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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

254 replies

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 16:23

I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

OP posts:
itswinetime · 18/09/2018 17:06

Lies lead to more lies though they on Monday how is dd is she better did the rest of you get it is she ok to be back at school this quickly? It goes on and csnvrlling then not arranging anything is friendship over anyway plus you will have to either think up lots of excuses or become hard to ignoring her. I wouldn't go all out and say you don't like her dd but the truth is you did just want it to be adults and you don't want a sleepovers so say that!

Italiangreyhound · 18/09/2018 17:06

that there is a problem...

WatcherintheRye · 18/09/2018 17:08

Does your friend ever witness her dd's behaviour towards your dd and your younger dd, or is it always when she's at your house on her own?
Just wondered if the girl would be better behaved if her mother was around. (Although the Mum is a CF anyway, for assuming it would be ok for her dd to have a sleepover without asking you first!)

In my experience, sleepovers are the death knell to a relaxed evening chatting over a bottle of wine. And the children involved don't get any sleep because they're over-excited. It wouldn't be unreasonable of you to point this out, and as pp have suggested, say that your dd is very tired after a week at school, and needs some down time and an early night.

MatildaTheCat · 18/09/2018 17:16

Tell her you need your two to get down for the night and that just isn’t possible with her DD there. They are much too young for evening socialising .Ask if she’d still like to come or leave it for now.

Then establish times to see your friend when the Dc aren’t there if possible or else away from your house and definitely do not allow her DD to manhandle or bully your dc.

It’s really tricky but if you are tactful and she is reasonable it could be ok. Smile

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 17:17

I actually do have a cold... so could play on that a bit as an excuse to cancel and then I wouldn't have to worry about DD dropping me in it? Because it would be "true".

OP posts:
TheObwaldhutte · 18/09/2018 17:19

In your shoes I would find that cold getting suddenly a lot worse. You are shedding virus left right and centre and cancel. You have breathing space then to change the dynamic longterm. You will have to engineer stuff carefully but it is doable.

wineoclock1 · 18/09/2018 17:21

Sounds to me like your friend's husband doesn't want to look after the daughter and your friend doesn't want to pay for a babysitter. It's a bit cheeky.

I agree with the others and tell her that you're not well. Next time you want to see her, suggest going out.

Lostandfound81 · 18/09/2018 17:23

See I find this a bit strange. My own friendships, the good friendships where you see each other in evenings etc, are based on honesty. There's quite a big issue here which you aren't being honest about, which will potentially always be a problem whilst the DC are young. You aren't being very fair imo, she will be confiding in you about various things presumably, while you have been colliding with nursery etc amount how awful her DD is. Doesn't sit right somehow.

Nailed it

And being honest needn’t be telling her that her daughter is a nightmare.

It’s about being sensitive and kind. Being careful with language used so as not to cause hurt but at the same time be clear.

So in this scenario, you simply say you were looking forward to an adult only evening and that no sleepovers until X. If she persists then you say that whilst you and her are very close, your daughters are less so and have drifted apart and consequently best not.
If she still persists, then you say that best to leave it for the time being

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 18/09/2018 17:25

In the nicest possible way (because you sound lovely) you need to stop being a sap and say "No, little Suzy, it's just mummies this weekend".

She sounds like an overbearing child who is not being told NO enough. You may have to mention this to her mother, and you may fall out over it, but I think you would be doing the child a favour if it encourages her parents to be firmer with her while she is still tiny.

Quirkyturkey · 18/09/2018 17:25

I'd just ring your friend and say: "I didn't want to say anything in front of your DD because I didn't want to disappoint her, but I'd really like Friday evening to be just us and a bottle of wine to have a gossip and catch up. If the girls are both together they won't leave us alone!"

I'd leave it at that - no mention of a sleepover. If you're really in a corner, perhaps vaguely suggest you both take the girls OUT together another time. (And then try hard to dodge it!)

CoraPirbright · 18/09/2018 17:25

How about texting:

Hi there! You kind of caught me on the hop earlier and I didn’t want to seem mean in front of the girls but I was so looking forward to some adult time on Saturday catching up with you over a bottle of wine! Not really up for hosting sleep overs just yet - I really do think they are too young at this stage. Can you still make it as originally planned? No worries if not.

Bluetrews25 · 18/09/2018 17:28

How about
'DD is so tired after that full on week at school, we need to keep saturday adults only. If you can't come without her, then perhaps we should leave it this time?'
So it's clear it's friend only or no-go. Friend can choose, her badly behaved DD can't.

troodiedoo · 18/09/2018 17:28

be honest. say you're not up to hosting a sleepover yet, and were looking forward to relaxing with adult company. no sane person would be upset by that.

this isn't going to go away, so nip it in the bud before it escalates.

DarkDarkNight · 18/09/2018 17:36

What time was the invite for? If it was for wine and a film would it not be a bit later when your kids were in bed anyway? I wouldn’t lie and say you were ill, I would say the invite was adult only due to the time

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 17:37

I've just thought... if I say I'm not well, she'll suggest taking DD Sad for a play date or possibly a sleepover 👎🏻

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 18/09/2018 17:40

'Will need to cancel this weekend, sorry, we're both coming down with something. Would have had to say no to a sleepover anyway. Take care and hope you don't catch this'.

Holidayshopping · 18/09/2018 17:42

I would have said at the time her (CF!) daughter said she was coming, ‘erm, no-adults only I’m afraid!’.

As you didn’t do that, you need to try something else. Cora’s suggestion is good. Do it now though.

Your friend isn’t being lovely, by the way- she’s indulging her child and being very rude and presumptious to you.

eddielizzard · 18/09/2018 17:43

I would pull the double sickie. Depends if you fancy addressing it now. In which case I'd say actually we were planning on adults only. DD is too exhausted from school to have friends round and just wants quiet time at home. If your dd is set on coming over, let's postpone to another time.

But she may take umbrage as it's a deliberate 'not invited' for her dd. I also have to say she's a bit of an idiot for assuming her dd WAS invited. She'll know better for next time...

disappearingninepatch · 18/09/2018 17:44

If you say that you're ill, that just gets you out of it for this weekend. If you say no sleepovers until 7 years old, you get out of it for years, if not forever.

hdh747 · 18/09/2018 17:45

If you roll over on this not only are you putting your DD in a position where she is being bulldozed but you're allowing yourself to be and giving her the message that's how to deal with people who bully/boss you around. If you lie and make excuses you're telling your kids that's what's to do.

A simple, 'sorry my X and your Y aren't getting on atm, I think it's best if we don't push them together till they're ready, so do you still want to come over for a mum's only night or would you rather leave it this time?' should suffice. If she's a proper mate she'll understand. If not, do you really want a friendship with someone who won't listen to you and puts her/her DDs desires above all else?

Oddbins · 18/09/2018 17:46

I think we have crossed wires here, it was a girly night I was thinking of I am so over parenting after the summer break and fancied a child free natter. Never mind let me know when you are free and we will rearrange

RangeRider · 18/09/2018 17:46

Cora's suggestion. Sounds perfect to me.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/09/2018 17:46

I don't remember telling DM that I was coming to her adult events. Who the hell treats their 4 year olds demands like that?

I'd go along with your child being too tired from starting school to be up to social engagements and never inviting her to your house again. Invite to a restaurant or strip club next time.

itswinetime · 18/09/2018 17:46

You think your friend is a bit forceful but I think you just don't stand up for yourself there is not reason to lie you organised a adult night she wants to change the plans you can say no!

MyCatIsBonkers · 18/09/2018 17:51

Sorry, but I agree with Jellyonawonkyplate

I find it really dishonest that you want to maintain a friendship with her when behind her back you're hating on her child. Do you think she'd want to be friends with someone who is secretly actively seeking to push her little girl away. I certainly wouldn't.

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