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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

254 replies

Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:35

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

OP posts:
Leland · 17/09/2018 08:55

Still laughing out loud at Lelands typo about OPs dad being too old to be a little flower girl - just sensing his disappointment.....!

Grin Will no one think of the OP's poor dad and his disappointment?

TruffleShuffles · 17/09/2018 08:55

I would get this gossip confirmed before making a decision on whether to go or not. Do you and your daughter have a close relationship with your future SIL? You mentioned you don’t see your brother often and you didn’t have her as a bridesmaid so I presume she isn’t that important to you? As your sister did have her as a bridesmaid they must be close so it’s understandable why she would have her daughter as a bridesmaid.

Juells · 17/09/2018 08:56

SIL has hammered a wedge between you and your brother, but not attending will only cause more damage. And not attending is such a visible rejection of your brother, it would be hard for your relationship to get over it.

£2500

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 17/09/2018 08:56

YANBU what a nasty cow. I wasn't bridesmaid for my DH's sister. It wouldn't have even crossed my mind to expect to be. If I'd had a big wedding I might have had her as bridesmaid because it would give her a chance to be have a role in her brother's wedding but it's not the same the other way round.

I'm torn in that it's a ludicrous cost for a wedding anyway and she's being horrible by excluding your DD but if you don't go you might cause a further rift in the family which would be a shame (I'm assuming your DB is nice and you want to maintain links with him).

SleepingStandingUp · 17/09/2018 08:57

And your sister didn't say anything???

ChocolateWombat · 17/09/2018 08:58

This is the kind if thing when you can decide it is a big snub to you and your family, feel furious,seethe inwardly, and discuss it with everyone you see, including in front of your DD for years and respond by doing spiteful things in revenge.......result is tension and bad feeling grows within the family and your DD grows up to think families are horrible and always be on the lookout to take offence.

Or, you can choose to look at it differently.....recognise that she's not the 'only niece not to be chosen' but the other one is 'the only niece to be chosen'.....after all, there are only 2 nieces. You can accept and teach your DD that people can choose who they want and sometimes you get picked andnothertimes you don't and it's not a terrible slight to you or your family. You can decide if to go to the wedding based on cost and explain why in those terms if you can't afford it, or you can go and have a good time and wish the happy couple well and enjoy yourself.

There are choices a both whether to decide everyone and everything is someone out to get you and offend you, and that's what the world or family are like, or you can be more positive in your approach and teach your child that too, and let minor issues just slip away rather than allowing them to build up.

Just consider which response will lead to you and your DD feeling happier.

LillianGish · 17/09/2018 08:59

I’m a bit Shock at 8+ Bridesmaids for a destination wedding. I thought people went abroad because they wanted to keep it small? How many guests want to pay upwards of £2,500 to attend a wedding? And are the bride and groom still expecting people to get them a present? With 8+ bridesmaids I can honestly see no reason why your dd shouldn’t be included - it’s obviously not a question of needing to keep costs down. If it’s causing bad feeling then I definitely wouldn’t be spending £2,500 to have salt rubbed in the wound. Tell your brother you can’t afford it and you don’t want to travel with an 8-month-old.

ballseditupforever · 17/09/2018 09:00

Your fsil sounds like a madam. I would 100% put my brother and her on the spot about it together. Tbh sounds like your brother could do with seeing exactly what she is like. Who excludes a little girl because of a perceived slight from their mother. And she should know better if she was hurt you didn't have her as bridesmaid. What a cow. And 10 or 11 is a perfectly fine age to be a bridesmaid.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 17/09/2018 09:01

You need to speak to yiur brother and verify if what your sister said is true. If it is then remember its as much his decision as his B2B, he agrees and backs it. If it is from spite then family relations have already been damaged by both of their behaviours towards a child and i wouldn't spend a penny on them.

If it's not true then you will be able to decide based on certain information and will also see who likes to shitstirr.

Kisskiss · 17/09/2018 09:02

It’s your brother, he’s (hopefully) only getting married once. It’s worth talking to him directly in case there’s some misunderstanding here /or he just didn’t think .. weddings are stressful and people have to think about a thousand things at once. It’s certainly not nice for your daughter to get left out but maybe they were thoughtless rather than the worse alternative of being really mean to an 11 year old.. speak to him yourself and figure it out

JustRichmal · 17/09/2018 09:05

To me 2.5k is a lot of money and I would rather spend it on a holiday dd would enjoy and we chose ourselves than indulging one woman's fantasy of an ideal day. When did weddings get so ridiculous?

Having said that, if it were my sibling, I would be torn as to what to do. I think they would want their poorer friends and relatives at their wedding as well as just the rich ones though.

DangerMouse17 · 17/09/2018 09:07

I think you should go...and make sure DD has the most fabulous outfit ever! Grin

Inertia · 17/09/2018 09:11

You do need to speak to your brother to get the message from the horse’s mouth.

There’s a big difference between disappointment at not being a bridesmaid, and a grown woman being deliberately cruel to an 11 year old child as an act of revenge against the child’s mother.

TBH I wouldn’t go . It’s a lot of money to pay out to attend the wedding of people who choose to upset a child , and it’s not fair on your daughter.

bluebird3 · 17/09/2018 09:11

It certainly depends on how it was said but I don't think it's that unusual to decide bridesmaids based on previous weddings. If I was a bridesmaid in a wedding then I felt obligated for them to be one in mine. I thought that was often how it worked? Maybe it wasn't said in spite but was more of a 'well I wasn't in hers so there's no obligation for her/her dd to be in mine.' And perhaps other dn was invited out of obligation bc bride was in your sister's wedding. I wouldn't have expected the grooms relatives to be automatically bridesmaids...it's usually the bride's friends and family?

But you know the bride's personality and if she is often nasty and spiteful then I wouldn't blame you for not going. However, if there is a chance that it wasn't intended to be a slight then I think you should go to support your brother and let it roll off your back. Life's too short and all that.

beluga425 · 17/09/2018 09:11

Definitely don't spent £2500+ for your DD to not be a bridesmaid if she'll be that upset.
Leave it and do something else.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/09/2018 09:13

Oh that's petty.
I would go to your brother's wedding by yourself, actually. Let your DH and your DD go off somewhere else and have a good time. Of course you'd have to take the baby with you too (assuming you're allowed to?)
but I wouldn't make your DD go.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 17/09/2018 09:15

She sounds really cruel your poor daughter.
If it was me I'd spend the £2.5k on a separate luxury holiday and let them get on with it and just not bother going. Silence being golden and all that.

How someone can do that to a little girl is beyond me and extremely nasty especially at an age when she's aware.

Alternatively phone your brother and tell him how upset she is and see if he can have a word in her ear. Maybe he can do something but if not then he's as bad as her.

Charmatt · 17/09/2018 09:19

It's her choice who she has as bridesmaids. It's your choice whether you choose to go or not.

GU24Mum · 17/09/2018 09:19

I'd play your response depending what you are ideally looking to achieve ie do you want to get out of the wedding (imo completely reasonable given the cost) or to persuade your SIL to include your daughter?

If it's the former, I'd just tell them that you are looking at holidays and cant' otherwise go on a main holiday so you can't go to their wedding.

If you really want to ask your SIL to think again then you'll have to speak to her and say that the wedding plans sound wonderful and is there any way that DD could have a role as she's a bit disappointed etc etc. If you then get a terse reply, it would be fine then to say that on balance you don't think you can all make the wedding after all.

alphajuliet123 · 17/09/2018 09:20

I think if I were you I'd go to the wedding alone, leave your partner and kids at home and just fly out for a couple of days, be there on your brothers day but make a point at the same time. You'll save a fortune and can then take the four of you somewhere else for a nice family holiday. (obvs this only works if the wedding is short-haul)

Kisskiss · 17/09/2018 09:21

Imagine this post from DB if you decide not to go , without even chatting with him before to clear the air

Getting married soon, sister has told me she is not coming to the wedding. But upsetting as I only have two sisters, we have not spoken loads lately but I thought we were still close. ( Background info : the wedding is a destination one so will cost somewhat to attend )
Not really sure why she declined the invite but our Mum said it might be because we didn’t ask our niece ( her daughter) to be a bridesmaid even tho we asked our other niece.

We asked the other niece as my fiancé was a bridesmaid at that sistr’s wedding and we felt it would only be polite to reciprocate... already have 8 bridesmaids ( fiancé has many close friends ) so bridal party already bursting at the seams and couldn’t invite more.
Aibu to feel upset my sister doesn’t care to see me get married???

ChocolateWombat · 17/09/2018 09:21

As I said above, I'd try to see this not as a personal attack, but just one of those things.

The wedding is expensive and it does make it difficult for people...but if at all possible, I really would try to go because it is a huge day for your brother and therefore your family. To miss out, especially if it looks like (or you spend all your time telling people) you are choosing not to go because your DD is t bridesmaid is going to have very negative effects on the future family relationships. Really think about that, and see if you can find it within yourself, regardless of whether it was done spitefully or not, to choose to go to support your brother....to put him first in this.

And big chance here for teaching your DD a good or a bad lesson here.....how do you respond to disappointment? Do you feel angry, seek revenge, bear a grudge and give up, or do you look to see things in a different way and to understand different possibilities, be generous, move forward and battle through. Your reaction as a Mum in terms of what you say and do will shape how your DD reacts to difficulties later in life.

Collectorofcookbooks · 17/09/2018 09:21

I really feel for your DD OP. My SIL didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid - had 7, including her sister and various friends. DB asked her brother to be an usher, so I was the only family member without a role. I was in my 20's at the time, and we were all close - or so I thought.

10 years on and I've never really forgiven her. To be honest, I've never really forgiven my brother or my parents for not standing up for me either (they had a huge wedding, and my parents contributed significantly). I had lots of people asking me why I wasn't a bridesmaid on the day, which was really hard too.

But, I wore a fabulous frock, and an amazing hat, and tried to focus on the bigger picture, spent the run up and the day being all smiley and acting like it didn't matter. However, I was a grown up. I'm not sure I'd have been able to do that at the age of 11.

Soontobe60 · 17/09/2018 09:21

This is the text I would send to your brother and his fiancé

Hi, I thought it was important to let you both know just how upset DD is at not being chosen to be a bridesmaid when her cousin has. Actually she's gutted. I appreciate that you get to choose whoever you want, but this decision has caused real upset as she doesn't understand why she wasn't chosen. We wondered what your reasoning was so that we can explain it to her better. Obviously we don't expect the decision to be changed now, but a little clarification would be great.
Love xxx

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 17/09/2018 09:23

The bride sounds like a bridezilla. Your poor daughter.
I wouldn’t mention anything to the bride & groom about your daughter’s hurt. I’m sure it will get back to them via your mum or sister.
I think I would invite them over for dinner after the wedding. ( good chance they both wOnt come) . But you get the chance to be the grownup.

Separately spend that 2. 500 on a lovely family holiday for you & yours dd’s