head of year treating ds like he's a lost cause over this (slight exaggeration... ).

I don't want to be 'that' parent, but if others are what are we to do?

OP posts:
Kattyy · 21/09/2018 21:37

Suck it up, I think. Not in a mean way. Clearly a private school system you have decided to put him in that takes "pride" in their appearance. Your choice. There is many other things that the school does that you will appreciate later on but don't notice now that are connected to the same values.

MaisyPops · 21/09/2018 21:37

I don't like the sound of that uniform card thing at all, but on the points thing I think he just has to toughen up a bit.

5 lessons a day, 5 sets of points to put on around everything else. Staff might forget. It's really not the end of the world or miss one or 2 points.

I'd ring for a chat about the uniform thing. In my mind idea school is going to be exceptionally tight on uniform (to the point of ridiculous ways of enforcing) then it absolutely has to be one rule for all students. Pick and mix rules doesn't work in any school but it is especially damaging and confusing when it's a highly military style school because it leaves students not really knowing what they stand (and the main argument in favour of such approaches is absolute consistency).

Kattyy · 21/09/2018 21:38

Ok. Was wrong about the private school clearly, but connected to the same ethos I think

Original poster
stillpinching · 21/09/2018 21:39

Clearly a private school system you have decided to put him in that takes "pride" in their appearance. Your choice.

No. Not a private school and the card is a new policy this year that we were informed of during the summer term - not that it would have altered my choice of school, but certainly not something I have chosen at all.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 21/09/2018 21:41

I’d be annoyed about their inconsistency re the uniform cards. I’d probably mention in my communication over the uniform card that if they award points and place importance on obtaining them, they need to follow through and put them on the system. That would annoy me too.

wwwwwwwwwwwwww · 21/09/2018 21:43

I think after a little while he will gain perspective about this. It really is not that big a deal and most kids will very quickly stop caring about the points. It was a little hard giving him a mark rather than a warning in the first week. Probably why the other kid had it removed once the parent complained.

I personally would focus with him on intrinsic motivation to meet his goals and encourage him to forget about the silly system. I'd have a chat with him and say I can call up and probably get this taken away like the other boy did. Or we could have a bit of a laugh about. There's a virtue in being tidy, there's a virtue in doing your best at school. They don't have a lot to do with a card though.

OlennasWimple · 21/09/2018 21:43

Very soon everyone else will have forgotten about what happened on day 2 of the new year. I'd focus on helping DS move on from it too, even though I know that is easier said than done

C0untDucku1a · 21/09/2018 21:47

Tell him to politely and eagerly ask the teachers if theyve put the points on the system.

Phone the HOY and question why the other child had his cross removed.

Try to reassure your child. It will be tough coming from being the top child at primary to one of at secondary.

arsearsearse · 21/09/2018 21:48

I still remember being humiliated by my english teacher at secondary school for some small misdemeanour. It was mortifying for me - I was a sensitive child who was eager to please. Some kids respond well to that kind of stuff and some don't. And while I agree he needs to be able to be resilient, I also think that culture doesn't sound very kind or consistent. Arbitrary rules are as bad as no rules at all, and I thik YABU to hold the school to their own standards.

Hermagsjesty · 21/09/2018 21:48

The pints thing I think he does just need to be more resilient, which will happen over time, but I think shaming him and the other boy in front of the other class is massively inappropriate. And it’s really not ok if one boy had his ‘cross’ removed but your DS didn’t. I’m not quite sure how I’d handle it though... I wonder if you should phone the school saying you’re asking for clarification on the policy, rather than going in complaint mode.

RomaineCalm · 21/09/2018 21:48

personally would focus with him on intrinsic motivation to meet his goals and encourage him to forget about the silly system. I'd have a chat with him and say I can call up and probably get this taken away like the other boy did. Or we could have a bit of a laugh about.

I agree with this. We use the 'Will this matter in 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years?' as a way of helping DC to see things in perspective.

If he tends to take things to heart there is a good book called S.U.M.O. (Shut up and move on) that he might enjoy reading.

arsearsearse · 21/09/2018 21:49

I mean YANBU to hold the school to account!

TwoOddSocks · 21/09/2018 21:50

I think the school are being massively OTT on the uniform policy and it was horrible to pull DS up in front of everyone. I hate the thing to scare them into submission tactics. I'm note sure I'd bother calling in though. It's not going to change the school's policy and attitude in general.

I'd just keep reminding DS to be careful about his uniform to make his life easier but remind him that in that grand scheme of things it's really not important.

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2018 21:53

I'd suck it up I think. Secondaries are quite big and therefore impersobal and some stuff does fall through the cracks, rules are sometimes a bit arbitary or unevenly applied. Your ds will have to learn exactly how much attention to pay to this - when to stand up and say "hang on a sec" and when to let it ride. Minor injustices are part of life (well so are major ones but I think we should do something about those).

He might also learn to keep his shirt tucked in if he doesnt want uniform points - or learn to shrug them off when they inevitably happen.

I wouldnt worry too much about the tears as long s they don't repeat. The first few weeks of Y7 are like the first few weeks of reception. They're all overwhealmed and knackered.

Yabbers · 21/09/2018 21:54

A bit OTT to call it draconian. They want children to take pride in their appearance and are nipping things in the bud. At that age, I wouldn’t want to be the mum calling about house points and uniform crosses. Making an example of kids happens all the time in schools, not great but not exactly abuse. Presumably your son has learned to check his uniform so it shouldn’t happen again.

Original poster
stillpinching · 21/09/2018 21:55

Good to hear I'm not being totally UR. I actually said the line tonight "you won't remember this is a year's time,' but I'm not sure whether it's true or not. I certainly remember some unpleasant things from school...

It's just a bit sad... he was so excited about going there and actually got dressed up in the uniform several times over the summer. He was/is certainly proud of it and is not about to shame them by walking to school with his tie round his head and his blazer in his bag...

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 21/09/2018 21:57

Have you really not figured out how the other boy got a new card?

Original poster
stillpinching · 21/09/2018 22:00

Er...the parent rang in, as I said in the OP?

OP posts:
Bunnybigears · 21/09/2018 22:01

Surely the other boy just said he lost his card and got given a new one? An easy loophole to take advantage of.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/09/2018 22:02

I'd be encouraging him to laugh at the poxy uniform policy and taking it up with the school. Particularly as this sort of pissiness is not what you signed up for. It's important not to back a school up when they start bullying pupils over ludicrous, pointless 'rules' as that is often a danger sign of a school going in the wrong direction.