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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

254 replies

Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:35

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

OP posts:
Janus · 17/09/2018 04:46

Have they assumed you are not going? You mentioned it being £2.5k to go and to me it sounded like you weren’t going because of this? If so did they assume therefore that your daughter wasn’t going so didn’t think to ask?

Original poster
Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:48

No they think we are going as we have looked in to accommodation etc.

OP posts:
Janus · 17/09/2018 04:51

Then that’s rotten! Could you not mention it to your brother and ask if she could be bridesmaid? I wouldn’t be offended at all if my brother asked. Would you actually go though? If you really don’t think you can afford for the family to go I’d be honest and say that now and forget the whole bridesmaid thing.

Original poster
Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 05:10

I get on really well with my brother but don't see him often. My mother has spoke to him and he's said his partner has decided etc. I'm hurt by him but can also understand how stress full wedding planning can be. I just dnt think he'll go against his soon to be wife. I'm also due to have another little girl. And don't expect her to be bridesmaid as she will be 8 months old at the time of the wedding. My family all agree it's horrible what's being done but none will say anything. I haven't actually seen my brother to say anything and not really something I want to put in a text message 😣 I'm angry so don't think I want to pay to go after this but I will be the only sibling not there on the day as well

OP posts:
Original poster
Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 05:12

My daughter is also aware of everything (as family like to talk in front of her) she has now said she doesn't want to go. Which makes it harder cos I dnt want to put her in a situation that makes her feel uncomfortable. And I'm angry angry nd upset for her

OP posts:
Janus · 17/09/2018 05:16

Oh dear, I didn’t realise the sil to be has made a conscious decision to do this to you. I guess for the sake of your brother you may want to go but would also find it hard to forgive her for this. Very difficult position and have no real advice other than you may have to be the better people here and try and look past it if you want to still have a relationship with your brother. She doesn’t sound very nice at all.

Josiebloggs · 17/09/2018 05:17

I wouldn't go to the wedding. I don't think I could celebrate my brother getting married to someone who could be so mean to an 11 year old, although this makes your brother look equally as bad. Save the money and have a nice family holiday instead.

Eliza9917 · 17/09/2018 05:19

I wouldn't mention it but I wouldn't go and I'd remember it in the future too.

Original poster
Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 05:21

Thank you for commenting. I'm considering taking my daughter away some place else for a small holiday the same time. For myself as well as seeing all family photos of the day is going to be really hard.

OP posts:
Havaina · 17/09/2018 05:26

So SIL's punishing a child because her mum only had her sister, niece and daughter as BMs? The SIL sounds nasty and I would not pay £2,500 to attend this wedding.

Yes, it's a shame about your brother but if he had the balls to stick up for his dd, then maybe you would 't feel so hurt.

It's ok for SIL to have who she wants as BMs, and if she had a genuine reason that she has too many or that 11 is young to be a BM, then that would be different.

But to deliberately excluse a child to hurt and punish her mother is nasty.

Can you opt out of the accomodation if you wanted to?

onesteponepunchoneroundatatime · 17/09/2018 05:27

Hi.

Even though it may or may not be on purpose it is a normal human reaction to feel hurt if you are being excluded (even if you didn't want to do it in the first place). It makes you think horrible things about yourself and question your interactions. So I feel for you and your daughter because it is rough.

I have been in similar situations my brother was engaged to 2 people and the first didn't ask me, and the second asked but because I couldn't make a dress fitting decided that she didn't want me to be a bridesmaid (neither her or my brother told me- my mum did). Both times I was devastated, and both times I felt so ashamed that I had maybe behaved in a way that meant they didn't like me.

If she doesn't want to go, that's understandable, and after the dust has cleared she might not want to be a bridesmaid, but the whole thing will be painful for her. Your family sound like they maybe stirring the pot by discussing with her there but behinds the brides back.

However, the only way I could get through it is remembering; its the bride (and the groom) day and they can have it their way. It is nothing to do with her. If she wants to have a big cry about it that would be completely OK- it may even help her get over it and remind her there are other people that love her.

Blondebakingmumma · 17/09/2018 05:29

11 is quite young to be a bridesmaid. Maybe this was taken into consideration. I would still go to the wedding as you are celebrating an important event of your brother’s. I would tell your daughter that in life you are occasionally let down by people you love and life is not always fair.

Havaina · 17/09/2018 05:31

Yes, it is the B&G's day and they can have it the way they want, but they shouldn't be surprised when close family decline their invitations in the face of shitty behaviour. And it is so shitty.

cantfindname · 17/09/2018 05:34

What a nasty woman. If this is her attitude to people and to life in general it doesn't bode well for a long and happy marriage.

Take your daughter somewhere else, have a great time and enjoy yourselves without all the inevitable stress of the wedding.

Karma is a wonderful thing!

Flowers
Feefeetrixabelle · 17/09/2018 05:36

Usually I’m not one for insisting someone has the right to be a bridesmaid but your daughter has the right to not be excluded just because of your decision. I’d save your money and if they ask why your not going say your not going to pay £2500 to watch your daughters self esteem plummet.

SpareASquare · 17/09/2018 05:41

I think you're making too big a deal of this and influencing your daughter in the process. The fact that everyone seems to be gossiping about the bridesmaid choices and agreeing with you that it's wrong makes me wonder if they are agreeing with you to placate you. Who's told you that this is 'punishment'. Surely you'd question the motivation of someone who'd actually tell you that?

11 and 15 are worlds apart I think and maybe the 15 yr old was chosen because of this. Also sounds like your sister is closer than you are to your future SIL so I can understand that choice. You've made a huge deal over something that really isn't. Kinda seems like you're projecting something else here?

AlmaGeddon · 17/09/2018 05:48

Are you sure this is the reason?
Perhaps DD got overlooked as DSIL has so many other contenders. She sounds like a bridezilla, possibly 15 year old was invited to help look after the young ones . Brides often invite THEIR family and friends, not the grooms. Why didn't DB speak up, probably as he realises it is not his shout. I would assume an inadvertent error and ask if DD can join in or just let it go, being a bridesmaid can be pretty boring imv.

dinosaurkisses · 17/09/2018 05:55

What age are the other bridesmaids?

Has anyone actually come out and given you a reason that she hasn’t been asked?

11 is a bit of an awkward age for a wedding party member- they’re too old to be flower girls but too young to be left to their own devices without someone looking after them or join in on hen parties etc. If the wedding is still some time away, your 15 year old niece would be 16 or 17 and seen as nearly an adult. The couple might also feel closer to your niece, so rightly or wrongly have decided that they’re happy with her being the cut off for youngest bm.

I can understand you’re hurt, but I wouldn’t jump to thinking that your brother who you have a good relationship to was being deliberately cruel.

EmUntitled · 17/09/2018 06:12

Have you actually asked SIL her reasoning, rather than assuming you're being punished (very bizarre!).

I don't understand those saying that 11 is too young to be a bridesmaid. It's not like she's 3 and has to be constantly supervised so she doesn't harm herself. There are 8 other bridesmaids so there will be someone around most of the time to keep her company. And obviously she wouldn't go to the hen do Hmm

OP I wouldn't go to this wedding, just for the cost, but the bridesmaid thing also seems a bit mean since your niece was invited.

FishesThatFly · 17/09/2018 06:34

OP are you ABSOLUTELY sure that is the reason she wasnt asked? Or is ir just family stiring it up again with their opinions that have now become fact?

If you're not 100% sure I'd message the bride and ask her the reason.

It maybe that chinese whispers have stired it up

dinosaurkisses · 17/09/2018 06:35

“ don't understand those saying that 11 is too young to be a bridesmaid. It's not like she's 3 and has to be constantly supervised so she doesn't harm herself. There are 8 other bridesmaids so there will be someone around most of the time to keep her company. And obviously she wouldn't go to the hen do”

An 11 year old will need brought to the room or house where the rest of the party will be getting ready, occupied when everyone else will be getting their hair and make up done, potentially help getting dressed, made sure they’ve eaten before the ceremony, might need some help calming nerves or excitement. No, they aren’t 3 but equally they won’t have the same maturity levels or independence as an older teenager. OP hasn’t given any indication of how close her dd is to the other bridesmaids, it’s not fair to assume that one of them will be happy to take care of things on the day.

The comment about the hen do- it was quite obvious that that was pointed out the show the gulf between having a 12 or 13 year old as a bm and someone who was 16/17. For example the bride might want all of her bridesmaids to be able to get into a bar for a drink the night before, which if it’s a destination wedding might be possible for the older girl, and not the case for a 12 year old.

Whatever the reason, OP hasn’t been told and she might be taking offence where none is meant.

7yo7yo · 17/09/2018 06:42

I wouldn’t waste my money and would go elsewhere. I’d also make it clear why.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/09/2018 06:43

There’s absolutely no way I’d be going to that wedding. Your SIL sounds like a nasty cow and I wouldn’t be paying £2.5k to have my child’s feelings hurt.

Juells · 17/09/2018 06:58

HRTFT but boggle-eyed at 10 bridesmaids.

I wouldn't go because of the cost, anyway, but more so I wouldn't go because of your DD being excluded. It would take a long time for that hurt to heal - and it might never be forgiven. If someone feels it's OK to do that to one child then they're as thick as pig shit and you'll be on the receiving end of that kind of special attention for years to come.

Namelessinseattle · 17/09/2018 07:01

Who told you it was happening as payback for not having her as bm?
I’d be inclined to think 11 is very young, in Ireland anyway 11 would be an older flower girl probably.
The big thing is stop people talking about it in front of your dd, no need for her to feel unnecessarily bad about it or that it’s a reflection on her in some way.

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