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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

254 replies

NameChangeNameChange5 · 18/09/2018 16:23

I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 21/09/2018 20:11

Why didn’t you cancel on the 19th when you decided to?

Witchofzog · 21/09/2018 20:27

Hmm Why didn't you cancel earlier in the week? You have given your friend no other option now to organise something else and she is going to have to deal with a mega disappointed child who has been psyched up for their sleepover all week. Not cool op at all.

Theboldandthebeautiful1 · 21/09/2018 20:33

I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me....

What a horrible way to treat her.

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 21/09/2018 20:42

I'm obviously not going to be able to please everyone on this thread. If you read the full thread you'd realise that initially I changed my mind about cancelling and (rightly so) got a lot of stick for that as it would have distressed my DD. There are a number of reasons I'm doing things this way. I've already explained it at various points in the thread and many people understood my reasoning for this.

OP posts:
Witchofzog · 21/09/2018 20:52

It's not that you have cancelled. You were totally right to protect your dd. But you should have done it sooner for the reasons I mentioned above.

ChestOfFields · 21/09/2018 20:59

I do understand OP how difficult this has been to get out of, but I'm so glad you finally have (Or will have in the morning!)
The only thing you can really do is remember this and react differently if/when it happens again!

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 21/09/2018 21:48

Thanks ChestOfFields

OP posts:
RangeRider · 22/09/2018 09:56

she is going to have to deal with a mega disappointed child who has been psyched up for their sleepover all week
Given that said child hadn't even been invited to a sleepover I think that is friend's issue - maybe next time she can correct her child at the start and not cause this situation. All she had to do was say 'sorry daughter but it's a get together between Mummy & OP, not you as well'.... Everyone keeps telling OP to toughen up but what about friend - walked all over by a small child!

Witchofzog · 22/09/2018 10:10

@rangefinder. There is fault on both sides. The friend was a cf for allowing her 4 year old daughter to dictate her night and for assuming a sleep over would just be ok. But the op has so far done nothing to discourage this and has allowed said friend and her daughter to believe it is ok and that a sleep over is what is going to happen. She could have said "No sorry. Dd will be in bed and it's adults only Saturday" days ago. She would still have an evening with her friend to look forward to hopefully. Now her friend will be having a disappointing and probably stressful evening when it could have easily been avoided. Also pleading illness does not resolve the problem. It will happen again in the future no doubt too

Witchofzog · 22/09/2018 10:11

Sorry that should have read @rangerider above

PorkFlute · 22/09/2018 10:57

Well given that a lot of people suggested cancelling due to sickness it couldn’t really have been done earlier could it? Yes, her child will be disappointed but sometimes people ARE sick and things get cancelled at the last minute. She’ll get over it and her and her mum can still do something nice.
It may be more honest to tell her friend the real reason she’s doesn’t want her dd over but I’ve never known a person be anything other than defensive when their child is criticised like that. I’m sure the friend will have witnessed her dds behaviour and either doesn’t see a problem with it or doesn’t want/know how to tackle it. If she was willing/able to address her dds behaviour she would be doing it already.

Witchofzog · 22/09/2018 11:20

But she doesn't have to be brutally honest. Saying, no adults only, is not insulting to her friend or her dd. But feigning illness to avoid the situation isn't going to prevent this from happening again.

PorkFlute · 22/09/2018 11:32

Well the op was caught on the hop This time since the friend told her the dd was coming while she was there and presented it as a done deal. No doubt she will be more prepared for such cheeky fuckery in future!
The op may not be handling it as you would but she’s not doing anything awful.

Canary123 · 22/09/2018 15:03

So how did it go today?

caroline161 · 22/09/2018 16:50

What happened ?

Original poster
NameChangeNameChange5 · 22/09/2018 18:07

Cancelled it this morning. Friend was fine about it. Just hoping I deal with any future situations better and nip them in the bud. Dreading the next offer of a play date/get together with the kids 😩

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/09/2018 18:12

Always have the stock response of "need to check the calendar" gives you time to compose your response!

Do not feel guilty for reply "DD doesn't want a play date"

TheBlueDot · 22/09/2018 18:22

Yes just say you need to check you calendar and will get back to her. Then forget or text and say sorry, not free that night.

TheBlueDot · 22/09/2018 18:24

You can also say your DDs are tired so you’re limiting playdates and having NO sleepovers until they are older.

You do not need to tell this woman if you arrange play dates with other friends. If she ever mentions ‘I heard you had x for a playdate’, just say ‘oh yes, DD seems to be making friends’ and leave it at that.

Do NOT volunteer information and make sure you are always putting your DDs first.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2018 18:36

You played it right in the end. Your friend has poor boundaries. I get some 4 yos don’t want their mummy to go out and have fun without them. But that is for the parents to manage and not impose the child’s wishes on others.

I think you should try to look more toward other friendships as well as emphasising wanting to do things as adults. I’m not saying not be friends, more fade out slowly. Take a while to answer texts. Find some excuses to be busy. Tired child just having started school. Finding your feet without dh there. The nights are drawing in now so you feel more sluggish, want or hibernate etc.

Trying to explain to a mother with poor boundaries that her cherub is terrorising your child really is going to be a tall order. I think someone put an idea of how to do it nicely up thread. You can but try. However I fear it will fall on deaf ears.

BifsWif · 22/09/2018 18:36

Honestly, I mean this with kindness but you need to put your big girl pants on and deal with this.

Are you going to get in this state every time she texts or rings? Spending days thinking up excuses and lies? Put your daughter first for gods sake, tell your friend that there are some issues with the girls and you won’t be expecting them to play together until they are sorted. Start showing your child that it’s ok to speak up, and that you have her back always.

I am the biggest people pleaser in the world, but not at the expense of my own child’s wellbeing.

BifsWif · 22/09/2018 18:37

And if it doesn’t go down well? So what! You’ll rest easy knowing you did the right thing by your children.

Unless she’s stupid, she’ll figure out that you’re dodging her and ask you outright anyway.

PorkFlute · 22/09/2018 20:13

Maybe just arrange to go out for drinks somewhere next time then she can’t bring her dd with her. Or if dd is sleeping at a friend/relatives you could invite her over.
If she comes out and asks if there’s a problem between the girls then I’d keep it to you don’t think been getting on too well. There’s absolutely zero chance that she’ll accept her child is in the wrong. If that was a possibility she’d have dealt with it already. Just because you are friends it doesn’t mean your kids will be. There are some of my friends who I can only see adults only because of how their children behave and more the fact that the behaviour goes entirely uncorrected.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 23/09/2018 13:55

Just seen your update Namechange. Can I recommend that the next time your friends try to mess with plans, just say as others have suggested - "I'll have to check the calendar and I'll get back to you on that" and then don't. If someone like the friends DD foists themselves on you just say "I'm sorry about that DD but that doesn't suit this time. maybe another time?" and leave it at that.

Also, don't leave it so late that your friend can't make alternative plans for their weekend nights. It was a bit rude not to cancel earlier in the week when you knew it wasn't going to be going ahead.

Good luck in the future though!

Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2018 21:27

NameChangeNameChange5 well done for cancelling.

In your shoes I'd keep it adults only, next time, be really clear. If necessary just say the girls don't get on etc and give as much detail as you need to. Their friendship may change but you your friendship can continue either way. And remember they are only young, so young, and relationships may improve. Thanks

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