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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

254 replies

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 16:23

I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

OP posts:

Iizzyb · 18/09/2018 17:52

Well op honestly your friendship isn't going to survive this one is it?

Bluntly, you need to protect your dc's - that's your first job. How will you ever do that if you continue to see your friend who has similar age dd. You will need to be making excuses all the time forever.

It's cr*p in relation to your loss of a friend but you need to protect dc's. Find a way to cancel this & start gradually distancing.

Witchofzog · 18/09/2018 17:54

If you fob her off with a lie then it will only resolve the weekend.

You need to veto sleepovers full stop and let her know that it will be adults only or she can't come herself.

Allthewaves · 18/09/2018 17:55

I don't get why nursery didn't address this. In ours the mum would have been told her daughter is being put in separate class to x due to these behaviours. Then they would have worked a plan to help her with behaviour

teaandtoast · 18/09/2018 17:55

A bout of d&v is your friend. 😉
Starting Friday evening to get around the 48 hour rule for school.

RandomMess · 18/09/2018 17:56

You need to be straight.

"Sorry you misunderstood but the invite was only for you, if you don't want to come without X it's fine we can cancel"

NataliaOsipova · 18/09/2018 17:57

I agree with the pp who said that, as time goes on, your "mum friend" relationships develop separately from those of the kids. For the minute, though, I think you have to accept that the other mother sees the two as intertwined. So - depends what you want. If you want to maintain this (adult) friendship and it's important to you, you need to be very careful about engineering meet ups where it can only be the two of you (e.g. coffee after school drop off). If you even so much as intimate that you dislike her DD it'll be the death knell for the friendship. In which case, I'd cancel the weekend with something non specific - e.g. "This cold I've got seems to be getting worse and I think DD might be coming down with it as she really doesn't seem herself - could we take a raincheck?".

(Obviously much easier if you're happy to lose/let the friendship drift as you can be much more direct about it....!)

NataliaOsipova · 18/09/2018 17:58

Invite to a restaurant or strip club next time.

😂😂😂

That's certainly another alternative to my "coffee after the school run" suggestion....!

ApolloandDaphne · 18/09/2018 18:01

I agree that you text her to say that you were caught on the hop earlier and didn't want to say in front of her DD but you really just want a quiet adult evening. If she can't come without her DD then you will have to rearrange.

PotteryLady · 18/09/2018 18:01

I would probably tell the truth it's not worth the worry.

NataliaOsipova · 18/09/2018 18:04

The problem with this is that, if in her mind the girls get on, you are effectively saying "I don't want your DD there". Because, if the girls do get on and everybody likes everybody else, it wouldn't be a problem to have her tag along (and, indeed, the natural thing would be to invite her). I would have thought she would take umbrage at this sort of approach.

Peace425 · 18/09/2018 18:04

I have experienced a very similar issue. I am close friends with a Mum whose DD's behaviour almost verges on bullying. Basically I've worked out that her DD must feel very insecure or unhappy; she tries to control the friends she makes - bosses them around - and also likes to exclude friends when it suits her. When my DD started school, she was 'stuck' in a friendship triangle with this DD and another girl. They all knew each other from pre-school.

The way I dealt with it was to talk to my DD about this behaviour, so that it was out in the open. I asked her how these instances felt, and whether other girls treat her that way at school. We established that there were nice girls in the class who did not exclude, or boss. I arranged play-dates with some other girls from the class.

I also taught my DD to respond to this behaviour with particular answers - when told that she could not play, or do something, she now responds "Never mind, I will play with someone else", or even "so". My DD is still friends with this girl, but she has more realistic expectations about how she could be treated, and has a wider friendship group.

As regards your friendship with the mother (I also did not share my concerns with the Mum), it sounds weird to me that she would just announce (or her DD announce) that the child will be coming and (in particular), stay over!! This would be a bit of a red flag to me. Do you feel as if she is more the 'taker' in this friendship? Is it a bit-one-sided, with you going along with what she wants? If so I would make an effort to widen my friendship circle, and aim to be less close in the future. You do not need to cut the friendship off, just set boundaries.

Make up an excuse why it is not preferable for her DD to stay over, or think of a reason to cancel the event.

Holidayshopping · 18/09/2018 18:05

Or, you could text and say,

‘LOL at your DD thinking she was coming on our girlie night! What did she say when you told her?! I hope you did it gently ;) See you at 7.30-dont forget the vino!

If she’s replies saying, ‘oh no-she really wanta to come’-that’s your cue to say, ‘ha ha-no way! I’ve told my DD no sleepovers till she’s 7 and no earwigging on my drunken conversation!!’

RedOrBeDead · 18/09/2018 18:05

I think you have to face facts that unless you know how to be very very convincingly inventive for the foreseeable future, this friendship probably won't be continuing.

Being honest will definitely not work either as no one would be OK being told that you don't like their child.

Allthatglittersisgold · 18/09/2018 18:13

I would say no to sleepover. They are definitely too young for that. But come on? 4 years old? It sounds like you've written this kid off for life. Maybe school will havr done this kid some good. I would let them play. Kids need to learn how to get on with all different people

KC225 · 18/09/2018 18:14

I also agree Cora's text is a good one. Don't start with the sickness lies, it will come out, reception kids are notorious for fessing up. And you will also get the blame for spreading a none existant bug through the class and infecting some kid you have never heard of.

Original poster

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 18:15

4 years old? It sounds like you've written this kid off for life

I absolutely have not written her off for life, what gave you that impression. She upset my younger DD at the school gates just last week. I'm just going off what I've seen recently. Also, DD doesn't want her to come over either.

OP posts:

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/09/2018 18:20

So,OP, what are you going to do?

gamerchick · 18/09/2018 18:20

Don't tell her you're ill. Tell her that something has come up (not strictly a lie) and you'll have to take a rain check. Don't commit to any other dates.

You'll have to find a way of being around this kid to be friends with her mother. It's that simple.

Or take up bingo and invite her to that. That's what I did to make sure their offspring didn't come along also.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 18/09/2018 18:21

I'd also tackle the two year old being tormented and pull the child up every time she does this in future. Maybe blame the two year old being upset for the not meeting up of the kids in future.

This time go with the
text her to say that you were caught on the hop earlier and didn't want to say in front of her DD but you really just want a quiet adult evening. If she can't come without her DD then you will have to rearrange.

Original poster

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 18:22

I actually have got quite a bad cold so kind of want to use that as it's not a lie but just need to figure out what to do when she inevitably suggests coming to pick up DD to give me a rest.

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 18:25

Sorry I should have posted this earlier but when her DD said all this, I sort of agreed to it as I was put on the spot and didn't have any ideas as to how to get out of it. Friend will now not be happy if I go back on that.

OP posts:

NataliaOsipova · 18/09/2018 18:25

Use the bad cold in which case; when she suggests picking up DD, intimate that she too is probably about to come down with it and could use an early night and a lot of rest. Really kind thought etc etc, but you'd hate to pass it on to anyone else!

caroline161 · 18/09/2018 18:26

Text her now OP. Let us know what she said !

puzzledlady · 18/09/2018 18:28

Use the bad cold if you want - but your sort of ignoring the bigger picture and not being honest with her.

trojanpony · 18/09/2018 18:29

I don’t even think it’s dishonest... I just think it’s not at all realistic.

She has a child the same age as yours of course she’ll want to bring her daughter round so she can be “friends” with your daughter too... totally normal behaviour on her side.

Either accept this or just withdraw from the friendship...

Inviting her round on a Saturday for “adult time”...while your daughter is there is just weird.

You are the unreasonable one in all this.

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