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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 10/06/2019 20:42

I would LOVE a crack team like that!

RiotAndAlarum · 10/06/2019 20:42

Oh, no, @womanofthesun

sorry it's come to this. I really wish people wouldn't pull babies out of their arse as some sort of trump card. It's really unfair on everyone. Imcidentally, do you think your brother has been trying assert his dominance in the household and getting back at your mother for "supplanting" him with a new baby of her own? How did the timing work with her baby?

As for your brother's GF, she's in a shit situation now and no mistake!

TopsyTurvy0 · 10/06/2019 20:45

I read this with my mouth open in shock

This is not okay.

I think you should check the difference in your spending since she arrived and now.

You should increase your son's board based on this

If you've spent £100 more each month - his board goes up by £200. Just in case she decides to use or spend more as she is contributing.

Say to you son that although you're happy he's in a happy relationship with ___, and you're okay with her staying over a few times a week. However with her being here everyday you're finding it a big strain on your finances and finding you're struggling.

Your son needs to be aware and also take some responsibility

HollowTalk · 10/06/2019 20:46

Does anyone remember the Guardian Angels on the tube in London? They originated in New York, I think. They'd get onto a tube and if there was any bother they'd sort it out. If we had something like that where people would go to a house and dislodge a cocklodger, that would be fantastic. Child won't go to school on time? Boyfriend's a cocklodger? MIL staying too long? It can all be sorted by MNetters.

dillusionaldog · 10/06/2019 20:50

Prettyvase

You don't say your partner is complaining op.

He must love it!! What red blooded man wouldn't?!

Does your partner contribute to the household expenses op?

Sorry but are you sure your partner and this young woman aren't having a relationship of their own?!

Would be strange her being so brazen otherwise.

May be she enjoys leading him on.

She'll be pregnant next and her mum won't want her back, just you wait!

to be fair i thought prettyvase was on glue that day but....

BumbleBeee69 · 10/06/2019 20:53

this is awful OP Flowers

PerfectPenquins · 10/06/2019 20:56

That poor baby is all I can say, what a selfish pair of brainless muppets!

Handsoffmysweets · 10/06/2019 20:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

managedmis · 10/06/2019 21:11

400 posts and you still haven't kicked her out?

You need it in a different language or what?

mindhowyougo · 10/06/2019 21:14

There is no way I would have her in my house when my son was at work. Man up and talk to them both. Shape up or ship out!

TripleSeptic · 10/06/2019 21:16

There are 3 options

  1. Put up and shut up (where your mum seems to be living,)
  1. Have a discussion, both sides put their case forward and find a way forward together or apart - "son, I love you, this can't go on, I don't have the time, money, or the energy to support you and your ever expanding family, off you pop and find somewhere to live with your partner and child. There's always a room here for you in the short term if you need to get your head showered, but I can't cope with girlf and newborn come August. It's cramped enough with you and her. I've raised you, you have a job, I'm raising your siblings now, you have 8 weeks to get your own wee pad before the baby arrives. This can't be a shock, you've made your decisions and you've had 14 months to plan, and 7 of those I'd have expected you to ramp up your efforts, so what's it to be? Are you staying here with the former arrangements - just you, or going?"
  1. Cut them out - "I'm giving you 4 weeks notice, leave your key on the side board on 10th July. All the best.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/06/2019 21:25

Cut them out - "I'm giving you 4 weeks notice, leave your key on the side board on 10th July. All the best.

And then change the locks, just to be on the safe side.

Passthecherrycoke · 10/06/2019 21:40

There isn’t much point giving advice, your mum isn’t even on MN.

Justaboy · 10/06/2019 21:46

womanofthesun Looks to me like your going to have to sort this hellhole if your mum cannot, which seems the case.

And poor little baby to be:(

Hollyhobbi · 10/06/2019 21:48

Is your mum renting or does she own the house or what?

Rosielily · 10/06/2019 21:57

Why has this situation been allowed to even continue? Does mum's partner support her when son us being abusive? Can't you and your mum and her partner stand up to the pair of them? How old are you??

IsabellaLinton · 10/06/2019 21:58

Your brother is behaving monstrously. Your poor mother - it’s awful, she’s being abused by her own son Sad

lotusbell · 10/06/2019 21:59

Bit confused as in your first post you say your brother is a great cook, and cooks fancy meals while she sits on her arse, in fact any clean/tidying activity, he does it all. Now you're saying he doesn't do any of that. Bit of a turnaround, no? Also, don't understand at all why you pretended to be your mum in this, why not just post as you?
Hundreds of comments, strangers telling you/your mum to chuck them out and they're still there? Sorry, I smell BS.

BentBaastard · 10/06/2019 22:25

TopsyTurvy

437 posts

RTFT

🤬🤬🤬

Lilymossflower · 10/06/2019 22:29

They are both absolutely taking the piss

Lilymossflower · 10/06/2019 22:38

Having read the more recent posts, I think the idea of telling the health visitors and Ss of the situation. Its more likely they would do nothing about it, but maybe they would give them a kick up the ass about needing to get there own place, and could shove them to the country cil etc where they need to go to find housing. Either way, at least you would be able to know you the best you can In the situation

Mishappening · 10/06/2019 22:42

He's 20! - he is an adult - you must talk to him about her making a financial contribution at the very least. I assume he is doing so???

cheesemongery · 10/06/2019 23:00

Thank you for the update OP - as the sister.

I'm disgusted at all the replies saying why have you allowed this? Why haven't you kicked them out? You've just been asking for it. All sorts of abuse towards the mother.

Well let me explain my situation - I have been abused by my adult son for years. I stupidly let him move back in aged 20. Had exactly the same situation as OP. I was SCREAMING for help to get him out. Just to be told all the things you replied with... Kick him out, it's your house. He is 6'5.

He finally left 9 weeks ago and I suffered 3 broken ribs in the process. So all you fucking know it all's all you who know best but have never been there - fucking do one. I'm no pushover - but until you have been there you have no idea.

I'm still recovering.

cheesemongery · 10/06/2019 23:05

OP - Sister,

support your Mum as much as you can IF she wants them out. Is she blinded now by baby news?

If she wants them out you/she needs to tell the council they are going to be made homeless.

They'll have temporary accommodation once the baby arrives and who knows how long it will be until they may get a flat or something, but that it their choice, their life and they have to live with it.

It is such a horrible situation and I really do feel your pain.

kateandme · 10/06/2019 23:07

cheesemongery im sorry you went through this.are yoou ok now.can you focus on a future free of him now?

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