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Original poster

Things you should never say in front of childless women

842 replies

Clothrabbit · 21/09/2018 10:51

Just following on from another thread I started, what things have childless women on here had said to or in front of them, or read celebs spouting in public, that really hurt or upset them.

For me:

You don't know what real responsibility is until you have a child.
Having a child makes you less selfish.

OP posts:
AhoyDelBoy · 21/09/2018 10:54

I guess it depends if they’re childless by choice or not?

KC225 · 21/09/2018 10:55

Agree with the above poster.

SerenDippitty · 21/09/2018 10:56

Sigourney Weaver said that she felt sorry for Katherine Hepburn because she didn't have children. Hepburn was 500 times the actress that Weaver will ever be. But that counts for nothing because she didn’t reproduce.

MsVestibule · 21/09/2018 10:56

@ahoydelboy but how would you know? Not everybody will advertise the fact that they're infertile/haven't met the right person/their partner doesn't want one and may just say 'oh, motherhood has never appealed' so they don't have to give an explanation.

ScreamingValenta · 21/09/2018 10:57

I'm childfree by choice. I get annoyed at 'your life isn't complete until you have children'; 'you haven't known real love until you hold your baby in your arms' and that sort of rubbish.

Veterinari · 21/09/2018 11:00

I guess it depends if they’re childless by choice or not?

Nope. I’m childfree and being told:

You don't know what real responsibility is until you have a child.
Having a child makes you less selfish.

Is fucking patronising and rude

Original poster
Clothrabbit · 21/09/2018 11:00

But you rarely know that Ahoydelboy.

OP posts:
EarlyModernParent · 21/09/2018 11:00

Could I add "don't you worry about facing old age on your own?" and "did you have a difficult upbringing?"
I had my children after the age of 40, so I had years of crap comments.

thecatsthecats · 21/09/2018 11:01

DISAGREE with the above (first) posters!!!

  1. You don't know for certain how far the 'choice' was imposed.

  2. Why the fuck does childlessness by choice imply lack of understanding of responsibility or selflessness? Even if it does, it's a bloody rude thing to say to someone.

"Oh hai. You're a lesser being in terms of responsibility and selfishness, cause I have a CHILD don't you know. Cheerio, byyyyeeee."

Of course it's fucking rude.

Original poster
Clothrabbit · 21/09/2018 11:02

I was told by a relative once that the reason I looked young for my age was because 'you've never had the worry of children'.

I felt like saying 'you've never had the heartache of not being able to have children'.

OP posts:
mostdays · 21/09/2018 11:04

Probably shouldn't be saying those things in front of anyone, regardless of their sex or parental status, because they're just stupid things to say.

MaggieSimpsonsPacifier · 21/09/2018 11:05

Before I knew if I could have DC (I was 38 and pretty much the only single one of my friends) - so this is different to those who are struggling or have struggled:

  • not so much what was said, as what was done at work, ie I was given all the late nights and client entertaining
  • the usual shit about holidays and lie-ins
  • “you don’t know what love is until you have a child, you’d do anything for them”
  • “it’s such a shame, you’d make such an amazing mum” (how do you know? An hour of playing with a child on best behaviour is simply not the same thing at all!)
  • “you could meet someone tomorrow!”
  • “you could get a sperm donor”
  • “maggie’ll do it, she’s free at weekends aren’t you?”
  • “god, you’re out every night, aren’t you? I couldn’t do that!”
  • “i’d be so lonely without my bubba” (seriously!)

(On the flip side, to show that I was hardly perfect either, it was only really when I joined MN and started reading various boards that I properly understood things like:

  • don’t ask your newly married friends when they are having kids - it’s not ok!
  • don’t speculate if your friend who’s not drinking is pregnant. It’s not gossip, it’s her business!
  • don’t try and say positive things when people who are struggling confide in you. Just STFU and LISTEN!

Because nobody tells you that IRL, or my friends didn’t. They were too nice to me.)

ScreamingValenta · 21/09/2018 11:06

There are probably conception/fertility-related comments that are specifically hurtful to those who are childless not by choice.

Doobigetta · 21/09/2018 11:06

Can’t people just talk about the 90% of human experience (99% for us Smile) that’s less bloody tedious?

Howtodeal · 21/09/2018 11:09

A close friend once said in front of me 'I find women who don't have children really sort of childish themselves, they've never had to put anyone else first so they can just please themselves like teenagers do'. I pointed out she was including me in that and got 'oh no I don't mean you I mean other women with no children'.

I have a husband, a very demanding and stressful job, a mortgage and debts to pay, a dog, an aging mother....Not quite like a carefree teenager!

BeeBoBoop · 21/09/2018 11:09

Prior to having children i 100% knew what real love was, and am not any less selfish than before- in fact I think I'm more selfish, because I make much more brutal decisions for my family unit at the cost of those outside it- and I think that's true for a lot of parents- they have absolute tunnel vision. Most of my friends don't have kids and are generally better conversation than parent friends.

Also just because you don't have children of your own doesn't mean that you won't experience relationships akin to mother/father hood if you wish to. Takes a village to raise a child.

Original poster
Clothrabbit · 21/09/2018 11:09

I remember some idiot recounting something that had happened to her years ago in one of her former jobs and saying she was really upset at the time because 'before you have children your work is your life, isn't it'?

OP posts:
scarbados · 21/09/2018 11:27

'Women who haven't had children shouldn't be midwives because they don't understand what it's like'.

I knew only too well how it feels to have 3 miscarriages and then lose my only live baby at 3 days old, though.

daisyrosegem · 21/09/2018 11:29

I once had a work colleague say (before I had children) that my life wasn't as important as a parent's life as parents had someone who depended on them...

alligatorsmile · 21/09/2018 11:32

I had DD quite late (38) and had a few comments like this, mostly along the lines of "Oh you'd be a great mum". I prefer to believe that people are much more likely to be thoughtless than nasty; they don't MEAN to be so thunderingly awful, it just sort of happens. As it goes, I am not a great mum and I don't particularly enjoy it, although we do have moments of enormous happiness. I don't regret having DD, but it has confirmed for me that I am not really cut out for motherhood.

Original poster
Clothrabbit · 21/09/2018 11:34

"Your life goes from black and white to colour when you have a child"

OP posts:
Rarfy · 21/09/2018 11:37

Depends on your situation. I've had a few losses including a stillborn. I was told at work i couldnt have a slight variation to start and finish times at work (same hours) because i didnt have children. Except i do. I had to take maternity leave. Only difference is my son is in a grave. Colleague with a baby had just had the same agreed.

VanGoghsDog · 21/09/2018 11:37

I don't have children, more by accident of experience than by choice, but am not sad about it.

I don't care if people say those things, or any things at all about having or not having kids. I probably don't even notice it to be honest.

Autumn2018 · 21/09/2018 11:39

Someone close to me is childless for medical reasons, and she is one of the most insightful people that I know.

She also has more wisdom with my kids than I do. I often ask her for help! And I consider myself a reasonably good parent.

Selfishness is more about personality and choice than whether you have kids. I know selfish parents and unselfish childless people. It's what's in them really.

As for worries? I had more of them before having children. Almost the chaos of having a family has lowered my standards and consequently I worry less than I used to! Or maybe that's just old age.

Wrongwayup · 21/09/2018 11:42

The selfish comment gets me it is supremely selfish to have children which is fine but what isn't is saying that as a parent you are less selfish