AIBU? Don't want friends DD to visit!

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I have a lovely friend who is very kind and always been there for me.

My DD and hers both attended the same nursery and became friends due to the fact we met up frequently out with nursery. It became apparent that this friendship was quite detrimental to my DD. This is something that her nursery teacher also advised me of and the nursery put a recommendation for them to be put in separate classes at school.

My friend knows nothing about any of this and she loves them being friends. This is likely because my DD is on the whole, quite well behaved. The reality is that her DD isn't.

I have a younger DD who is 2 and she can't bear to be around my friends DD, she lifts her, pokes & prods her and doesn't give her any space whatsoever even when I ask her to stop or when younger DD gets upset.

When her DD has been at my house, she has broken many things in the short visits. My DD and her DD are just very different in nature and my DD had become a bit of a bully victim and wasn't getting any space at nursery to make any other friends. Now that she's at school, she's been keeping her distance at play times but obviously it's early days with school and so she hasn't made any other strong friendships yet.

Basically, I invited my friend over this weekend for some food, wine & maybe watch a movie. Anyway, at the school when I picked up DD, friends DD ran over saying "I'm coming to your house this weekend". Then friend said "oh sorry, she's decided she's coming along too!" and then smiled. Then as we walked along her DD proceeded to say "and I can sleep over". Basically I really don't want this to happen. I'm worried that by having her spend time with DD now, she'll get dragged back into that friendship again. I feel as though I've been bulldozed into something here. I also don't want to have her to sleep over due to her behaviour at times and how she upsets my younger DD. How do I get out of this? AIBU to protect my own DD's needs here? I don't want to fall out with my friend but I just feel really stuck! Please help.

I don't understand why you are going to lie and cancel the whole thing.

Text her saying she's got hold of the wrong end of the stick and it's an adult night. With texting you don't even have to do it face to face. Why should you miss out on your night with your friend? You'll only delay the inevitable.

But like a PP, I also feel that maybe this friend isn't so great if she can tell her daughter she is going on a sleepover to somewhere she hasn't been invited. Big red flag for me too.

I’ve been on the other side of this and it’s incredibly hurtful.

Aren’t you better teaching your daughters empathy for other’s behaviour, the ability to enforce their boundaries and how to talk about emotions, rather than it’s ok to cowardly ghost people when they behave in ways that challenge you ?

Don’t lie to your friend. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to ask “do you have a problem with arranging childcare for Friday evening? If so let’s rearrange as a sleepover won’t work for us this time “

If asked why, say that your kids are too young, not ready for sleepovers yet. Or say that DD is exhausted after her first couple of weeks at school and you don’t want her to have a late night.

My DD is 8 and we don’t allow sleepovers in term time... they mess about, get very little sleep and are absolutely foul and exhausted the next day!

Ps I recently had a similar situation although just play date invitation with a child who is not kind to DD and I was absolutely honest and said that DD wasn’t feeling up to it and I was going to respect that. I don’t think it has damaged my relationship with the mother of that child.

Friend will now not be happy if I go back on that.

She isn’t much of a friend then.

I have to say...you are teaching your daughter that backing yourself into unpleasant situations publicly is ok because you can lie later to get yourself out of them. Not a great life lesson

Just a simple 'Think were coming down with flu, probably not best to spread it to you and your little one, let's reschedule?'

I actually think you've done the right thing in not addressing it. The girl is 4, she upset your DD but you know this is kids stuff and it may or may not blow over. I wouldn't address my friend about it because it's just pointless, all kids do silly things, they grow up and realise right from wrong.

The only thing I would do in future is say 'I need some adult time etc, let's make plans minus the kids.'

*Inviting her round on a Saturday for “adult time”...while your daughter is there is just weird.

You are the unreasonable one in all this.*

She's been invited over in the evening... when my daughter would be in bed.

Inviting her round on a Saturday for “adult time”...while your daughter is there is just weird.

I disagree. When our kids were young, we often had girlie evenings like this where one of us would go to another’s house for a film and some drinks. Especially when one’s husband was working or away. The kids were asleep so probably didn’t even know it happened and it was a cheap evening needing no childcare or expensive cabs.

The kids were all great friends and would have played (or been a nightmare!), but those particular nights were about adult conversation, not kids running around. Both are fine but I can see what the OP means.

Sadly, it appears she’s not going to get it. Please don’t use the ‘I’ve got a cold’ line-get it sorted now and it might be that you WILL get that sort of night after all.

You've had some really good advice here and now you're just wheedling and mithering and you're going to go with the "got a cold" option which is a load of crap and just postpones the inevitable need to say that you don't want kids all over you all the time. I'd put it like that - say you've gone off all children, including your own

I think the only way to get through this with any kind of friendship is to perhaps frame it as “DDs are anxious, and struggling with friends and school, they’ve sunk into themselves a bit and are really worried about having friends over”
But to be honest, you cannot have both here, I know your dd might be finding it hard but maybe work together to teach empathy and tolerance, whilst enforcing boundaries e.g. “don’t touch dd2 like that, ~if she persists~ oh no we said not to do that, you need to say sorry to dd2 X, and then you need to sit on the step until the big hand gets to the number 2, please don’t do it again, if it happens again we will have to call mummy and you will have to go home”
I was a twin with a mum who had lots of mum friends and a sister who was welcome to mum friend things when I wasn’t. (I was quite annoying, but I had glasses buck teeth and an accent from the other side of the country. I was bullied relentlessly.) I am so grateful my mum cut off friendships where I wasn’t welcome. It was so hurtful and fueled almost a decade of bullying from age 7-16

Cripes is all I can say if she is letting her dd dictate the state of play at 4!!

Nbu at all. Seeing as you can’t get out of it easily I would really play on your very bad cold and you’re not up for it reschedule for another but make sure it’s clear it’s for your friend only, no kids. Alternatively, could your dd have a sleepover at granny and grandpa’s?

If you’re worried about her offering to ha e your dd just say no thanks, she’s too young for a friends sleepover

This is just stupid, you dont need to lie. You need to be honest otherwise you will always have to lie and your loyalties are towards your DC not your friend.

Be honest and tell your friend that a sleepover does not work for you and you think the girls need to develop other friendships. Its really not that hard.

Teach your girls to be honest and stand by what you believe rather than lie to get out of something.

Just seen your update. It’s not your fault. She put you on the spot.

I would say “Sorry I hadn’t planned for it to be a kids sleepover and XX put me on the spot a bit earlier. Can we keep it as adults only this time and perhaps arrange a sleepover another time in the future when DD is less tired.”

Teach your girls to be honest and stand by what you believe rather than lie to get out of something.

I'd agree with this in most situations....but not in this one. At least, not if the OP is keen to maintain this friendship. Because nobody - nobody - will take on the chin someone else telling them that they don't like their child. It's worse than personal.

You've had some really good advice here and now you're just wheedling and mithering and you're going to go with the "got a cold" option which is a load of crap

You're right... there's loads of great advice on here which I will be taking on board for future situations. If I manage to get over this hurdle on this occasion, I can utilise a lot of this advice for next time. As other posters have said, there's no reason to believe that things won't change and this girl may start treating my kids better and may become a close friend of DD's. I really don't want to be honest at this stage and I don't think she'll take kindly to me saying it's adults only after me agreeing to it when I was put on the spot. Her DD was so excited about it and it just seems harsh now to say she's not allowed to come but her mum is. I also know her DD can be a nightmare for going to bed so she may still be awake when my friend would have to leave to come to my house, which would definitely cause a drama. It feels as though on this occasion I need to exaggerate the bad cold etc and then be very clear in future about it being adults only. Another point is that my DH works away so I'm on my own with my 2 kids and I've got the cold, so in all honesty, cancelling the plans would probably do me the world of good.

I wouldn't be honest about finding her DD annoying as any mum would find that hurtful. I'd just say your DD is exhausted from school and will be all tired and emotional and you planned to get her to bed early and then have her over.

She can't be cross with you over that.

If she offers to have DD you just say DD wants to stay home!

On the face of it, you have no obligation to have her DD round and the way they've gone about it is cheeky. Could you arrange a sleepover for your DD elsewhere? Text your friend, tell her that her DD caught you a bit off guard and that your DD won't actually be home.

That said, I'm at the idea that this child has been so acutely badly behaved towards your DD that nursery have advised school very specifically to keep them separate but that this is an issue the child's mother seems oblivious to. There's something not quite right about what you're telling us here but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't change that you're quite reasonable to not have this child over if you don't like her.

This is spot on

That said, I'm hmm at the idea that this child has been so acutely badly behaved towards your DD that nursery have advised school very specifically to keep them separate but that this is an issue the child's mother seems oblivious to. There's something not quite right about what you're telling us here but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't change that you're quite reasonable to not have this child over if you don't like her

That said, I'm hmm at the idea that this child has been so acutely badly behaved towards your DD that nursery have advised school very specifically to keep them separate but that this is an issue the child's mother seems oblivious to. There's something not quite right about what you're telling us here

The nursery advised us as parents that they submit recommendations for kids that should be separated going into reception and it's a long, extensive list. They separate kids who are extremely friendly (or inseparable) as a way of giving them an opportunity to make new friends independently of that other person. They also separate kids who they feel maybe aren't positive influences on each other and there are a number of other reasons. This child may not be one of the "naughty" or "naughtiest" kids in the nursery but her friendship with my DD was detrimental and her key person discussed this with me on numerous occasions and then arranged for them to be separated. It's not as if she's been hitting or kicking my DD. I also don't know exactly what conversations nursery have had with my friend but certainly my friend has never mentioned it to me.

I see no problem with honestly saying "I hoped it would be adults only, was going to put dd to bed before you get here etc. " why not do that?

The mind boggles at struggling to say no to a friend basically inviting her 4yo for a sleepover. What? A sleepover? No dd has never done one of those and I can’t say I feel like getting two four year olds to bed, that sounds the opposite of the relaxing evening I thought we had planned. You don’t have to adsress the specific behaviour issues , just not be a doormat, your friend is very rude!

So between about half 4 and now you've got a cold that warrants you cancelling the whole thing? The more you say it the more you seem to be believing it yourself. Even your 4 year old suggested you say you are sick? That's not inventive, just cruel. If you don't want the little girl over just tell them. I actually feel sorry for this mum and the other girl. No 4 year old is a total angel and god help you if your own child goes through a less than perfect phase. I'm sure you would be quite hurt if another mum lied to you just so she could avoid your 4 year old child. You said your friend has always been kind and been there for you, chances are the daughter will also grow up lovely.

I don't mean to sound hard on you but my pet peeve is the judgey mums in the school playground who think their kid is better than anyone else. I don't know you and you may not be like that but its just the impression I'm getting.

it really isn't great the nursery were talking aboutthis child to you.
I take it your dd doesn't want to be friends with this other little girl?
I'm not sure how you could put it across without being a bit insulting towards your friend, but remember this is a young child your talking about, so she's still learning

There is NOTHING wrong with saying you wanted it to be adults only. This is turning into a huge drama when it doesn't really need to be. Having her daughter there will change the whole dynamic of the evening and most people would recognise that.