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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

254 replies

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 16:23

I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

OP posts:
itswinetime · 18/09/2018 16:28

I would be honest and say your sorry you were hoping for an adult night and your not up for hosting a sleepover especially this early in the school year when the kids are still getting used to the routine.

ScoobyGangMember · 18/09/2018 16:28

Find an excuse to cancel and don't invite the mum round again. Sadly I think you're going to have to let your friendship slide for the benefit of your DD.

TeenTimesTwo · 18/09/2018 16:29

Say no.

Say sorry, invite was for friend over, your DH is having 1-1 time with DD to give you space.
Say also that your DD is too young to have people for sleepovers.

or

Sorry, DD doesn't get on so well with your DD these days, so not possible. But I'd still love to see just you.

Returnofthesmileybar · 18/09/2018 16:30

What time had you invited your friend over? Could you text her and say "This is awkward but Saturday night I was looking forward to a quiet night, I had planned on getting dd to bed early so we could sit and natter over a bottle of wine. If you need to cancel that's no bother but Saturday night I definitely need "me" time and not a sleepover, we can always reschedule if you can't get out alone"

That gets you out of this weekend at least

Witchofzog · 18/09/2018 16:31

I would follow itswinetimes suggestion. Her dd may want to come but your friend is the adult and needs to learn how to say no. It's cf behaviour if I am.honest

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 18/09/2018 16:33

Maybe you /dd may have d&v before then..??..

fuzzywuzzy · 18/09/2018 16:33

Send her message, sorry have to cancel this weekend. Not up to hosting kids.

You’ll need to be blunt and straightforward otherwise the dd will be there breaking things and making your dds miserable.

You’ll have to cool the friendship for a while I think.

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 16:34

DD has actually asked me to pretend we're sick!! Quite inventive for a 4 year old 😂

I just feel so awkward as my friend is really lovely but it's just not fair on my DD's.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 18/09/2018 16:37

I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!"

How bloody rude!! This brat shouldnt be dictating who comes to your house and what her mother does with her spare time. itswinetime has a good response. No wonder the girl is behaving badly when her mother has no spine. Poor girl - I do mean that, poor girl. She is not going to be popular if she has learnt that throwing her weight around like this is perfectly ok.

MairzyDoats · 18/09/2018 16:37

Make up something for the Sunday morning that means you can't host a sleepover? Is your friend really expecting you to host her DD while she goes home?

MadameButterface · 18/09/2018 16:38

Send her message, sorry have to cancel this weekend. Not up to hosting kids.

this, just send her this

Singlenotsingle · 18/09/2018 16:38

At least you've got plenty of time to cancel. It won't be last minute.

MadameButterface · 18/09/2018 16:39

don't make a lie up, your dd could drop you in it, just be honest and say sorry, haha, no to 4yo sleeping over, what am I Mary frickin Poppins

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 18/09/2018 16:39

you need to cancel. i don't think your friend is lovely by the way. pushy more like.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 18/09/2018 16:41

I would just say you are not planning on hosting any sleepovers until dd is 70 7. That will delay it a good few years. I didn't let them until they were 7 as it meant that they were old enough to behave a bit better and understand the consequences. By saying not hosting it does get you out if someone invites your dd. By the time they are 7 the friendship should have cooled.

Jellyonawonkyplate · 18/09/2018 16:41

See I find this a bit strange. My own friendships, the good friendships where you see each other in evenings etc, are based on honesty. There's quite a big issue here which you aren't being honest about, which will potentially always be a problem whilst the DC are young. You aren't being very fair imo, she will be confiding in you about various things presumably, while you have been colliding with nursery etc amount how awful her DD is. Doesn't sit right somehow.

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 16:44

See I find this a bit strange. My own friendships, the good friendships where you see each other in evenings etc, are based on honesty. There's quite a big issue here which you aren't being honest about, which will potentially always be a problem whilst the DC are young. You aren't being very fair imo, she will be confiding in you about various things presumably, while you have been colliding with nursery etc amount how awful her DD is. Doesn't sit right somehow.

See I feel really bad about all of this. You do have a point and I'm definitely feeling guilty about it. I have tried cooling the friendship but she's quite persistent (in the nicest possible way). I didn't know the way their friendship was going to evolve when I became friends with the mum. This has happened over time and like I say, I feel stuck.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 18/09/2018 16:44

I would do what Returnofthesmileybar suggests, that way you can let your friend know you want her company not her child's.

MadameButterface · 18/09/2018 16:49

ah come on Jelly

no one wants to hear their dc is a nightmare, being 'honest' with the friend would just end the friendship

it all seems very intertwined when they're this age, but as they grow into their own people, it gets much easier to maintain mum friendships even when the dc have grown apart

also, why cause hurt and upset, when there's the distinct possibility they could be best buds next week/next year? it happened to my dd, she had a toxic friendship that I was always up at the school about, as time went on, she became quite good friends with this other child I still may have written to secondary school and asked for them to be in separate forms as they do not bring out the best in one another to put it mildly

anyway, me telling the mother my honest feelings about her dd would only have caused awkwardness and bad feeling.

bastardkitty · 18/09/2018 16:52

You really can't be honest. It won't help. I would say your DD has the right idea. D & V. Oh no. We'll have to leave it for now. Don't make any more arrangements.

FunSponges · 18/09/2018 16:53

Tell her the invite was adults only and you aren't hosting children so she is welcome to come for an adult evening but no children. Her DD was rude and she indulges this by saying her DD had decided to come and let her say she was sleeping over!

Put your children's needs first, however awkward it is.

EK36 · 18/09/2018 16:54

I'm with your daughter, say she's sick so sorry as have to cancel. And never offer again! Your friend was so cheeky to have invited her daughter along too! For a sleepover! For your child's sake you're going to have to restrict this friendship to daytime hours, when the children are in school. Go for coffee /lunch, walks etc. Don't arrange anything during the weekend/school holidays!

SossidgeRoll · 18/09/2018 17:01

She's not going to like it. That's the problem with honesty. She'll be hurt and you're risking the friendship. If a friend said to me "I like you but my DD and your DD aren't friends anymore and she's a nightmare so can you come alone" I'd think: she doesn't like my DD... I'd go all 'Tiger Mom'

How about you say - "ahh, I was hoping you and I would really get to relax. You'd get a night off and I've bribed DD to have an early night. I really want to catch up properly. Shall we do the kids play bit another day and you sneak off?". Thats what I would do but I'm hopeless with confrontation!

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 18/09/2018 17:03

Don't say you're sick, you will get caught out. What time was the evening planned for? Can you say you were hoping for adults only?
If it's early evening, get your dh to bring dd out

Italiangreyhound · 18/09/2018 17:05

"How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help."

Jellyonawonkyplate "You aren't being very fair imo" Or perhaps one could say the other mum isn't being very fair by inviting her daughter along.

"while you have been colliding with nursery etc amount how awful her DD is." If the other child is behaving badly then the OP has a duty of care to protect her daughter. It really isn't colluding.

I am guessing the OP is just bloody embarrassed that she has to spell it out what a bad influence this other child is and she knows this may jeapodise her friendship.

In your shoes I'd
a) cancel the night and don't re-offer
b) cancel the night and re-offer later making it clear it is adult time only
c) tell the mum now it is adult time only but not go into any further details
d) tell the other mum that their is a problem with the friendship of the girls.

I tend to be a quite honest person but even I would find 'd' hard.

OP this situation is not of your making. It is not your fault. Your first priority is to keep your dd away from this potentially harmful friendship now - bearing in mind they may get on later (I've known this happen) and the other mum is unlikely to forget what you tell her.

(my personal choice would be b - maybe I am a coward but that is what I would do!)

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