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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

254 replies

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 16:23

I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 18/09/2018 22:37

how do I get out of the future sleepover invitations?

Just tell your friend the truth.

Your DD does not want a sleepover. No need to explain why unless your friend pushes. If she does, just say they clearly aren't getting on at the moment but that doesn't need to affect your friendship.

If she makes stupid suggestions like going ahead anyway, point out that nobody in their right mind would force a sleepover on a four year old that doesn't want one, That's a recipe for disaster.

Your DD has every right not to want a sleepover with a child who's company she doesn't enjoy.

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 22:45

Yes, the previous sleepovers were what convinced me they aren't a good idea yet. DD agrees. So that has to be a definite no for now.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/09/2018 23:00

Honestly, when the nights start drawing in, kids usually find this term absolutely exhausting. You wouldn't be unreasonable at all for saying that the kids are too tired and excitement needs to be kept to a minimum to give them the maximum chance to catch up on zzzzs at the weekends.

itswinetime · 18/09/2018 23:29

Your cold excuse won't work she'll either know you your faking or pester you on stop! it's Tuesday you have already had the cold for 2 days it won't work for cancelling the weekend you will have a week of see how you feel oh no if your still poorly shall we come and do x y z to help you out. I also think you need to think of the example you are setting your daughter. I completely agree you need to protect her and look out for her but making excuses isn't a great lesson to be teaching a 4 year old for how to deal with friendships. I still think some form of honesty even can we rearrange this weekend as I was really wanting some chill time not extra kids to look after is best.

As for the future you need to be honest! You aren't happy with sleepovers at 4 so I would say that your stopping all sleepovers till dd is older as you think it will be confusing for her she's allowed to go to some places but not others ditto to hosting you don't feel able to till the kids are older so you think it's best no one stays to avoid confusion.

ZenNudist · 18/09/2018 23:49

I think you need to worry more about your dds needs and not be cowed into meeting your friend and her dds needs.

Tell her its a cold. She will get the message shes been blown off.

As for what to do about future sleepovers just say no. Keep citing how tired dd is now shes at school. Say the last few sleepovers were hard on her and she doesnt want to do them for now.

If her dd catches wind of another sleepover (though i think its foolish to do them so young) then be honest and just say different children rub along differently and she can cope with that child.

I wont let my 8yo and 4yo have sleepovers. They are too young. Its not worth the epic meltdowns which would ensue from the tiredness.

Also badly behaved dc dont get invited back to my house. I have a friend who i do reciprocal lifts and favours for but her dc is hard work. I make sure dh chaperones as they behave better. For high spirited dc i arrange park and active playdates not at home.

Kardashianlove · 19/09/2018 10:41

Your friend will definitely know the ‘not well’ is an excuse. The fact your 4 year old cane up with that idea would indicate it’s not the most believableGrin

KC225 · 19/09/2018 10:49

As they have started school you just have to say that 'I'm putting a hold on sleepovers for the present. She is so tired with school and I don't want her to get overtired at the weekends so she is playing catch on Sunday and Monday. Plenty of time for sleepovers when they are older'

MaAnandSheela · 19/09/2018 11:24

I think your friend has also been dishonest. I find it hard to believe she hasn't noticed your daughter doesn't want to be around hers anymore and that the nursery didn't give a more nicely worded mention of separating the girls.

I don't think her daughter decided she's coming along, I think her mother decided as a way to force the girls' friendship to continue. She told her daughter knowing she'd be excited and put you on the spot so you couldn't say no.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 19/09/2018 11:35

I was watching this one yesterday and I wonder how you responded to the friend OP?

KarmaStar · 19/09/2018 11:49

Be absolutely honest op.tell her the whole lot.in an open and friendly way.

Holidayshopping · 19/09/2018 12:03

What have you decided to do?

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 19/09/2018 16:50

Haven't rtft but I would've (and have) said immediately to the child 'oh no x, sorry grown ups only, come and play another time but you're not invited to this Saturday as it's mummies only' or something equally glib. No way would I accept 'she's decided she's coming'Hmm tell her to say no occasionally!!

headinhands · 19/09/2018 17:04

Firstly calm down with the tone. You're working yourself up into seeing this as some sort of abuse.

Secondly tell your friend it's a night off from the kids. Or cancel.

thegreylady · 19/09/2018 17:12

I’d say,”I’m sorry dd isn’t feeling up to a sleepover this weekend. It’s too early in the term and she is exhausted. Can we make this one a grown up night as dd will be going to bed early.?”

Robstersgirl · 19/09/2018 17:50

You need to make her aware of her DD’s behaviour. Why doesn’t she already know how her DD behaves towards yours or the problems at school?

specialsubject · 19/09/2018 18:04

The parenting is so poor that the woman is unlikely to have the guts to fess up to it.

protect your child, tell the truth; ' sorry, your child's behaviour is making my child miserable'. If it loses you a friend, that is lower priority that your child.

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 19/09/2018 18:05

I have a new plan. I'm going to have them both over for 2.5 hours for pizza and tv and then that'll be that! I hope!! Feel too guilty about lying. DD has asked me to please cancel though so I do also feel guilty about that. It's a lose lose! It's my fault for letting it get this far. Lesson learned. Must nip these things in the bud in future.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 19/09/2018 18:07

Make up a reason that doesn't put her DD in a bad position if you want. When DS was in primary school I asked the mum of one of his friends if the friend could come over after school and she said that they were cutting down on play dates because of homework issues and her child having developed a bit of an attitude. I'm pretty sure the it was much more to do with my DS than her DS but it was a kind way to phrase it.

I think it's fine to say that your DD1 is finding school a bit overwhelming so you are cutting down on out of school socialising, or to say that your DD2 is at a bit of a clingy stage so you are steering clear of having kids over.

Holidayshopping · 19/09/2018 18:14

2.5 hours-that’s very specific! What could possibly go wrong!

MingaTurtle · 19/09/2018 18:16

I really think that’s a mistake. It sends a bad message to your daughter — that you would prefer to maintain social niceties with a poorly behaved child than respect your own DD’s valid concerns.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 19/09/2018 18:18

When they land with pj's +Teddy what do you intend to say??
Bad bad idea op.
Very bad idea.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/09/2018 18:19

If you give an inch this person will take a mile

Inertia · 19/09/2018 18:25

I think that’s a really bad idea. I agree the child is likely to turn up with pyjamas, and I expect there will be a tantrum, friend will pressure you into giving in,and it’s lose- lose on all fronts.

You do need to be honest and say that you were looking for an adults night, not a sleepover, and you’ll postpone until friend can get a night to herself.

RangeRider · 19/09/2018 18:27

You do need to be honest and say that you were looking for an adults night, not a sleepover, and you’ll postpone until friend can get a night to herself.
This ^. Honesty (but not to the point of saying 'I hate your child'!) is the best idea because you're not opening yourself up to future problems.

SnuggyBuggy · 19/09/2018 18:27

Even without the bullying issues with your DD you need to nip this cheeky fucker behaviour in the bud.

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