Father now wants to be called Daddy, CAFCAS involved.

[BedloeIsland]

3 yo multicultural child has a UK Father and non-UK royal maternal line. As a show of unity (following DV, other acts and absence from childs life) the tribal leaders agreed that the royal childs Father be given a royal tribal title - Papa followed by his Name ie Papa Xxxx. He was fine with this until recently, now he suddenly wants to be called Daddy as my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years has a child who lives with us and my child has started calling my boyfriend Daddy (and me by my first name as that is what the other child does). Child has about 10 people the child calls Daddy and 4 people the child calls Mummy (these are mostly people at nursery / other friends parents). These words do not carry the adult meanings to the child and are possibly translated as male career and female career.

The Father has kicked off and involved CAFCAS as he now wants to be called Daddy not Papa Xxxx. He has accused me of saying my boyfriend is her 'real Daddy' but Child would not have any concept of this idea (and I never said this).

CAFCAS said that we live in England and have to follow English customs and that he is now to be known as Daddy and I have to explain this to a barely 3 yo and enforce it... but I think

1. This is unreasonable as child can't even grasp the concept of 1 Mummy let alone this Daddy dilemma
2. The disrespect and dishonour to the tribe. It would be like him dancing naked in front of your Queen then kicking off when he would no longer be invited to key cultural events in childs life. Previously when he was happy to be called Papa Xxxx he would be on the top table etc.. now he won't even be allowed in the door.
3. The real issue is he is jealous of my boyfriend.

Can the courts force me to start calling him Daddy? and why is this not seen by CAFCAS as a positive attempt to bond the different cultures?

Just call him Puff Daddy or P Diddy.

The 10 Mummies and 4 Daddies thing is a red herring. A 3yo bilingual child can be expected to not have mastered two languages yet, it's clearly a work in progress.

@rainingcatsanddog
Your son is from 2 cultures and they are equally important. It's not controlling for your ex to ask that he is called Daddy which is the UK norm. He isn't insisting that you are called a specific name.
It's controlling for OP's ex to ask that SHE calls him Daddy, especially in her language if honorifics are supposed to be used there.
He's free to teach child to call him Daddy when they're together.

Can’t he be both? Daddy at home for domestic things & Papa XX when referred to by the tribe or while talking to the tribe.

Surely we all have multiple titles.

Your child shouldn’t be referring to random people as mummy/daddy for much longer - by which I mean it is developmental and 3 is quite late (prssumably they have just turned 3). I think you do need to reinforce correct mummy/daddy titles at home while they’re little (although fwiw my dad always called his stepdad Dad - entirely his choice).

But yes maybe make it a language thing initially. Daddy in English and Papa XX in tribal language. Even CAFCASS couldn’t object to that surely?

@Devilishpyjamas

3yo is late for a monolingual child, not late for a bilingual one.
And it's a bilingual child we're talking about here.

I have bestowed a title on my EXH, he is now known as The Tosser, however the DC still call him Daddy, and I refer to him as Daddy when talking to them.

I can understand him wanting to be called Daddy, and his concern that he calls your partner Daddy. How much contact do you have with the tribal elders? How will they even know what you e DC calls him?

I think your partner needs to reinforce the terms mummy and daddy at home, when your child calls him Daddy he needs to say no, I'm not you daddy, I'm X, Y is your daddy. Likewise when you're referred to by your first name, he needs to refer to you as mummy (or whatever term you prefer) until your child is clear what mummy and daddy mean. I agree that it's vital for safeguarding reasons that he only used these terms for his parents and not for multiple adults in his life.

Yes I know tilda but I’d still expect it to be sorted soon.

My kids are bilingual. We use English at home even though it isn't dh's first language, and live in DH's country. I spoke English to the kids all the time til they were each 3, and 95% of the time after that (just use community/ DH's language when they have friends over).

Despite me never having refered to DH as Papa, always as Daddy, they knew to call him Papa (and me Mama) in the other language by 3.

I suspect that this would right itself if left alone, and that using Papa X in the mother tongue and daddy in English would be no problem.

I don't think its so bad the child calls the step dad daddy if he's copying the stepdad's own child, but other adults should refer to him by name if speaking directly to the child (not explicitly correct the child). I'd correct in a low key way with nursery workers!

There are thousands and thousands of children growing up in households where the adults are called one name by one child and another name by a different child. It doesn't cause this level confusion where three year olds are calling nursery managers daddy.

There are also thousands and thousands of children growing up calling their parents and grandparents by other names rather than 'mum' and 'dad' etc. Usually because of language differences. My own dc have a PoaPoa but would say 'my grandma is picking me up from school'.

It's your responsibility to educate your child and teach them who they should be calling mummy and daddy.

I call bullshit on cafcass saying this stuff to you. They have more serious things to be dealing with.

Quite frankly it sounds like you need to get off your royal arse and start sorting it all out.

This means that I can't use Fathers royal title in day to day life with child. If I was allowed to do this, what he refers to himself in his own home would not be a problem.
The child is bilingual, and this is a great argument. I should be able to say Papa Xxxx in sentences in our language.

Surely this is a non problem? in your own language he is Papa xxx, and in English he is Daddy?

The child will pick up soon enough

You're setting your child up for a lot of confusion when they go to school and the other kids are talking about Mommy and Daddy and they don't actually know who theirs are. You just correct at every time and respond when thry use the right name.

I suspect your ex feels a bit weird being called Title Firstname by his child when in the UK it would just be Daddy. Especially when you're then encouraging your child to call another man Daddy.

His Dad might be a dick but he does only have one of them.

This means that I can't use Fathers royal title in day to day life with child.!
Also do you actually want your violent ex to have this honorific?

How do we know the ex is violent?

She said following DV... maybe she wasn't the victim.

She said something in a previous post that seemed to confirm it, although I might have misinterpreted.

But the point remains - if my ex got conferred a special title after we'd broken up would I want to honor him by using it every time I refer to him collecting DC fro school, being late with maintenance, introducing DC to a bevy of unsuitable women

what this really comes down to is you believe your culture where papa x is important should take priority over his culture where daddy is important.

When you say that the kid is calling everyone mummy and daddy is it that actual word he is using or an equivalent in a different language?

If it’s the latter then it’s no issue. Ex can be daddy to his son and those others can be whatever the foreign word is.

If the former then sorry it’s not proper use of the English language and should be corrected anyway! Talk to your child and explain it.

Your kid will very quickly become used to knowing his daddy is papa x and you just make sure you only use those two terms for him.

erm, How do we know the ex is violent?
She said following DV... maybe she wasn't the victim.
(following DV, other acts and absence from childs life)

Do you think she means he was a victim of the DV? then what else could it mean?

Unless your tribe is also all based in the UK why would they even know about it?

It is super weird that he was violent to you and your family's reaction was to make peace by honouring him with a title.

Your child will grow up and think you were really odd for not correcting them sooner regarding calling all sorts of males daddy but not actually using it for his real daddy.

What is all this talk about top table? Are there many tribal events that you all go to where your abusive ex is put at some ceremonious table?

I feel like I should me drunk for this thread. It might make more sense that way.

Your ex probably feels like you are dancing in front of the queen naked then expecting your beliefs to be accepted by him. For me that would pretty much sum up how a father feels when a mother allows their live in partner and other men to call them daddy. That is very disrespectful.

You say you are of royal lineage. If we trace anything back far enough we are all of royal lineage tbh. In this country, we have the main royals, minor royals and then once a few generations have passed by and large, the children cease to be classed as royal unless they remarry into royalty.

For me, the royalty thing is a red herring in this country, which is where your ds lives and from where he will get a lot but not all of his cultural references. You are from a tribe. Generally there are many many tribes in one African country, each of which has royalty and passes the royal line down the generations so very unlike here.

Comparing yourself to being the same as that of the one and only royal family in this country really isn’t the same. For me it’s actually a bit more like having the title of lord / lady or baron / baroness at birth and your tribe bestowing a similar title on your ex.

I totally agree that calling your ex daddy in English and Papa xxx in your language is the way forward.

As a show of unity (following DV, other acts and absence from childs life) the tribal leaders agreed that the royal childs Father be given a royal tribal title

Is it usual in your tribe that DV and ‘other’ acts be rewarded with a special Tribal Royal title? That is so bizarre!

What was the purpose of it?

To honour him for his DV?

To make him go away (Would he say, oh, I was a Domestic abuser, but now I have been given a special name, I won’t do it any more?)

Please explain

Atlantea - well yes, maybe that's why he was given a royal title to hush him up about the DV. She didn't specify he was violent to her.

BF and his child are both English (since records began

Please explain this, too!

@Bombadier25966

"Is there a wedding involved and how much will it cost the tax payer? :)"

what a bizarre comment, can you explain what it means? :)

I assume it's an 'amusing' reference to Eugenie's 'royal' wedding .

I don't think the state gets to decide how you refer to your ex H within your own family. If ex wants to be called daddy surely that's his responsibility. I suppose it would be more respectful to get your child to call him daddy if you can, but really the law doesn't come into it at all (plus maybe you don't feel like being respectful to this abusive man).

If we have I've reached the point at which governmental bodies are dictating how we speak to our children, just go along with it and do what you want at home, I don't see how they could enforce it.