Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

[womanofthesun]

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

[PregnantSea]

You need to have a talk with your mum and come up with an action plan. The plan needs to include a clear date by which they have to be out of the house. You may even end up having to get the police involved.

Sorry you're going through all of this, it sounds horrible. But I promise you that it will only get worse if your mum does nothing

[IsabellaLinton]

Oh my god @cheesemongery, I’m so sorry - what a terrible thing to do to you. I can well understand how it’s much easier said than done

[DoctorDread]

I really wish some posters would actually take the time to read the full thread

What an absolute shit show.

Sorry op. I feel for you and your mum. It must be a living hell.

[LarryGreysonsDoor]

Your poor mum. What can she do now?
You can really kick out someone who is pregnant.

[happybunny007]

Fucking hell, really feel for you x

[ZippyBungleandGeorge]

How old are you? I know you shouldn't have to but can you just move out? If you've tried talking turns them and you've tried talking to your mum in but sir what else you can do. If your mum hadn't kicked them out yet, agrees unlikely to with a baby now in the picture, but it doesn't mean you have to put up with what she does. Seeing it's forcing her daughter to leave might also make her realise how bad it's become. Sorry if you have your own home already it wasn't clear in your updates, if you have moved out, you need to just keep your distance and support your mum if she decides to act.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I hope they start treating your mum with respect. However that sounds unlikely. I’d also interested to know if she owns the house and could move.

cheese I’m really glad you’re safe.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

cheesemongery

OP I can’t really get a handle on what your mum wants. I wonder whether she could work with Women’s Aid?

[Daisydaisychain]

Definitely ask her to move, but don't give her a list of her failings. I agree she's taking the mick, but it's unnecessary. If they stay together there's no point in totally ruining your relationship. You can be assertive and honest about this without telling her how awful she is! Tbh when I lived with mil I found it hard and was glared at whatever I did. She might think your uncomfortable with her using the kitchen - mine was, but didn't like me not using it either. It is awkward being in someone else's house.

[longwayoff]

O dear, bruv sounds like a real catch. It wouldn't surprise me at all if she's scared of living alone with him given she's seen how he treats mum. Messy. I'd move, as suggested. Good luck.

[RockinHippy]

Nice girl my arse

She's a a lazy assed entitled freeloader

YABVU for not putting your put down much sooner

Get rid

[Frazzled2207]

What a mess. I really feel for the baby being brought into this world amongst all this mess.

I agree you need to take matters into your own hands and move out. But perhaps before you do that support your mum in giving them one last push out the door. Her being pregnant will mean the council will find them something, so they won't be homeless.

[Mixingitall]

If the OP’s mother doesn’t have the strength or is concerned about how this will affect her relationship with her son it’s easier to do nothing, remember she does also have a young child.....and is probably exhausted from all of this.

OP, you’re in a place where if you get too involved in your brother moving out you could be blamed, sadly, by both your dm and brother. As other posters have said, it may be sadly easier to move out yourself.

If I were in your position, I would try to not get too involved and watch how the situation plays out when they have a new born. They themselves may realise one room isn’t enough, the girlfriend may wish to have more space, they may not get on when the baby comes and she may move out any way.

[Skyejuly]

Can you and your mum move out?

[Waterfallgirl]

Thanks for updating OP. Apologies if this has been asked since you updated, but the original OP info mentioned your mum’s partner, is he still around? What does he think?
Seems to me you might actually have to get them both out by forcing them to do so, are there are brothers/cousins/sisters/ extended family who could basically be there for THE CONVERSATION, and make sure the message lands.

[H2OH20Everywhere]

Skyejuly Why should the mother move out of her own house?????

[fiydwi]

If it was me, I’d get a locksmith, change the locks and pack all of their stuff and leave it on the doorstep and not allow them to step inside the house until they learn to be respectful.
They would not be sleeping another night in my house and I couldn’t give two hoots how pregnant she is!

[TitsInAbsentia]

Whoah...what a holy mess

First question - is there enough space for a baby in the house (ie it can't really stay in their room, your brother is likely to start moaning he isn't getting his sleep) - if so they need to move out. I'm guessing you can't have that many bedrooms...

Secondly - are you prepared to be potentially be made to look the bad buy in this situation? Because there is potential that your mum will still take his side and you'll look like the one who is making a fuss.

Thirdly - has your mum's partner not said anything? Would it help if he did?

If you and your mum are feeling brave enough I think they need to be told - one month and you are out - out before the baby arrives. They'll try to say you are stressing her etc and you both just need to stand firm and say that THEY have been stressing everyone else out for months.

For what it's worth she sounds like a useless wastrel who has no plans to work ever.

I really hope you can get something sorted.

[ty192323]

Ok, so my son is 44 and his girlfriend is 47 with a daughter who is 12. My son moved in with her in another state, but then things got rough and I found out that she's a criminal using phony social security numbers and bragging about how much she pays for what she buys for him. Her unemployment ran out and all she was getting was child support and alimony from her ex until he got fired. My son was working part-time jobs and she got evicted. I let them move into my home and now I find out that she has a warrant in 2 states. All she does is quit jobs after working there for a month or so and he doesn't work. They argue and fight and now she tells me that she is going to sneak and move out to another different state leaving me stuck with the utilities that they ran up. She keeps taking about how unhappy she and her daughter are and how bad her and my are doing. My house is clustered and even the garage is full of her stuff. Now she wants me to forward her mail when she moves out in a week and a half. I can't stand her now. This was the worst thing I could have by letting her, my son, her daughter and her dog move in here. Then she wants to talk to me about my son. She even told me that all she has to do is call her ex husband to have him beat my son up. I went off on her and I want her out asap, not sitting here saving her money.

[willowmelangell]

@womanofthesun

How are things?

[blubelle7]

Does she not work or go to college or uni? Seriously spending all day waiting for your boyfriend to come home does not sound particularly healthy. She needs a life outside her relationship.

YANBU, no way this would go on under my roof

[BlankTimes]

@ty192323

You have posted on a thread that's been dormant since 12 June 2019.

You will get better advice if you start your own new thread.

[ty192323]

I posted about my son's girlfriend and him moving in here with me. She has a daughter that is 12. I found out now that she has a suspended driver's license as well as my son. She has warrants in 2 states and has been buying fake social security numbers from her friend in her previous state and my son knows this. I'm sick of both of them. Should I report her or just put her out. She said she is moving in 2 weeks but is going to leave my son because he got her truck impounded and she said that her ex husband bought it for her birthday, so he has to get it out but he can't know that my son drive the truck. I am 65 years old and very tired of these overgrown users.

[GormlessLeech]

zombie thread
As said before, you’d get more responses if you started a thread, this one is over a year old, so people will obviously be replying to it, not a new post on it. The majority of posters here are not American, would that effect the answers? No ‘alimony’ or states here, different laws and norms and language use.

[Opinion67]

Needing opinions! My son has been dating a girl since Jan. She is 21 & he is 24... both still live at home. They have previously gotten into some pretty serious altercations at my home with screaming, cussing & pushing. It’s usually because she’s drinking. They had a pretty bad fight a few weeks ago & I said she is no longer allowed at my house... my nerves can’t take all the drama of it...a few times they have drug me in the middle of their arguments. Now, he has come to me & told me she is pregnant... (8 weeks) I told him I would allow her back because he kept asking me.. so I gave in considering the circumstances. Now she tells him that she does like like my husband & me because she wasn’t allowed over here & doesn’t feel welcomed...& is refusing to come back. I’ve told my son to ask her to sit down & talk with me so we can work this out, she’s telling him she will talk to me but has never made a plan to do so. When I try... he says she’s sick & not feeling well. They are planning on getting their own place soon before the baby comes.. I’m afraid I’ll never see this grandchild & I'm not sure what else I can do to try & work this out with her. I’m at a loss... but I feel like I did what I had to do for my own health.
I’m just looking for others opinion on what else I should try... a baby is supposed to be a happy time for grandparents... but With this situation & how she’s being towards me...makes it difficult to get excited! Do I keep trying or just let it go & hope for the best? I’m at a loss for what I should or need do...if anything