To ring ds's school over this draconian policy and its implementation?

[stillpinching]

DS1 started secondary school this month after a summer of counting down the days and so far he is mainly loving it. They are very big on achievement points and there is competition between the houses for them and extra for whoever gets the most in their house/year etc. Ds has grumbled a bit about how he'll never win etc, but he was a high achiever in a tiny primary school so it was always going to be a shock to the system to be one of 200, and we've spoken a lot about doing his best, taking pride in his work for its own sake and the fact that these systems are always imperfect. Overall, he is happy about the ones he's got rather than moaning about those he hasn't, iyswim. Some teachers have told him they've given him points and then not put them on the system (we get phone notifications) and that's annoying, but I've encouraged him to politely remind them if he can, and to not make too big of a deal of it - though the school does in fact make a big deal of the points...

The school is also big on uniform and pupils carry a card which staff can sign if there is any problem with the uniform, including shirts untucked. Today I saw this card for the first time and saw that ds got a cross on his second day. Apparently he came out of the toilet with his shirt slightly untucked, as did his friend, who also got a cross. However, tonight ds suddenly burst into floods of tears over it and was inconsolable for a time. He is upset because his friend somehow got the tick removed (presumably his parents rang in?) and was there the next day showing round a brand new card. Also, his head of year came and did a 'card check' at some point this week and ds and one other were the only ones with crosses. They had to stand up and she made some comment about how they better not get more etc. Ds says he was humiliated. I think he needs to be resilient and have done my best to play it down, but it was horrible seeing him so upset.

He was so well motivated after attending the taster days last term and all I heard about for days after was what this woman had said in the assembly, but now he feels she hates him. Of course I have played it down and tried to put it in perspective for him, but I'm a bit cross. Of course it was fair he got the cross, but if they're going to be that strict, how did the other boy get a new card the next day and show off about it?

I would like to speak to the head of year as in her position I would like to know that a child had taken my words so much to heart, but perhaps that's silly? While I'm at it, I'd like to mention that teachers should be putting the points on the system if they've promised them, especially since the school makes such a thing of them. AIBU?

Some teachers believe in the "sacrificial lamb" technique to behaviour management. Personally I think it's horrendous but several staff advised me to use it in my first lesson with each new class when I was training. As the name suggests, it says to make an ott example of someone over something minor, to frighten the rest of them.

Uniform cards are nothing new or certainly not only for private schools.

I'd contact the HoY.

stillpinching

you said presumably, and any head of year/tutor/teacher will just tell you that its school policy so won't give out new cards if you do that.

bunnybigears has it.

Discuss this with the head of year. This is not appropriate.

Well, if I ran a School with a weird card system, kids who lost a card would get a new card with a cross (or two) applied. Mwahahaha (evil laugh emoji)

I rolled my eyes when dd in year 7 said they'd been told if they rolled their blazer sleeves inwards or outwards they'd get a detention as the woman in the uniform shop told us to roll it under as it was too long. It's not any different from taking it up. Having said that i won't say anything as i have a dd in year 10 and she's never found it hard to stick to the uniform rules.
Agree it's a bit mean to make them stand up though

Sorry i mean fold it under once not roll

Well, as a teacher myself, though thankfully not at a school with a similar system, I would have thought losing the card would have incurred a detention, which is also the punishment for gaining 3 crosses. So potential cheaters would just be bringing previously hypothetical punishments to fruition.

I certainly won't ask for ds's card to be replaced with a clean one, whatever I decide to do.

God, when will schools realise how silly these things make them look? Such small minded pettiness! Imagine spending your days treating this stuff as important. Imagine what's it like to be one of the people who dreams this rubbish up and enforces it.

My son's school also has the uniform cards, it doesn't take long for some of them to work out how to create a new one, so they can always have a clean one!

There will probably be a system of recording the number of cards replaced so that pupil's that persistently loose cards will get sanctioned, but not for a first loss

Honestly, interfering will just validate his feelings and make him more reliant on you. He needs to toughen up. He is far too soft and the world won't show him leniency. This is a good lesson for him. He needs to learn to play the game and be unfettered by mistakes. Obviously it is hard watching the school bring mean to him but it will benefit him in the long run. It's ridiculous and harmful to indulge these kinds if wishy washy feelings.

i hope their anti bullying policies are as stringent.

Presumably he has a tutor or mentor? If so, I would email them (and possibly also the HoY) and explain what you've said here - you support the school and their policies and encourage your son to follow the rules. However, after receiving a mark on his uniform card along with another child, you understand that the mark was then removed from this other child's card. Your son is understandably upset at appearing to be singled out by the head of year, and you are finding it difficult to support the school's policy in this case since it does not seem to be being applied consistently.

Just encourage the kids to treat the cards as ridiculous while emphasising the need to work hard and be courteous. Learning to treat petty bullying with cheerful indifference is an excellent life lesson. It drives the bullies fucking mad, but there is nothing they can do about it.

I remember someone finding the cards in my form tutor's drawer when I was at school and liberally handing out spares when they were out of the room

I'd be encouraging him to laugh at the poxy uniform policy and taking it up with the school. Particularly as this sort of pissiness is not what you signed up for

When choosing a school I would think that you were impressed by the standards of the school but now you don't think they should apply to your child. Encouraging your son to laugh at the school rules, which are what you signed up for, is the dumbest advice I've heard in a long time.
I used to detest parents who supported the school rules, as long as they didn't apply to their child, remember 'Discipline is what other people's children need'.

Firstly can I say I think this extreme obsession with uniform is ridiculous.

That said my Ds ( year7) had a problem second week with a teacher in a previously favourite subject. He didn’t want to go back . Same teacher today with fresh start , encouragement from home, got praise from same teacher . So watch this space.

The other boy is irrelevant. I always tell my Ds to focus on his own behaviour. I also tell him that these are lessons to learn if he gets in trouble. Be rest assured he will be careful how he dresses now which is what they want.

Our DC school started a similar policy this year. On the first Tuesday DD (yr9) was pulled out and made to attend lunchtime detention for wearing a skirt that was 'too short'. She missed an important netball trial so I rang in and tore a strip off him. ON Wednesday she was hauled up in assembly 'here we go again' she thought. No. This time she was an example of the perfect school skirt.

WTF?

Meanwhile DS who is the schools star year 11 pupil, renown for good behaviour, ate his card when asked to produce it for the head. She laughed and walked away. Who knows whats going on?!

No, YANBU. I’m a teacher and a leader at a secondary school. I’m strict, I’m tough and I’m pedantic about the small things, probably too much so by most parents’ tastes. However, if your son’s school are going to ask the students to be fastidious about tucked in shirts, the staff need to be equally fastidious about crediting promised points. They should also stick to the rules and not bend them by giving out new cards.

ReanimatedSGB is right on the mark. Utterly pointless petty bureaucracy used in an attempt to subjugate people is a tiresome fact of life - I suppose we all have to learn how to deal with it.

The more they worry about the uniform the more actual shit it's going on under their noses that they are turning a blind eye to beised sone poor bugger chosen to make the example of. If they worried about kids being assulted/bullied and the teaching as much as they did about an untucked shirt was all he better off

Schools can get somewhat out of touch with reality sometimes.

I think you would be unreasonable not to raise this with them.

They have a responsibility to their pupils, and frankly this is teaching them a bunch of shitty lessons that will not help them.

"Resilience" isn't about breaking somebody and then demanding they pretend to be unaffected so as not to inconvenience you with their human emotions. It's about making them feel safe and supported whilst teaching them skills to care for themselves when they face setbacks - by which I do not mean damaging and unnecessary ones created artificially.

Pupils should be able to have confidence and trust in authority figures. Both that those figures will treat them fairly and respectfully, but also that they will follow through on their promises. It is not a safe or stable environment otherwise.

Pupils should know that they will not be humiliated in front of their peers. Just like they shouldn't humiliate other people.

Pupils should see their teachers modelling the same standards expected of them. It shouldn't be a case of draconian rules without compassion for pupils, and inconsistency and unreliability from staff. That will only breed frustration, resentment, and distrust.

What you've described undermines all of these. They should be pulled up on it or it will never change.

As an aside, I think schools which enforce uniform "standards" to the extent described here have lost all comprehension of the purpose of uniform or the adult world they are supposed to be preparing these children for. But that can easily happen with people who've never known the bubble outside a school environment.

Please don't worry about being "that" parent. You are the advocate for your child, he doesn't have anybody else on his side. I don't mean treat him like a special snowflake but please listen to him and find out if, there has been some unfairness in the way he was treated. I have a family full of teachers, i get that each child is one of many. However your child only has you so be "that" parent if he is so upset he turns to you be on his side and kick up a fuss when necessary. When In the future i look back at my childrens childhood I won't care what a teacher thought of me, I bloody hope my child(ren) think I had their back and would wrestle lions for them.