Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

254 replies

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 16:23

I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

OP posts:
llangennith · 18/09/2018 20:49

Ffs OP just stop being a wimp and learn to say 'no'.

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 20:49

So between about half 4 and now you've got a cold that warrants you cancelling the whole thing? The more you say it the more you seem to be believing it yourself

It was last week that I spoke to my friend and invited her over. I've had a cold for the past 2 days. I don't understand why you think this has come on since 4.30??? Is it also cruel when DD is asking me to hide her favourite toys before the girl comes over because she doesn't want them to get broken or when your daughter comes home sad on her first week in school because the girl has been picking on her for what she was wearing? I don't want to delve further in to the massive list of things that have happened because I appreciate 4 year olds are very young and often may not know right from wrong. But it's not cruel of my DD to be worried about her visit to the point of asking me to make up an excuse. That's not cruel at all; in all honesty, it's quite sad that she's in that position in the first place. I'm most certainly not judgy and I'm sure friends DD will come through this phase, but I do have a duty of care to my child and if she doesn't want her to come then, given the history, I fully respect that.

OP posts:
llangennith · 18/09/2018 20:53

You do what's best for your DD just as your friend is pushing the interests of her own DD.

Witchofzog · 18/09/2018 20:53

Thrn just tell her adults only. Your dd will be in bed and will not be available to play with. No normal person will be offended by this. It was her who allowed her dd to dictate the evening so she needs to deal with her disappointment

spacefighter · 18/09/2018 20:53

I would do as you as you and say you don't feel that great and need to cancel this weekend. Then cool things off with your friend and her DD until you feel comfortable with everything again. It's hard when you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but you need to think of your little ones first.

Witchofzog · 18/09/2018 20:55

Your friend will be more offended when it comes out that you were not really that poorly

More2Fly · 18/09/2018 20:55

her key person discussed this with me on numerous occasions and then arranged for them to be separated

I think you need to have a chat with your friend about what the nursery said to nip this in the bud. You'll tie yourself up in knots trying to lie about this!

More2Fly · 18/09/2018 20:57

And say you only agreed on the spot as her DD was there and you didn't want to discuss in front of her

3luckystars · 18/09/2018 20:57

Say your daughter is going on a sleepover elsewhere and her daughter can’t stay.

Then, if you go ahead with your adults evening, say your daughter felt unwell and could t go on the sleepover.

From now on only arrange to meet in adult places like strip clubs etc.

Witchofzog · 18/09/2018 21:02

DONT say she is on a sleep over elsewhere. She will want to know where, with who. And her dd will ask your dd. Just tell the truth- adults only!!

ArrivisteRevolt · 18/09/2018 21:05

Don’t lie but don’t be too honest.

‘So sorry, I am going to have to cancel Saturday night. The week has been really full on and we all need a really quiet weekend - DD in particular! I hope things are well with you and that we can have a proper catch up soon. Message me if you are free for coffee next week’

Italiangreyhound · 18/09/2018 21:07

OP it is fine to exaggerate a cold, IMHO buy don't get into elaborate vomiting illness or other plans. Stick to the truth or as close to it as you want to to spare friends feelings.

I tend to agree with More2Fly that you may need to actually discuss this with your friend. But personally I'd go out for coffee to discuss and not do it at home.

AdoreTheBeach · 18/09/2018 21:09

OP

I had two friends each with absolutely shit children. Really nasty and over the years became quite vile in their behaviour (serious issues now as adults). Both mothers oblivious. Myself and another friend had to keep our children separated from these two as they were bullying both verbally and physically. One instance, throwing snowballs with rocks in them, giving one my daughter a black eye and a cut on the head of her friend - my daughter and her friends were not playing with them, were just in our front garden. Mothers simply said boys will be boys.

We (myself and other friend) had to only see these two mothers in the evening without children. We would word the invitations as ladies nights (separate room, candles, low music, wine and a good matter) or meet out. Ths was until the kids reached an age they did their own thing.

Perfectly acceptable to say you want adult only company after your DC have gone to bed. For this reason, totally agree with Cora’s suggestion. I don’t think you have to give up your friendship, just work it that it’s ladirs only gatherings or outings. This may mean babysitters too.

KnotsInMay · 18/09/2018 21:22

"Hi, friend, I just wanted to say could we revert to an adult only evening on Saturday as planned? Dd is quite done in with starting school, we have a big day out (or early start to something or other) on Sunday, so a sleepover isn't ideal, and to be honest, I just wanted to get the dds to bed good and early and don't want to be dealing with a load of over-excited kids on an evening with you. Hope that's OK" (no question mark)

Does she have babysitting issues?

LotsToThinkOf · 18/09/2018 21:23

I'd be the same as you OP, friendships and relationships change all the time but once you've said something you can't take it back. I'd explain that you're not up to sleepovers just yet and even if this is a one off it'll only encourage more.

You say your friend is lovely but she's bringing her child to your house for you to deal with he next morning. You'll both be having a bit of a drink and a late night, but she'll get to go home child free. CF most definitely.

TomHardysNextWife · 18/09/2018 21:33

You can't be friends with someone when your kids don't get on.

It's really that simple.

vanillapieandicecream · 18/09/2018 21:38

I had this with one of my best friends. So I decided to basically be very busy except for night times and when could we meet up for a drink as I had to get out of the house!

And so, we had a Whatsapp relationship with occasional meets for cinema/dinner/drinks. No kids involved.

Now that the kids are all 8/9 years old, it has been much easier for the last year.

And I would say that DD doesn't feel ready for sleepovers yet, and you don't want to push the issue. It shouldn't require further discussion than that really.

Good luck x

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/09/2018 21:55

Did you clearly and unequivocably say to her DD that you were making it a sleepover? No vagueness at all? Any witnesses? Wink

I would definitely go with holidayshopping's excellent texts.

‘LOL at your DD thinking she was coming on our girlie night! What did she say when you told her?! I hope you did it gently ;) See you at 7.30-dont forget the vino!

If she’s replies saying, ‘oh no-she really wanta to come’-that’s your cue to say, ‘ha ha-no way! I’ve told my DD no sleepovers till she’s 7 and no earwigging on my drunken conversation!!’

Selectively rememeber the playground conversation if necessary. Clearly it was such a crazy idea you just laughed along. Kids are so funny. Was she going to bring her own vodka, ha ha, etc.

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 21:58

Thanks all, can I just ask, how do I get out of the future sleepover invitations? Since DD has stayed with them before and their DD has stayed with us? I don't like sleepovers at this age but it's just difficult now because they've done it previously.

OP posts:
themuttsnutts · 18/09/2018 21:59

The bottom line is you do not want her there and, for whatever reason, that is fine. Do not feel guilty. Just work out the most tactful way of telling her. I don't actually see the harm in telling a white lie if it spares everyone's feelings and avoids any awkwardness.

I must say, this friend (and I mean the mother) sounds awfully pushy and I have met a few like this. Often, there is a reason - either their friend struggles socially or she's looking for a childcare swap and that's something you definitely don't want!

I know it's hard but you'll get better at pre-empting these situations and you will harden to the fact that it's best for your dd and also your sanity

cheesefield · 18/09/2018 22:11

@KnotsInMay suggested reply is perfect. Copy and paste that.

MingaTurtle · 18/09/2018 22:11

I’d just go with not wanting to disrupt your DD’s bedtime routine. At 4 and just started reception adding in extra tiredness from a disrupted weekend is a terrible idea, even if the girls were good friends.

It’s interesting that her DD wouldn’t be in bed when yours is - if she isn’t getting enough sleep that may well be a contributing factor in her poor behaviour. But obviously that isn’t your problem.

AdoreTheBeach · 18/09/2018 22:16

OP, for future issues of sleep overs (as you write they’ve had them before), when you’re asked, decline as you have plans next day and an early start.

Only invite friend over after making it explicit it’s ladies only night, after your children have gone to bed, so there’s no further confusion such as now. Friend has blind sided you right now, but now you’re aware for future.

Kardashianlove · 18/09/2018 22:16

For the future you need to be more direct and specific so when her DD asks, you say ‘oh it’s just me and your mummy this time darling’.

When inviting friend make it really clear ‘I fancy an evening without the kids, do you want to come over and we’ll have a drink’.

FunSponges · 18/09/2018 22:18

Just say "on reflection, I think sleepovers are best left until they are older" and leave it at that. My DD is 7 and we don't do sleep overs.

You really need to get a grip on this, the whole cold thing, how to stop sleepovers. It's your child. You get to say no.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.