Things you should never say in front of childless women

[Clothrabbit]

Just following on from another thread I started, what things have childless women on here had said to or in front of them, or read celebs spouting in public, that really hurt or upset them.

For me:

You don't know what real responsibility is until you have a child.
Having a child makes you less selfish.

Someone once said that really selfish people don't really change when they have children. They just broaden their selfishness to encompass their child as well.

I've also been told I couldn't be a midwife as I didn't have my own children. And why do I work with children when I don't have them? It's like not being a parent means I detest kids. It's like being flummoxed a pilot doesn't have several planes of their own at home- no, I can work with children although I'm unable to have my own. Although I would never say that, you get that sympathetic hand on shoulder, soft eyes awww I'm sorry to hear that.

Also never bloody say- have you considered adoption? Have you thought of fostering? No love I've never even heard those terms, as someone working with children all my life I've literally no experience or knowledge. I've never spent hour upon hour considering if that would be feasible and been heartbroken when realising I can't.

As someone who is struggling with recurrent miscarriages at the moment the 'you don't know what love is until...' comments really sting.

My own DP said it once about his children from previous relationship and although he didn't mean to hurt me it was really quite rotten.

Perhaps I don't love as a parent loves a child but I think to point it out is cruel and unnecessary.

Whether or not someone is childless by choice or some other reason I think the easiest thing to do is just keep your mouth shut in case!

Things like this are what make me feel like less of a person.

Or 'you'll understand when you have kids!' well I might fucking not so piss off! I understand things just fine without thank you.

I think men get it as much, we used to have a local pub and one bloke in there said very loudly to my DH "when are you gonna have kids? You aren't a Jaffa are you?!!" Clearly having no knowledge of our years of trying and multiple miscarriages.... to be fair someone later told him and he was mortified. I think he'll think before he speaks in future!

I find the hardest thing is just being in a group of women who all just talk about parenting and me not being able to join in. They don't realise they're doing it because obviously being a parent is their life, but I do sometimes think "surely you must have at least one more topic of conversation!"

I once had a friend suggest 'why don't you get a dog'.

Honestly I've never felt more pathetic in my life.

She did later apologise and say she just didn't know what to say and it came out but still. People need to think more.

As someone with chronic fatigue, one of the worst things is:

"You wait until you have children, then you'll know what tired is"

Funnily enough, I don't ever remember my mum being so tired she couldn't lift a cup to her mouth, and she had 3 of us!!

I now just bluntly tell them I have a medical condition and they don't know the half of it.

I’m chronically ill and the ones about ‘not knowing what tired/ pain is’ etc really fuck me off. To the point I’m not polite when I respond.

It will happen
You're lucky, as children aren't all they're cracked up to be - I'd the chance to find that out for myself.
You can do what you want with your life.
Have a dog/cat/hamster instead, it's far easier
I've been overlooked for promotion and the reason given (this is true) was that I hadn't got children therefore I don't need the extra money - yet I was more highly qualified and better at my job than the person who got the promotion

I worked with children all my working life. I virtually brought my two younger brothers up as my mum worked full time, I did lots of babysitting as a teenager so I consider myself to know a fair bit about children and yet I get comments like idontknow won't be able to manage to cope with our children as she hasn't got any of her own, but it ok to expect me to cover for my work colleagues while they take their child to the dentist, the doctors, the opticians, shopping, etc if I said I've got to nip off work to take my dog to the vets can you cover for me they'd look at me like I'm taking the piss.

@OP i remember that thread!

it doesn't matter if a woman/man is childless by explicit choice as in they really don't want children or for medical reasons its just fucking rude, its nobodies business why someone doesn't have children and to imply that they are lesser an adult or without responsibility by not having children is wrong small minded and rude.

I am (biologically) childless not by choice, though, I raise my DSS I often get "it's not the same though he isn't yours" my response has gone from polite you'd think that/that's your opinion to

fuck you, he is mine, i feed and clothe him i keep a roof over his head, teach him morals and values, care for him when he is sick or hurt, teach him skills he needs for life, i would risk my life to protect him, i may not have given birth to him but he is still my son, my next child, I won't give birth to either, it will be via surrogate my egg DH sperm, but because I wont give birth to them does that make them less mine...no also I am still my dads daughter even though he never played a part in creating my life, he gave me a life, genetics aren't everything you small minded ...... (then I usually insert an appropriate insulting cuss word) and me departing feeling annoyed but satisfied i have left the idiot speechless

This sort of thing annoys me as well. How is it a reflection on my mum that neither my sister nor I have children?

I was discussing the Jo Cox murder with a friend once who said that it was much more tragic in view of the fact that she was a mother, and that it wouldn't have mattered so much if she hadn't left two young children behind. I mean, I could sort of see what she was getting at, but the implication that a mother's life is more valuable than that of a childless woman really pissed me off, since I am childless myself.

"Tired? You don't know what tired is until you have children!"

Fuck. Right. Off.

I honestly don't understand why people even THINK most of these comments. It makes no sense to me. Why does being a parent, and how that defines you, cause you to think someone else's life is not relevant and as full/ interesting/ challenging etc as yours?

When I went back to work after maternity leave, a woman in the office was complaining about being really tired. Then she got embarrassed and said she was sorry and she knows I probably have far more reason to be tired than her. I told her that was rubbish - her tiredness isn't negated because I am up in the night with a baby. We all live the lives we live, with the challenges and the one-up-manship of parents vs non-parents is just so silly.

My best friend is childfree by choice. I have never once looked at her and thought her challenges are lesser because she's not also dealing with children. I get really cross when people make these kind of comments.

I understand what you're getting at , but grown adults shouldn't say twatty things to anyone , about anything. It annoys me that some people really don't have the brain power to realise how hurtful their 'well meaning' comments are .

It suits you!

When holding a baby. What does that even mean?? I should carry a baby as an accessory ever day?!

The best teachers are parents - they really understand children, especially the younger ones. You can’t expect people without children to have that knowledge.

Well, I’ll have you know I was a great early years teacher without having children - it’s not in the job spec, funnily enough.

Some people are just supposed to be mums - you’re one of those people.

Yes, I think so too, which is why I’m trying to have a baby. I know you mean well, but it’s not really helping.

I am aware none of these are said with malice, it’s just sometimes it’s tiresome to hear similar things over and over. My best friend said to me - who knows I’m trying to get pregnant - “you’re a fucking fantastic auntie - I trust you with my children’s lives”. No mention of not having children and acknowledging I’m still a valuable influence - I loved her even more for it!

Facebook meme - Grandchildren are the reward for everything you've done right in your life"

Seen online "not having children and thinking you know about life is like living on bread and butter and thinking you know about food"

A close friend once said in front of me 'I find women who don't have children really sort of childish themselves, they've never had to put anyone else first so they can just please themselves like teenagers do'. I pointed out she was including me in that and got 'oh no I don't mean you I mean other women with no children'.

I've had exactly that comment too it sucks.

I'm childfree by choice and so I get told constantly I'll change my mind. Women are the worst I find.

Oh and I'm not to share any kind of opinion about children as 'how would I know.' I'm not a politician either but I have views on politics.

Well look, as a general rule I find it best not to say anything to people (not just women) because you don't know whether they have had the choice not to be childless or whether they desperate wanted children but it didn't happen for them. If you make a lifestyle choice (whatever it is) then I think you should be prepared for people comment on it. But if you haven't had a choice in not having children then it's a bit mean for people to be rubbing it in your face.

Thanks for all the responses. I really hope people reading this thread who might have made some of those comments in the past will take something away from the thread. I realise a lot of these remarks are thrown out casually and with no intent to hurt but those of us who have had to cope with the pain of seeing all our friends, old schoolmates and peers at work having babies; then seeing younger women start to have children; then see our friends start to experience the joys of being grandparents really do know a thing or two about worry and pain and the realities of life. So please don't imply we don't.

Well...having children certainly did make me less selfish and dramatically more tired. I had no concept of sleeplessness before or that I could survive on 3 hours sleep for 5yrs but, this is just my experience so I’d never say it to anyone else because who knows what they’ve gone through? When we discovered one of our children had SN, we were devastated. Of course, this doesn’t compare to the devastation of losing a child but it doesn’t invalidate our feelings. Likewise being childless doesn’t invalidate someone’s emotions or experience.

@Racecardriver but why should you accept people commenting on any lifestyle choice made by another person? Especially with the implication that you are lesser or don't understand something because of it. It's rude and no one else's business.

"You are so lucky you don't have kids!"

I've had this said to me more times than I can remember, once just after a failed IVF attempt which was particularly bad. I've never had the strength, but would love to, to point out how incredibly unlucky I am not to have kids but I guess my point is please don't say this to childless people unless you are 100% sure they are childfree by choice - i.e. they have explicitly said this to you. Don't assume that everyone has made a choice not to have children.

"You are so lucky you don't have kids!"

That’s an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

@peanuts be a use its a part of life? Some people are rude. One just has to be a grown up about it and learn to shrug it off.

No children... been told...Don’t be so selfish, what makes you special (said by a family member to me!)