To think sometimes when people are feeling down, or have mild depression, sometimes they need a strong talking too

[LardLizard]

Not always
And not if it’s a reaction to something really huge like bereavement divorce job loss or some major event
And not if they are suffering of some sort of mental illness like moderate or serve depression

But sometimes I wonder if modern society’s attitudes actually really help people
Like myself when I think an actual good kick up the arse would actually probably be the best thing
To not be indulged to not have people making excuses

Mainly talking about myself but if I get like that
I could do with someone telling me hey your arse out of bed n in the shower
Put on something nice
Put on a smile and make an effort
Get the House sortedcit the grass
Eat well you will feel better for it

I don’t know just someone telling me to be grateful for what I have and to get up and get on

Although personas I’m mainly thinking abou tmyself here really

I’m not saying do this to people with huge huge issues and actually full blown medical proablems

People are giving op a hard time but : exercise, eat well , shower ,go for a walk, write down 5 reasons to be cheerful, are all bits of advice doctors have given me for my depression.

If you are talking about a low mood then i think you are right OP

The mistake youve made with your OP is confusing 'mild' depression (which im not sure is a thing) with a low mood

But i think you realise that now

Oh just what I need. Please shout loudly at me.

MrsKCastle i sat & listened to DP open up about that for the first time recently & his rhetoric was pretty much what you have just said. The depression makes him want to hide away because he can't face the embarassment of how he is feeling...which leads to guilt because it appears he doesn't want to spend time with us, his family (his 'blessings')...which then leads to feeling useless because he can't manage that...which then leads to his depression taking a deeper hold over him. The circle is exceptionally vicious. Counting your blessings is a phrase i fucking hate.

People with depression are in a catch 22 situation. They don't feel capable of speaking out about it because others don't get that it isn't 'just' feeling down...but when people with depression don't talk about it, it leads to the word depression being misused & misinterpreted. If more people felt able to discuss it, less people would describe themselves as depressed when they actually are just pissed off/fed up/stressed out.

The main problem with your idea, OP, is diagnosis. Unless you have psychiatric training and have assessed the person in question, how on earth do you know whether they’re just a bit down/moping/wallowing - or in the early, “mild” stage of a life threatening depression?
If it’s the latter, your well meaning kick up the arse could be disastrous.
Instead of the stern talking to, how about support and gentle encouragement? How about inviting them out for a coffee or a walk? There are many much kinder and less dangerous ways to help people who seem to be “down”.

Honestly, I struggled with depression and anxiety (properly diagnosed) for a lot of my twenties and the things that helped were all 'kick up the bum' type things.

Exercise, losing weight, eating more fruit and veg, getting myself out of the house more...all helped. All of these were done on GP advice and I still am very reliant on exercise to keep my mood stable. I think that the difference here is that as the advice I was given came from a GP it was 'medical advice' rather than a friend or relative 'telling me off'.

No one with depression, mild or otherwise will get better from taking a walk or being told to pull themselves together

Whilst I agree with the pulling yourself together bit (except in the odd case), I have met people who had severe depression who have told me they got better when they changed their approach (& that often seems to involve exercise) & I thought the NHS was looking into exercise ‘prescriptions’ for mild to moderate depression?

A lot of people don’t get better on anti-depressants. Personally I suspect talking therapy/ in combination with goal setting or some specialised support would be the way to go - but we all know how underfunded the MH services are.

So if you are constantly giving yourself kicks up the arse then maybe you are more depressed than you think you are.

This has really struck a chord. I've spent so long, so many times giving myself a 'talking to', kicking myself up the arse, telling myself to buck my ideas up because there's people worse off than me, that people are relying on me, that I'm being 'mard' that I've lost count.

I had a breakdown in work a few weeks ago just because my boss asked me how I was. It's finally all too much and I feel broken. Someone telling me to get in the shower, go for a walk or skip a sad song would just be another kick making me feel worse about myself for feeling the way I do. Like I don't have the right to feel like this because I've got a job, a home, a husband and son, family who love me.

I've spent so long fronting, apologising for being 'miserable' and putting on a brave face that I've forgotten who I really am.

MrsKcastle! Exactly.

I think you're right in some cases. I think it's easy to indulge bad moods and mild sadnesses, and sometimes we do need to make ourselves do things we don't really want to do to get us out of a little hole.

OP, you have conflated ‘depression’, a MH issue, however mild, with ‘feeling depressed ‘, a low mood.

I call ‘behaviour activation’ as described below “acting as if”, and for me, and others, it can give you the kick start for your ‘happy hormones ‘ to kick in. Pleasure begets pleasure, excercise generates endorphins (or whatever it is). Working a bit to put yourself in the mood for sex (only in a healthy situation where you WANT to re-invigorate your libido, post birth for e.h) actually makes you feel sexy.

Eating well can make you feel as if you are taking care of yourself, and therefore better self esteem.

Just as you can spiral down, you can spiral up!

But. Feeling low and a bit stuck is not the same as being depressed.

When you have a version of this on repeat in your head, a kick up the bum is not what you need.

Regarding exercise - yes, physical activity did help to lift my mood a little, but only when I felt capable of it, which at the worst points of my depression, I really wasn't. And there's also a big difference between 'you should exercise more' and 'we should go for a walk together tomorrow' in terms of being supportive. The latter might have helped, the former would just lead to more guilt and shame about how I couldn't even do that.

No one with depression, mild or otherwise will get better from taking a walk or being told to pull themselves together

Exercise has been shown to ameroriate mild to moderate depression in countless studies though.

I have black cloud days where I feel the same way I felt when I had PND and I feel like I am tumbling down the rabbit hole - you know what I have learned helps OP? A hug from someone who loves me and telling my family that it's a black cloud day as soon as I can - being open about it seems to reduce it's hold on me, so I don't retreat into myself more, they give me a bit of tlc and the cloud lifts pretty quickly.
Getting out and about doesn't help, I can't engage with people on a normal level when I feel like that - I am robotic and detached and find social interactions really challenging, it's not lack of fucking gratitude, it's not inability to get showered, wear something nice or cut the fucking grass!
People with your attitude who don't give me the space to openly feel the way I do without being judged, I'll avoid people like you because you really don't help.

Thats because of the endorphins as well as distracting away from negative and harmful thoughts. Diet can also help.

@MrsKCastle you have just summed it up.
That's exactly what it is like.

Have my first

I had a mental breakdown a few years ago. I got better with regular exercise and self help techniques. Exercise is my go to cure when it creeps back.

But, I recognise that everyone is different and what works for one wouldn’t necessarily work for another!

It's the 'wisdom to know the difference' isn't it.

Perhaps if it was a loving parent towards their child and they knew that their child needed to be angered/nudged into action because they'd feel better ultimately maybe this is okay, but who are we to think we possess that wisdom?

I think that just being patient, kind and having your door open when they're ready is a much safer approach.

YANBU in general, but as PP have said, I think there is an important distinction between feeling low and being depressed. Whilst a good talking to might be effective for the former, it rarely is for the latter.

There is a difference between 'things that are good for your mental health' and 'things that treat the mentally ill'. The problem is when the first category of advice is given to the mentally unwell, something I've seen happen more and more (including in my own experiences with MH issues). Unfortunately it's not something I see changing until attitudes towards mental health and illness truly change.

Not helpful, no. Being told what hou’should’ feel and what you ‘should’ do just makes everything feel a hundred times worse. People with depression often feel utterly shit about themselves already. What they need is an uncritical ear . Love and support for who they are. Not instructions , judgement or advice.
Feeling a bit down one day different.

I’m quite interested how people who think this is a good idea have gained the clinical experience to distinguish between feeling sorry for yourself, low mood ‘genuine’ depression, feeling sad for a valid reason and moping? Because in my own personal experience the kind of people who say this sort of stuff like ‘they just need a good talking to so they stop moping’ are usual they least knowledgeable about mental health issues and the least likely to offer helpful assistance.

Yes a GP may offer advice like exercise, walk, positive thinking. They will probably do that after enough of a discussion with the patient to ascertain they’re not suffering from serious depression.

OP, you might also like to consider that if you are the sort of person who thinks ‘a good talking to’ solves depression you’re also probably going to be pretty much the last person that anybody suffering from depression is going to choose to confide in about their true feelings.

So somebody you think is moping about may actually be suffering from serious depression and be considering suicide or self harm. You would have no idea, you’re not the sort of person they’d tell if they did. And your good talking to might push them over the edge.

Anyway OP. I look forwards to your next instalment. People with severe stomach pains probably just have wind and need to take Andrews and shut up? Lumps in breasts are just ill fitting bras a trip to M&S would sort. Any other medical expertise you’d like to share?

I know what you mean, OP. The OP has clearly said And not if they are suffering of some sort of mental illness like moderate or serve depression (my bold) so I don't know why that bit has been ignored and

I think the OP is talking about feeling so overwhelmed that you find it hard to make even the daily decisions that pile up every day. Someone gently giving a bit of directions may not help everyone, but it may help some people. Not delivered as a shouty criticism or rant, different things work for different people.

The OP has clearly said And not if they are suffering of some sort of mental illness like moderate or serve depression (my bold) so I don't know why that bit has been ignored

How is the OP qualified to make that decision?