Things you should never say in front of childless women

[Clothrabbit]

Just following on from another thread I started, what things have childless women on here had said to or in front of them, or read celebs spouting in public, that really hurt or upset them.

For me:

You don't know what real responsibility is until you have a child.
Having a child makes you less selfish.

That somehow you’re less of a woman because you haven’t given birth.

I am child free by choice, I don’t have a maternal bone in my body and have never wanted children.

I’ve had -

‘I used to think like you until I had my own.’ In that case you didn’t think like me because it has never crossed my mind to have one of my own.

‘oh but you’d feel differently if they were your own’ But what if I don’t feel differently? What if I take your advice, have a child and realise that I was right, what do I do with that child then? I think I know myself better than you know me.

‘You’d have been a great mum, you’re so good with my children.’ No, I am polite and friendly to your children for the half an hour I spend with them because I’m a well mannered person and know how to behave appropriately.

I’m 48, I’ve never regretted my decision.

But very very true.
I definitely did not know what tired was until I had kids. My partner says the same.
We laugh at the fact that before kids we used to complain we were tired.

She probably meant it was because the children have lost their mother so will have a massive affect on them.

Thank you for this thread! I had my children "late" after years of being childfree by choice, and then a time of being child free not by choice after a miscarriage.

I really hate these sorts of comments now, and I hope if I ever say crap like that then I'll be bluntly told to fuck off. I hope I don't though.

My Narcissistic mother was the worst. We are NC now but the things she used to say to me were shocking.

I was a good aunt to my DN's but always treated like crap and made to feel like a spare part by my awful family.

After my mc my mother had a habit of announcing every birth /pregnancy in the world happening to people I had never met/not seen for years. She would talk wistfully about someone and what a sad lonely life they were leading (according to her) and then say "oh but of course she never had children" as if it were a great tragedy

I swear no one in her circle I barely knew got pregnant after I did - suddenly no more announcements.

and she loved the type of tat that @ScreamingValenta posted. Shame she was such a shit mother. I wonder if all mothers who spurt this crap are similarly despised by their own children? Something to think about..

I'm childfree rather than childless and my personal favourites are along the 'you will never know what Love is' types

I used to work in a job where it was expected that I wouldn't mind working over Xmas because 'Xmas is for kids and you don't have any'

And that user1494667160 is another example of the kinds of insensitive things people with children say.

It implies that anyone childless who complains of tiredness is lying/doesn't know or understand real tiredness be sure they are not a parent.

I've got a manager who equated my cats to children. They are not my children, they are my pets.

Dear lord, there are some thoughtless, insensitive, small minded muppets around! It's like they just cannot get their heads around women not having children, and don't have the imagination to figure out why that might be. As someone else said upthread, people need to engage their brains before flapping their gums.

And no OP, it doesn't matter at all whether someone is not a parent by choice or not - it's still hurtful and insulting. And not all of us fall neatly into one of those camps either

Well done to those of you who dish out bollockings when you've had enough of this nonsense. Some people deserve a short sharp shock.

When people say 'having a family' when they mean 'having children', to describe my home life. Like my family magically stop being my family because I'm now a woman over 30 who happens to not have children.

"... priority for leave at Christmas should be for people with families.." I.DO.HAVE.A.FAMILY.

I hate the "you don't know what love is until you have a child" shite. There are so many kinds of love in this world and all of them are wonderful and valuable. The love I have for my dc is different from the love I have for my husband, brother, parents, friends- but it's not a better or greater or more important or more worthy love, it's just different.

'When people say 'having a family' when they mean 'having children''

Yes, I hate this. When my partner's cousin died, my mother asked 'did he have a family?'. I said yes, he had a mother, 3 brothers, wife, 2 children and grandchildren! They were all his family

definitely did not know what tired was until I had kids. My partner says the same

What a perfect example. Three pages of 'don't say this it's bloody offensive' and someone spouts it again, as though it is total fact.

@user1494667160 you are literally being an example of the type of people this thread is talking about.

It implies that anyone childless who complains of tiredness is lying/doesn't know or understand real tiredness because they are not a parent.

Its also not bloody true! Loads of things are incredibly tiring - working a manual labour job, for instance, being a full time carer of an adult, being a crab fisherman on the Bearing sea I may have watched too much deadliest catch recently.

I also know some incredibly selfish parents, and some incredibly selfless people without children.

user1494667160

Thank you User for demonstrating the sheer insensitivity of some parents towards those without children. I suppose you have a good laugh at someone in chronic pain, or someone caring for a dying parent thinking they are tired? Because of course they couldn't possibly be as tired as you.

And saying you 'laugh at the fact...' is shitty as well. How stupid if the childless people thinking they know what tired is hahaha as if you're in some elite club.

I know what being tired is thanks.

I totally get what everyone is saying on this thread but I disagree with it being unreasonable to say what the poster’s friend said about Jo Cox.

It is more of a tragedy because she left behind 2 small children. Of course it is. If she had been child free then her husband would of course have been devastated but that’s not in the same league as those children losing their mother. He will fall in love and be happy again. That loss will dramatically affect their lives. The only other equal devastation will be that felt by her parents and that would of course have been just as devastating to the parents of a young woman without children. But however you look at it, the tragedy was more wide reaching because 2 young children were left motherless.

But that has nothing to do with the ridiculous things some people say to those without children.

The 'you are so selfish if you don't have kids' one is so strange - I mean what could be more selfish than creating a genetic (near) copy of yourself (or 2, or 3 or whatever), and contributing to an already over-populated planet? I'm not absolving myself of this selfishness because I would have done it had I been able but to pretend that having kids is inherently unselfish is just crazy. Obviously you have exhibit some selflessness to raise children but, as others have pointed out, it's just a selflessness concentrated on raising your own offspring, not the type of unselfishness that's actually contributing to society.

But then I think sometimes it comes from a narrow mindset of 'I didn't have to think of anyone but myself until I had kids and therefore nor does anyone else' and, like many of the awful things said to childless people, it's more a reflection of the person who said it than who they say it to.

Not said to me but once heard a childless couple described as "one of those sad (as in pathetic, not unhappy) childless couples". Like only losers don't have children!

I agree that becoming a parent makes you WAY more selfish! Before I had ds I would drop everything at the drop of a hat for one of my friends if they needed me. Now I'm much more likely to say no, it's inconvenient etc. Not because I don't care, but because it's much harder to be spontaneous with a baby in tow!

"Are you pregnant? Congratulations!" if a woman is overweight.

Don't get me started on school pick ups 4 x4 blocking the road, opening car doors facing onto the road to let kids in/out without ever looking to see if it's safe to do so. Shouting at car users who have every right to be on the road because your children have more right than them. Walking in front of moving cars without looking and expecting everyone else to give way

I hope I'm not intruding on this thread. I'm not childless, I have one child. And yet I get very similar comments.

• Don't you want more?
• Its a bit selfish to only have one. What if he can't look after you when you're older?
• Doesn't he want a sibling?
• I bet he's lonely though.
• He'd be less spoiled/have less autistic behaviours if he had a sibling to fight things out with.
• You don't know what tiredness is until you have more than one.
• Oh you're only X, you should have another soon before you're too old.

Fact is, I'd love to have more, and DS woukc love a sib, but I am single, disabled and parenting a SEN child in my late thirties.

It annoys the fuck out of me. And yet, I have friends desperate to have what I have and I know how much comments about my uterus upset me, so I don't make comments. I don't tell them they don't understand. I listen to them when they want to talk, and I ask how I can support them, even if it's fucking off for a while! Funnily enough those friends are never the ones who say stupid shit to me.

^^
idontknow, now you’re doing the same by grouping parents into one homogenous group. What you’re describing is selfishness and lack of consideration for others. Most of those people would be the same with or without children.

@Helpmefindaholiday yes, you're right I did think after I'd written my post and regretted pressing send. It's the sense of arrogance and complete lack of consideration for others that I really hate

Coming at this from a history of MC and struggles to become a mother, I wholeheartedly agree that these insensitive comments are unnecessary and cause hurt and anger to others. However, a lot of what is said has truth in it, I feel. And although I think things or have certain beliefs I wouldn't be so callous as to point them out to others. I think for me personally, some comments made when I was struggling with MC stung that bit more and flamed angry fired because I knew deep down that some of it was true. I was ill with the thought that I would or could miss out on it. A lot of people don't feel that way whether they have children or not. Some people with kids don't think too deeply about it all and some people have never wanted kids. So it's all relative. But I do agree people need to be more considerate with their words.