Things you should never say in front of childless women

[Clothrabbit]

Just following on from another thread I started, what things have childless women on here had said to or in front of them, or read celebs spouting in public, that really hurt or upset them.

For me:

You don't know what real responsibility is until you have a child.
Having a child makes you less selfish.

However, a lot of what is said has truth in it, I feel. And although I think things or have certain beliefs I wouldn't be so callous as to point them out to others

Wow. Firstly, well done for having such insight into the lives of everyone on the planet that you can say your experiences can be applied to everyone else. And secondly, well, I guess you did just point them out.

Ugh. bold fail.

'before you have children your work is your life, isn't it'?

This. When going through an especially stressful time at work I was once told I was so affected by the stress because I didn't have anything else, such as children, to take my mind of it in the evening.

I have also long suspected that "I need to leave work early for the kids" gets a much easier time than "I need to leave early because I have plans".

I meant had truth in it for me, clumsily trying to point out that everyone is different and we all have different truths but I don't think that came across very well

@Sassenach85 I suppose it would help to clarify which statements you felt held truth for you?

Because a lot of the ones mentioned here are really insulting and I don't see how the could possibly be true i.e. 'you're more selfish if you have kids' or 'work is your life if you don't have kids' or not knowing what tiredness or love is etc...

More selfish if you don't have kids I meant.

But it is fact especially in our case.
It is not offensive thing to say.
You just need to chill a bit.
There are probably a lot more things more tiring than having kids.
Before I had kids I would say all the same things about dare people know how tired I am etc but then I had kids and realised just how permanently tired I and my partner are.
That’s why I laugh at how I used to think. How could I have possibly known how tired having kids was if I hadn’t experienced it?

You are right. Most comments are a load of crap. So the ones true for me would be the fact there's a lot of typical parts of being a mother. Things that most would agree to. Like the exhaustion. The struggles! Also the love/bond. FOR ME it's nothing like I have ever known and as sweet and pure as I could have hoped for. But I know parents who really really don't think about their kids that much. It's something they just "did" and so I really mean that what is true for me is not true for xyz. I do apologise I am not really expressing myself well but can sympathise with the ridiculous comments from personal experience. Life is such a journey with events small and large that shape us and change us and I think the modern consensus that motherhood is the only thing that holds that power is very misguided.

@user1494667160 so it's fact that people don't know what tiredness is until they have kids... Really. You believe that?

Okay...

YOU may have not been as tired before, but it's rude and narrow minded to assume that it's that way for everyone.

*Replying to Peanutss

After my 7th consecutive miscarriage, I was being scanned (at a reputable london hospital) before an ERPC, I was told by the head of EPU to get a cat instead!! I was lost for words for once!

I do think people who say some of these things are idiots and it's awful but some of them are true and surely everyone thinks things about other peoples lives it's just human nature. Thinking them and actually saying them to a person with out children are different things.

The tiredness one is true though. If you don't have children you can not know the crushing tiredness that comes with them. I always find it strange when a childless person argues the point that they understand they same level of tiredness that a parent does. Or why there needs to be a competitive part to it. If you don't have children (for whatever reason) you can't understand it. Just like I know a man who went through an awful time health wise and underwent chemotherapy. The family told me how tired he was. I can not know what that kind of tiredness feels like because I haven't gone through that situation. I have a child with a disease that makes her exhausted sometimes, I will never know that kind of tiredness. So if I said I was tired and she said to me 'well you have no idea what really exhaustion is until you've experienced an illness that makes you feel like me' I wouldn't be offended. I would think that's fair enough and I don't know that type of tiredness.

I’d say for the majority of people that have kids they are more tired now than before kids.

If you do not have children how do you know that you wouldn’t be more tired after having children?
As I said I thought exactly the same way about peoples comments before I had kids but after I totally understand what they meant.

Your life goes from black and white to colour when you have a child

I'm a huge fan of monochromes, if truth be told .....

I'm childless by choice and now aged 50. No one has never spouted this shit to me in the last 30 years. Perhaps childless by choice pp's need to keep away from smug parents or if they do call you selfish just say "It's great that I can just pop out shopping at the drop of a hat without having to think about anything else, I love just thinking about me".

I mean, I could sort of see what she was getting at, but the implication that a mother's life is more valuable than that of a childless woman really pissed me off, since I am childless myself

Yep, with you on that.. The world won't give a fuck if I don't see the day out — just cos I haven't got any children. Bit harsh, wouldn't you say?

I actually found stupid comments from both sides of the perspective with just as many people slating motherhood as building it up while I was struggling.

All the shitty bits they emphasised - just as much as the amazing wonderful bits. Some of the comments people have shared on this thread though are beyond rude and so ridiculous. I can't believe people think it's okay to say these things?!?

not having children and thinking you know about life is like living on bread and butter and thinking you know about food

Words fail me. Actually they don't. What a crock of fucking shit!

@user1494667160 but the point of the thread was being sensitive to people who do not have children by keeping things like this to yourself whether you think it's true or not and you just came on and did exactly what everyone was saying they find hurtful...

I have fertility issues, awaiting IVF, some in the close family know. Many don’t but suspect I think.

I get:

“I feel so much more womanly since being pregnant, you can’t possibly understand” (Said by SIL always whist stroking her bump and a smug look on her face)

“You don’t know what love is”

“The whole point of life is to have children”

My time is always volunteered for me because I don’t have children and there’s an expectation in the family that I’ll hold all the excess baby things that get passed between siblings “because I have the room for it because I don’t have kids” That one hurt actually because the people behind it know I’m struggling with my fertility.

If you do not have children how do you know that you wouldn’t be more tired after having children?

No one is saying that having children doesn’t make you tired. It’s just fucking rude to tell someone who is tired because they are caring for an elderly parent that they don’t actually know what tiredness is because they haven’t had children.

I used to think like you until I had my own.’ In that case you didn’t think like me because it has never crossed my mind to have one of my own.

oh but you’d feel differently if they were your own’ But what if I don’t feel differently? What if I take your advice, have a child and realise that I was right, what do I do with that child then? I think I know myself better than you know me

You’d have been a great mum, you’re so good with my children.’ No, I am polite and friendly to your children for the half an hour I spend with them because I’m a well mannered person and know how to behave appropriately

I’m 48, I’ve never regretted my decision

This exactly. I'm 51 and have never for a single second regretted my decision.

I think it’s quite hurtful some of the rude comments that people without children say to people with children.

I understand that some comments are rude but saying that you are more tired after having kids is not a rude comment. It’s a fact that childless people do not need to get offended by.

@Sassenach85 fair enough, wasn't clear from your first post.

I know this thread is destined to degenerate into non-childless people shouting 'it's ALL TRUE!' but would just like to reiterate that most of the time what people like to think is an insight into everyone else's lives is just a reflection of their own.

I've been linked to a thread on Digital Spy Forum started by someone who had seen this one.
The sheer thickness of some of the responses she's getting would make you want to bang your head against a wall.